The Duck Quacks

To the person from the Bournemouth area

2009-06-10T11:41:00.000+01:00

Hello!

The power of website tracking software is frightening, and very useful.

I suspect, from location and the search term that you used to get here, that you are someone I know from when I lived in that area. Hello!

Of course you may be someone completely random that I have never met coincidently searching for those things. Or you could be My Loving Uncle, but I doubt it because he should have the smarts to use a bookmark and to search for the more up to date and relevant version of the term used.

In related news, I still have numerous hits from people looking for information about the Newcastle University organic food study in 2007. Maybe I should write some more about it.

I also had a hit in the last month about gorgeous Greg Lake. Mmm, Greg Lake's voice.

I know things have been a bit quiet here the last few weeks; expect that to change in a new and exciting way in the next few days. Aren't you so excited?

Floored

2009-05-20T08:55:00.000+01:00

We went to bed, and I dropped off. My head had been full of thoughts, mostly negative, before I went to sleep. Rather than sleep properly, I dozed lightly for an hour or two and then woke up again.

My mind went into overdrive and I spent a long time, maybe two hours, endlessly attacking my self; telling me how useless I was, how pointless my life was, how I was wasting and destroying everything. I started screaming at myself inside my head, thinking about cutting myself, and imagining that I was taking a beating in a fight. I was really tired, and I knew I was; I deliberately forced myself to stay awake, even though I knew that I could drop off if I wanted to, and particularly because I knew that doing so would be better for my body and my mind.

Eventually, I took pity on myself and reached a compromise. I clearly didn't deserve to sleep, and I especially didn't deserve to be warm and comfortable in bed. So in order to maintain one punishment or the other I could choose: be comfortable but stay awake, or sleep uncovered on the floor. So I picked up my pillows and curled up on the carpet.

Oddly enough I didn't sleep very much.

After a while my wife realised that I wasn't alongside her, woke up, and made me come back to bed. She gave me hugs and calmed me down and I fell deeply asleep.

I punish myself a lot. I deliberately don't do things that I want to or know that I should. I don't let myself sleep, or eat, or relax and do something nice. Even though I haven't cut myself or made myself sick for a long time, I still do bad things to myself. I punch myself in the head, I eat far too much, I imagine that I am lying on the floor being kicked in the ribs.

I deserve it all, and I can't convince myself of anything else. I so glad to have someone wonderful who can tell when I'm not in bed, or who keeps me away from packets of biscuits, or who presence keeps me in line near knives. I need to be better so I can give her what she deserves.

Bad period

2009-05-18T13:26:00.001+01:00

I haven't posted for a while. This is partly because I haven't had much to say, but mostly because I have been suffering an extended period of feeling absolutely bloody awful.

My normal downward swings in mood last three or four days. My current episode is now approaching three weeks.

I am suffering from all of my normal symptoms:

Variable mood, often changing suddenly, and easily becoming extreme (sudden crying, or easily becoming frustrated for example).
Mood predominantly negative, and the full range of negative states: complete apathy, melancholy, fear (particularly about the future), general lowness.
Periods of lacking emotion, I usually use words such as flat and empty to describe these.
A desire to give up.
Constant negative thought processes; running myself down, convincing myself that everything I attempt will fail, playing out depressing or very negative situations that could occur.
Hints of my old paranoia and sense of persecution.
Anxiety in public and around people.
A feeling of being mentally blocked when I attempt things.
Poor self care.

These are all things that to one degree or another I have learned to cope with, and can at the very least wait out until I find my way back into my usual rut.

That I have felt this bad for so long is starting to worry me, and is taking its toll. Being low and being tired, both physically and mentally, feed off of each other. My body is struggling with general tiredness and interrupted sleep. My mind is running out of energy and fight completely.

I have been coping quite well, better than I have in the past. Bits of last week were hell, but I fought through it and managed to be in work Monday to Thursday, only giving in on Friday. I didn't achieve much when I was there, but I tried.

Of course things have been hard for people around me as well. My wife is wonderful and has been so much help, but I worry about how much stress I am causing her. My work colleagues have been very supportive, putting up with me being next to useless and trying to encourage me along. I have gone from being mildly unreliable in World of Warcraft (WoW) to extremely unreliable.

I really want this to be over. I am running out of strength and I am getting worried. Mostly, I want to stop troubling everyone around me.

A little while ago I said that I would try to post positive things. Friday evening and Saturday bucked the recent trend and were great. On Friday evening I was part of a successful WoW raid; it was the best performance my Guild have put together and a big improvement on our previous attempts. On Saturday I baked cookies and cakes with my wife and we went to our friends' house to watch Eurovision. Which as ever was terrible/brilliant.

2009-04-30T09:33:00.002+01:00

A letter to the National Trust, bless their cotton socks:

***

Over the past year I have sent to you a number of letters requesting that you update my address. As of December 2007 I moved from A House, Somewhere to A Different House, Somewhere. Despite my letters, and despite having received a letter from yourselves stating that you had updated my details, I did not receive any correspondence from you at my Different House address. I only received my 2008/9 membership card and details thanks to the kindness of people at my previous address. The new membership was issued at the end of October 2008, you had written to me in July stating that my records had been updated.

As you will note from the letterhead, I have not only moved again, but also, following my marriage, changed my surname from Smith to Jones.

Given that in fifteen months and with multiple letters of reminder you have failed to update the address details from my previous move, I am torn between again asking you to update my details to make them current and simply cancelling my membership. I have never dealt with such inept administration from a major organisation. However, as I do support the work that you carry out, I would like to continue to be a member.

Please update my records to indicate my new address as shown above, and to change my surname as indicated. I have included a photocopy of my wedding certificate as evidence of this latter change. Given the previous issues, I expect to receive a letter to my current address confirming that these changes have been made. I appreciate that your mass mailings are pre-printed so I do not expect to receive anything else for a month or so after the change.

Yours sincerely,

Small steps

2009-04-27T14:23:00.001+01:00

I have many difficulties in communicating with people; I struggle to use telephones, I find it hard to speak up in person with all but a handful of people that I feel comfortable with, in situations that a lot of people would think would be easier and of less importance (OK, I mean when playing World of Warcraft) I am still very anxious about letting myself be heard.

It has long been a belief in my mind that if I practice things that I find hard, including challenging communications, I will grow more used to them and ultimately more comfortable. This is something I think applies particularly to using the telephone. The practice makes perfect, or at least not scared, theory is something that other people have pushed me toward as well.

There are times when I really doubt that it is true, when I can see nothing beyond me always being a pathetic individual too scared to pick up a phone and too self-absorbed to ask for something or voice an opinion in even the most friendly and safe environment.

Today at work I have managed the unthinkable; I have made two phone calls within the space of about ten minutes; one to a Help desk of the company that manages the payment of one of our bursaries and one to a parent of a student who left a message on my voicemail.

Do I feel good to have overcome my anxiety and to have completed a basic part of my role? Do I feel satisfied that I have taken a step in the direction of a more rational view of things? Do I buggery. I am terrified that the phone is going to ring again. I am scared of having to send an e-mail to the student who prompted the first phone call. What I want to do now is go home, climb into bed, and curl up under the duvet.

For some time I have been meaning to ask one of my WoW guildmates if she is able to make one or two items that would help me in game. All I needed was a little bit of information, it would take her a few seconds and a handful of mouse clicks to help me. She is a nice person and always seems happy to help people. I didn't even need to do it in a public way, I could communicate entirely privately with her.

Finally last night I managed to do it after hours of avoidance. Even then I still felt guilty about taking up her time and frustrated with myself for making such a fuss (an internal fuss that is, no-one else knew). At best there was a sense of relief that I didn't need to worry about not doing asking any more.

Every step that should be taking me forwards seems to drag me down as much as those that are clear mistakes.

But where do all the calculators go?

2009-04-24T13:49:00.002+01:00

As some light relief (which I need), here are some funny videos. Hohoho.

The Cat Came Back

When I were young, I remember a television programme on BBC One on a Sunday evening, hosted by Tony Robinson, showing cartoons; some well known, some popular, some more obscure. This was one that I have always remembered, and I was delighted to find it on the internet.

Harry Potter Puppet Pals

It gets in your head. About the only Harry Potter related product that I can stomach these days.

The Llama song

Old, not funny (trendy) any more, stupid. Fashion and popularity can lose themselves in a dark hole; I still like it. I am slightly odd though.

Flat

2009-04-17T11:45:00.001+01:00

I haven't posted anything recently; there are two reasons for this I think. I haven't found that much worth writing about, or rather that I have wanted to write about. Also, I have been feeling fairly down recently. It isn't the deep and dark depression or the raging angry self-hatred. Everything seems flat and grey, nothing interests me and I can't feel any great emotion about anything. It rather stymies life.

So what has been happening to me recently?

I managed to work two consecutive five day weeks without any sick leave; a definite achievement. The next week I had two of the four days off. Ugh.
I have played lots of World of Warcraft (and achieved things in it, which is a positive).
My wife and I built a window seat/bookshelf over the Easter weekend. I may post more about this when I have taken some pictures. This also showed some improvements in my attitudes and coping skills.
My fitness is improving steadily as I carry on cycling to work.
I am helping a friend design a board game (when I should be working, but never mind that).

My situation and events that surround me are generally good, I wish I could find a way to leave this horrible emptiness so I could take advantage of it.

Guilt

2009-04-06T16:08:00.001+01:00

A small story for you. I have worn glasses since I was seven. In recent years I have also started using contact lenses for sports and other activities such as cycling. Over recent months I haven't been using as many lenses as I have received, and have built up several months of stock. For this reason, and because Vision Express have been useless at administering my account, I decided to cancel my contact lens account. I should note that I have been more than happy with the actual opticians at Vision Express, they have always appeared very skilful and good at their jobs; it is the general support staff who are useless.

A little while ago I married, and took my wife's surname. I managed to inform most people of this, but through laziness and general incompetence, I forgot about Vision Express.

So at the end of February I went into my local store and asked to cancel my account, remembering of course that it was in my old name. The next order was already being processed, so I was told that the last payment would be taken at the start of March and I would have one last batch of lenses. That was fine.

Checking my bank account at the start of April, I notice that Vision Express have taken another payment. I pay another visit to the shop and enquire about this. The gentleman checks my account and notices that whilst my cancellation request is on the system, it hasn't been actioned. He offers me a voucher for the value of the payment, I politely refuse and he offers me a refund to my debit card. All good.

At this point I realise that my debit card is in my married name. Hm. What do I do? I could sit and explain it all, which would probably be fine, but I am not carrying anything that could identify me under my old name. Or I could say nothing.

I say nothing. He takes my card, and completely fails to look at it. He briefly checks my signature, but I manage to make it an unreadable squiggle that looks fairly similar to the signature on the back of my card. I walk out of the shop.

What I have done, technically, is commit fraud. At the very least I was dishonest and deceitful. Ultimately, the outcome was the same as if I had been upfront, and to be honest, the member of staff concerned really should have checked properly. That doesn't make my actions either correct or justifiable.

So why is it that I feel no guilt at all about this, when I know I have done something wrong, yet I can feel deep guilt about trivial things that I intellectually recognise that I shouldn't? My mind is bizarre.

He really should have been paying more attention though.

Undecided

2009-03-31T13:51:00.001+01:00

In my last post I raised the issue of my indecisiveness. Although I was quite flippant about it, it can be a serious problem. In fact, there are times when it has triggered me working myself into a state.

I haven't given this any detailed thought, but have tried to think of some reasons why I may be so indecisive.

I don't want to make the wrong decision. I could mean in either a practical sense of wrong, i.e. going left instead of right and ending up in the wrong place, or in a moral sense.

I don't want to miss out on something.

I don't want to force someone else to do something when they would rather be doing the alternative.

I don't want to do something when I would rather be doing the alternative.

As a corollary to that, I don't know which choice I would prefer.

I am genuinely torn between the options, either because they are equally attractive or I am unable to compare the benefits.

I don't want to make a commitment.

For some reason I don't wish to admit that my preference is my preference.

I over estimate the importance of the consequences of making a decision.

I am a perfectionist.

Monkey Urine

2009-03-30T15:07:00.002+01:00

I find the generic churn 'em out American film comedians like Adam Sandler and Ben Stiller quite annoying, and usually not that funny. On Saturday evening the Lovely Lady Duck and I were both feeling fairly stressed by various things and decided to watch A Night at the Museum, a Ben Stiller film.

Sidetrack: I say we decided to watch that. Usually it works something like this:

Shall we watch a film?
Could do.
What shall we watch?
Don't know, what do you want to watch?
Don't know, any ideas.
Don't know.
...

We then each pull out a random selection of DVDs that we might vaguely quite like to watch possibly and take turns putting them back until we end up with one. In fact, on Saturday, we managed to reduce the options to four films before we had to resort to tossing coins.

Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, Ben Stiller. I actually mildly enjoyed the film; it was quite easy to watch and didn't require more braincells than are needed to say "ooo, look at the funny dinosaur", it was blessed with Dick Van Dyke and Robin Williams, and had a scene where Ben Stiller was urinated on by a monkey. It certainly wasn't Young Frankenstein or Dr. Strangelove, but it passed the time in a relaxed fashion.

The point of this? There was a rather large fly in the otherwise soothing ointment:

aethelreadtheunread: Ricky Gervais = arsehole

Workplace isolation

2009-03-28T08:00:00.000Z

In a post yesterday, Fighting Monsters made a comment about how differences in the workplace can sometimes make one feel.

The reason I get paid most is solely because I get additional increments for the AMHP work. I’m also one of the younger members of the team. These two combined factors don’t always make me the most popular of people. It can feel very isolating at times.

It made me think about my own situation. I am not for a moment drawing a comparison between myself and Fighting Monsters' situation, but I have similar feelings at times.

There are about twenty people in our office building. Of these, three of us are male, and one of those is the senior manager in the block who spends as much time out as in (he is a very nice bloke though, and a great manager). Also, I am the youngest person in the building, and I am reasonably sure that there are only two others within five years of me. Obviously with most of my colleagues being ladies, it wouldn't do to ask.

For those two reasons there are times that I can feel very socially isolated, and to a lesser degree, professionally so. I am not for a moment suggesting that anyone deliberately says or behaves in a fashion to make me feel so. Almost everyone is very nice and friendly. In particular my two immediate colleagues have always been very supportive and are friends. It is quite natural though that women in their forties and fifties will tend to have less connection with a young man like me.

The problem is compounded by social life away from work being very limited. My two or three closest friends I may see once a week at most. I see a lot more of my Guildmates in WoW.

Oh well, there is not much that I can do apart from grin and bear it, I have little control over the situation.

A whole week

2009-03-27T11:47:00.000Z

If I get through today, this will only be the second full five day week that I have worked since January. I am determined that I will be at work all day (note that I very carefully didn't say 'I will do a full days work'), despite feeling very on edge and jumpy and weird. Of the ten weeks that I haven't worked five days, four were because of taking holiday; but six were because of a day or days sick leave.

Overall, I am relatively happy with my progress at being in work. I haven't had more than two consecutive sick days since I was off for six weeks last July and August. I went for six weeks after the wedding without a day off. Since the end of October though, I have been having the odd one or two days here and there, averaging about a day a week.

I find this really frustrating. Part of the logical side of me knows that feeling that way has a further negative effect on how I am feeling otherwise, and that part also recognises how much better I have been over the last six months than any time in the last three years. But I still remember the six months I did in my second job after graduating without even blinking, and the first nine months or a year in this job which were fine. And then I think about how much I let people down and incapable of doing my job (or anything) I feel at times.

The unpredictability, the on and off and rapid swings and constant doubt about how I will tomorrow or in six hours wears me down. I am fighting though, and I think I am making progress even if I don't feel it all of the time. I hope that I won't get overwhelmed and break down again like I did last summer and spring, and the year before that.

Wow, what a geek

2009-03-24T14:31:00.000Z

There is a large part of my life that I have only hinted at in previous posts. In actuality, I thought I had posted about it in previous years, but having browsed my archives it appears that I didn't. At any, I have a problem, I play World of Warcraft (WoW). It is actually worse than that; the Lovely Lady Duck plays as well, and I am the one who introduced her to the game. I have geekiness and I infected my wife.

For those who are only vaguely aware of WoW, it is a Massively Multi-player On-line Role-playing Game (MMORPG). To dissect the jargon, a large number of people play the game on a central sever, interacting with other each as well as computer controlled entities, taking on the roles of characters in the world.

In particular WoW is a fairly normal high fantasy setting, although one with a great deal of depth and development in the background and history. Blizzard, who created and run the game, claim more than 11 million active accounts, although you never interact with that many people; there are multiple servers each with (this is a guess) around ten thousand active players.

Anyway, why did I decide to start talking about this now? There are I think three motivating factors:

1. WoW is such a large part of my life. In blunt terms of time, I typically spend fifteen to twenty hours each week playing, which is a substantial proportion of my free time. WoW has had substantial effects on my mood and mental state over the two years or so that I have been playing; both positive and negative. This influence is something that interests me, much as the influence of music does.

2. I want to write a few things about WoW itself. I don't want to become a full time WoW blogger, but that are a few things that I want to throw into the mix.

3. I have always enjoyed writing bits of fiction. Some of this has been fan-fiction set in gaming universes (X-COM and Laser Squad Nemesis before WoW). If I were to put a little of my writing up here, it would seem odd to include WoW fiction without first setting my WoW background up.

Eyebrows

2009-03-24T13:32:00.001Z

In each eyebrow I have a single hair that grows very long, and at a greater rate than normal eyebrow hair. Both are normal eyebrow brown at the ends, but silver in toward the roots.

I have spent the last minute or so of exceedingly fun time at my desk plucking them out with my fingers. For I am man, me fear no eyebrow plucking pain.

Enlgand are World Champions!

2009-03-22T09:31:00.002Z

Congratulations to the team for an excellent performance in the final and all through the Championship.

Not my usual sort of thing, but I felt it deserved some converage; it isn't as though it will get any anywhere else.

Memory failure

2009-03-20T14:44:00.002Z

Many of the bloggers who write about mental health issues are capable of producing lucid and detailed accounts of the thought processes and emotions that they have both in day to day life and when they are subject to the intense or dark periods of their illness. I would imagine for the majority of them that this certainly isn't something that is easy to do, both in terms of expressing themselves and going back over the periods in question.

It seems sensible to me that being able to consider my dark thought processes whilst I am calm could be productive. I have at times written notes and attempted to transcribe my thoughts during my bad episodes, but rarely are they coherent. A far bigger issue for me is that I frequently can't remember in anything but the vaguest detail what I was thinking or feeling.

On Wednesday I broke down at work and wept and wept. I managed to phone my wife and she came into work, spoke to my manager and took me home (I love her, she is wonderful). I can remember very little of what I was thinking and feeling leading up to and during this time. I know it was at least partly related to a sense of failing to do my job, and maybe other aspects of my life, but any details escapes. One thing I do remember is thinking about trying to remember things so that I could write a blog post about it. Clearly I failed.

My inability to remain coherent when I am upset, and to remember anything of use when I calm down is problematic not only when I try to think about things myself, but also when it comes to discussing issues with other people; in particular my wife or manager or doctor.

It is really quite irritating.

First steps

2009-03-16T14:35:00.000Z

Almost precisely ten years after I became legally allowed to do so, I have made my first enquiries about learning to drive.

Ugh.

Music and mood

2009-03-04T13:00:00.000Z

Music can often affect my short term mood to what seems a disproportionate level. I have been thinking about why this may be, in particular trying to consider the pieces of music that more frequently cause a change in my emotions.

1. Music with a specific association to a past event.

This is quite obvious; many things can cause associations to memories, events, other people, and so on. Examples: Clutching at Straws (Marillion) with a very depressed evening when I was 17 or 18; Wonderful Tonight (Eric Clapton) with seeing E.C. live and being the first dance at our wedding.

2. Music which I relate to.

Feeling a strong connection with something because of perceived personal similarities is of a nature with association with memories. For example, the strong themes of mental turbulence and illness in the music of Dream Theater (I know, they are Americans, they can't help it).

3. Familiarity

Knowing anything in great depth or over many years can imbue it with a value of its own. There are some albums that I can obsess over for a period of time, and which subsequently I come to know with great familiarity. That this can then lead to an emotional response of listening to them again isn't hard to see. Examples: take your pick.

4. Music (lyrics) with an emotive theme.

I am susceptible to emotional content in all forms of media. I can easily shed a tear or become otherwise deeply involved in a film, book, or music. Examples: Snow (Spock's Beard) both the darker parts and the joyous and triumphant sections; Bright Eyes (Art Garfunkel).

5. Lower level effects

There appears to be a more subconscious level at which some music can affect people; most often this is referred to when speaking of dance/electronic music, usually in terms of high tempo music with a strong beat. I would also extend this to include pieces that include strong crescendos, in certain major keys, and so on. Examples: The Prodigy; The Ode To Joy (Beethoven).

6. Virtuoso performances or compositions

This is one aspect that interests me as it seems more unusual to me. I can often become overwhelmed, usually exemplified by complete focus and tearfulness, by a particularly skilful or complex segment of a piece. Most frequently, because of the type of music I listen to and the nature of composition and arrangement, this is a guitar or keyboard solo of some sort, but can be anything (even percussion - my Father would be disturbed if he knew). Examples: Rick Wakeman twiddling away; Bach.

7. Appositeness

I wasn't sure what word I could use for this, so I shall describe what I mean. Sometimes, you are listening to a song or piece of music and a part of it, maybe a line of lyrics, maybe a instrumental solo, maybe the sum of the whole seems so completely right and perfect. It doesn't need to be particularly complex or clever, but it feels as if nothing else could work. Dave Gilmour seems to have the knack of this for me; he isn't the pinnacle of a great technical guitarist (although he is very good), but sometimes he just played the right notes in the right place and it was perfect.

Of course, any given piece of music may trigger one, more, or all of these. Or I may be slightly weird and be over analysing a broken emotional response. Whatever it may be, music can flick my switches.

Strange pleasures - numbers

2009-03-03T09:26:00.002Z

I don't mean the crime drama with the genius mathematician and his FBI agent brother, although I do enjoy that a great deal as well.

Over here Aetherlread mentions being a 'weird, long-winded, stats-obsessed bastard'. All I can say is wahoo! I enjoy playing with numbers. This permeates many aspects of my life.

Watching cricket I will happily sit and digest the statistics, calculating averages and run rates and targets not because they have a great meaning in themselves, but because I love manipulating the numbers.

Part of my World of Warcraft addiction relates to the huge number of numbers that I can analyse, target, and develop.

If I am on a bus, or walking and I am bored out of mind I will play games with the numbers and letters on car registration plates. When I am frustrated or bored at work I will look over a piece of paper and sum the digits, hoping that they will total 10.

I greatly enjoyed my mathematics degree and A-levels, and one of my greatest regrets is that my mental state, general laziness, and incompetence during those periods stopped me from taking full advantage of the opportunities that I had. If had more time I would spend some of it taking up maths again, but I don't; there is so much to fill up my life, even if I were able to manage to do things and not be moping about everywhere. I hate wasting my life.

A brief tribute

2009-02-26T10:25:00.002Z

I managed to sit down and watch the Queen: Live AT Wembley DVD which I received for Christmas whilst I started the post-move paperwork shuffle.

I won't say too much as most of it has been said over the years. Freddie Mercury was a great performer and entertainer. I consider him one of the best front-men in the business, and he had one of the greatest singing voices to go with it. His early death through AIDS was a great loss, and I still remember hearing the radio when it was announced on the news. At least his legacy as a musician, and in helping to raise awareness of HIV/AIDS lives on. He is ion many ways one of my heroes.

It is too easy to forget the rest of Queen. John Deacon and Roger Taylor are a good rhythm section. Brian May is a underrated guitarist, and in my opinion was the strongest song writer in the group. It was also unusual to have a band in which every member was a good enough singer that they could sing lead vocals if they wanted[*].

As an added bonus, I have finally ejected Nickleback from my head. I quite enjoy them, but it is my wife's favourite driving music and various snatches of their songs have been stuck in my head for about a fortnight. It is a relief to have Freddie and Brian going over 'Is this the world we created?' instead.

*Somebody please gag Phil Collins

If only I were a Duck

2009-02-23T09:36:00.000Z

I could fly to work.

The one substantial downside of our lovely new house is that we are now about four and half miles from my place of work (and my wife's place of study) instead of a little over one mile. Previously I had a gentle fifteen or twenty minute walk to the office. Now my options are:

Bus: an hour, or possibly more in the evening if the traffic is particularly heavy.
Walk: an hour and fifteen or twenty minutes.
Cycle: twenty five or thirty minutes.

Even if I could drive, which I can't, I wouldn't.

I won't catch the bus unless I absolutely have to. Not only does it cost money, but there are other people there (which makes me nervous) and lots of them (which makes me even more nervous). It also grates a little to catch a bus when it is almost as quick for me to walk.

Ultimately, cycling will be a good thing. My general fitness will improve. I will feel less guilty about having an expensive bike which I rarely use. Coming into work and getting home after substantial exercise will tend to improve my short term mood.

I worry that if I wake up and am feeling low, I will be even less inclined to face up to the cycle than I would have been to the much shorter walk. Most of the cycle is on quiet roads or off road cycle paths, so it quite safe, and my usual fear of cycling on roads is minimised.

One of the few things that has always consistently been true from all of my experiences of various health and mental health professionals is that exercise is a positive thing. The short term boost of chemicals may only be short term, but it does boost me for a while, and sometimes that boost can be enough to get me out of the rut for a day. A day that may then turn into a week. All I need is for my body not to collapse in a heap for me.

One thing that irritates me more is the doubling of travel time. I now have even less time to do useful things (and play WoW). At least I won't be catching the bus every day.

New nest

2009-02-17T10:50:00.000Z

After all of the usual stress and hassle, the Lovely Lady Duck and I have moved into our new nest. We are now home-owners; hurrah. I shall take some pictures soon, or to be precise when we have finished tidying. Unfortunately, after a long weekend for the move, I am now back at work; harrumph.

Excellent customer service

2009-01-26T11:05:00.000Z

People often use the internet to complain about bad service, or how they were diddled by unscrupulous companies. Such events are frustrating, and it can be useful to vent. It can also be pointless, counter-productive and petty.

So, here is a happy little tale of a company making an effort and providing some excellent service.

At Christmas, my wife and I received some gifts as cash. We tucked the envelopes inside the case of a DVD that I had also received (the classic Queen at Wembley concert), so as to keep the money safe and together. Unfortunately, both my Father and my in-laws purchased the same DVD for me (as useful as it is the Amazon wish list system is flawed in some ways). We returned one of the DVDs to Amazon using their normal returns policy. Only a day or so afterwards did we realise that the DVD we sent back was the one with the money in.

At this point I completely fell to pieces; it was largely my fault, it was stupid in the extreme, and I couldn't deal with having to try to sort it out. Fortunately, my better half is made of sterner stuff, and made a series of phone calls to Amazon and assorted Royal Mail facilities.

A lass at Amazon customer services immediately grasped the issue, and with her colleagues at the returns facility, went out of her way to track down our package and return the money to us. There was little obligation, either as individuals or a company, for them to do that, and the trouble and effort I put them to was much appreciated.

Now I am sure we can all sit and yarn about how Amazon have screwed us over in the past and how they are the spawn of all evil. Good things do happen, remember that and all the times when things also occurred exactly as they should have done.

(Consider confirmation bias and related effects).

Silly question list meme thing

2009-01-22T11:30:00.000Z

I have always been opposed to silly question list meme things, but it is a handy thing to keep in storage against not being able to be bothered to make a proper post. So, stolen from Aethelread The Unread, here is a silly question list meme thing.

1. Do you like blue cheese salad dressing?

No. I dislike blue cheese. Did you know that the odour of blue cheeses is caused by a bacterium closely related to the type that causes the smell of feet?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_cheese

2. Favourite late night snack?

I try not to eat close to going to sleep. I am rarely up late in the first place to be honest.

3. Do you own a gun?

Nope.

4. What’s your favourite drink at Starbucks or other speciality coffee shop?

Hot chocolate. Although I am one of the irritating types who enjoys going in to Starbucks and asking for a medium coffee please.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?

It varies depending on my state of mind and the doctor.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?

I'd rather have a kebab. That shouldn't be taken as implying that I like kebabs.

7. Favourite Christmas song?

Lonely This Christmas by Mud or the one by the drunk Irish guy and Kirsty MacColl. I think they adequately sum up my feelings about Christmas.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the mornings?

Usually water or weak squash, sometimes tea, I should drink fruit juice

9. Can you do push-ups?

Indeed I can, although not that many at the moment. In fact, even fewer at the moment, I slipped up walking to walk and bashed my shoulder.

10. What’s your favourite piece of jewellery?

As a category on me; a simple cross on a chain. A particular item on me; my wedding ring. On other people; it varies.

11. Favourite hobby?

Playing World of Warcraft. Muttermuttermutter.

12. Do you have A.D.D.?

Nope, although my concentration is very poor and cute fluffy things distract me very easily. Bunny!

13. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself?

I'm only allowed one? Sulk.

14. The last disease you contracted?

I can't remember having a disease. I had a bit of a dodgy tummy before Christmas.

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.

Ten minutes until I can leave work. I really should do some work in those last ten minutes. Urghghhh.

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink.

Water. Squash. Lemonade and lime.

17. Current worry right now?

Hahahahaha. No wait, I am supposed to be thinking happy thoughts. Bad question, don't do that again.

18. Current hate right now?

Me. Bad question, I shall have to send you to the naughty step.

19. Favourite place to be?

Somewhere warm, comfortable, with good food, my lovely wife, and preferably an internet connection so I can play WoW.

20. How did you ring in the new year?

With my wife and my best man and his wife, playing a board game about zombies.

Brrrrainzzzzzz.

21. Like to travel?

Yes and no. Probably mostly no. But sometimes yes.

22. Name three people who will complete Sunday Stealing this week.

No idea, but I suspect my Sunday will be stolen by WoW.

23. Do you own slippers?

Yes. They really need a wash.

24. What colour shirt are you wearing?

Black with very tiny little white dots in lines.

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?

I have no idea.

26. Can you whistle?

Not very well.

27. Favourite singer/ band?

Depends on mood, location, frame of mind, recent listening trends, colour of socks, blah.

28. Could you ever make it 39 days on the show Survivor?

I doubt it; I would likely be arrested for doing vicious and illegal things to the rest of the idiot retards that usually turn up on those sorts of programs.

29. What songs do you sing in the shower?

None, people are arrested for lesser offences.

30. Favourite girl’s names?

Something nice and Germanic, or Scandinavian.

31. Favourite boy’s names?

See above.

32. What’s in your pocket right now?

Handkerchief.

33. Last thing that made you laugh?

I can't really remember. Not because it was a long time ago, but because my memory is rubbish.

34. Like your job?

Yes. If I only I was better at it and applied myself to it more.

35. Daffodils.

36. Do you love where you live?

Aye, pretty much.

37. How many TVs do you have in your house?

One, and that is one too many.

38. Who is your loudest friend?

I am not really sure.

39. Do you drive the speed limit or speed?

I can't drive. I have occasionally broken the speed limit on my bicycle, but I try to avoid it as much as possible.

40. Does someone have a crush on you?

I have no idea. The hamster snuffles at me sometimes when I give her chocolate, does that count?

41. What’s your favourite book?

I won't limit myself to one. See also my answer to question 27.

42. What is your favourite candy?

Mmm, Candy Shrimps. However, assuming this is the American meaning of candy, see answers to questions 41 and 27.

43. Favourite sports team?

My favourite? I am not sure that I have one. The team I probably get most attached to watching is probably the Irish rugby team. Maybe the Welsh.

44. What were you doing at 12am last night?

Sleeping.

45. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up today?

Mostly angry thoughts aimed at me because I deliberately set my alarm later so I could have a little extra sleep and woke up half an hour earlier than usual instead.

The good side of Christmas and New Year

2009-01-16T14:10:00.000Z

For many reasons I dislike and rarely enjoy the Christmas and New Year period. So here are some of the good things that happened to me this year.

- I was able to spend some quiet time with my lovely wife when we weren't bothered by other things.
- I saw my parents, and they weren't irritating.
- I found at least a little time where I could sit down and properly relax, knowing that all the things that normally fill my head could go away because they didn't matter then and even if they did, there wasn't anything that I could do about them.
- I was given a pruning saw. My Mother really should know better. Mawahaha.
- I ate lots of very nice food in quantities that didn't spoil the experience.
- I was able to have fun playing some games with people without becoming too competitive or intense.

Feeling not alone

2009-01-13T10:15:00.001Z

Last July I had an extended period away from work due to illness. At the start of September I married my wonderful wife, so August was filled with organising and September with being away.

Ever since we first became a couple, having the immediate knowledge that someone was there who cared about me has been a source of strength. In a more specific way, that knowledge has sometimes helped to invalidate the horrible isolation and loneliness that I sometimes feel.

At the end of April last year I stopped posting here. At the time this was mostly due to my attention span, I was almost certainly distracted by something new and shiny, but the break was considerably lengthened by my summer illness and then the wedding and so on.

When we returned from our honeymoon, I caught up with the hundreds of blog posts that I had missed whilst away. One blog that I read, Aethelread The Unread, is concerned with mental health. The author is fluent, intelligent, and comes across as a great guy. In one post he mentioned some blogs that he read that had stopped posting, and noting his concerns about some of them. One blog he mentioned was mine (although with the very accurate comment of "judging by his archives he’s a kind of on-again, off-again blogger anyway").

I cried when I read that, in both a happy and sad way. I felt so incredibly not alone. I am sure that in part in was ego massaging; someone read my blog and noticed something that I did.

But it was also a positive thought. When I feel completely isolated and alone, and when everybody seems to be looking at me with disgust and contempt, I am actually wrong. There are people who notice me; my wife, my parents and family, my friends, my colleagues, people I know through blogs and games. And the rest are oblivious rather than malevolent.

Positive bunnies.

2009-01-08T10:33:00.001Z

One of the frequently occurring pieces of advice that I have received during my illness, from assorted medical and mental health professionals and from friends and family, is to try and focus on good things. Maybe this is doing things that I enjoy, even when I don't feel like being bothered to eat and wash and breathe. Maybe it is trying to think about happy things rather than the constant trains of thought about angry and violent and pessimistic situations and fantasies. Maybe it is just to use my senses and see the nice things that are there.

I am not very good at this, so I shall attempt to practice here. I will make posts about things I enjoy, about positive things that have happened to me, about good news I hear of, about cute happy fluffy bunnies.

Bunny!

I was sexually molested by a cutlery drawer

2009-01-05T09:51:00.000Z

No really, I was.

Why won't my head shut up?

2008-12-10T10:35:00.001Z

All I want to do is get on with my work, but it won't leave me alone.

Mount Fuji, very pretty, not a cure for depression

2008-04-10T11:00:00.004+01:00

First of all, I must credit my Uncle with the spotting of this, ta muchly old stick.

A Guardian article claims in its headline that "Looking at Mount Fuji 'can cure depression'". The article starts by saying that a famous Japanese photographer has noticed that people enjoy looking at his photographs of the mountain.

A further comment from Dr Toshiaki Goto (we don't know a doctor of what though) is quoted as saying

Looking at the sun rising over Mt Fuji could provide a rush of adrenalin in the morning

and

Seeing a photo of the afternoon sun near Mount Fuji is likely to produce a substance called acetylcholine ... which leaves the viewer feeling relaxed.

Fortunately, we have the inevitable 'but some people disagree' line that passes for journalistic integrity these days.

"As a doctor, I don't think it's possible to say that merely looking at a photo of Mt Fuji will clear up any health problems," Kazuo Sakai, a doctor at a mental health clinic in Tokyo, told the magazine.

I have no doubt that the photographs are excellent, and provide enjoyment. I have no doubt that the sight of the sun rising over Mount Fuji is wonderful and can trigger lots of jolly chemicals that give short term relaxation and pleasure. I have probably experienced many similar experiences myself.

What irritates me is the Guardian peddling the myth that depression is nothing more than a passing fit of the blues that can be whisked away with a little short term buzz. The implication being that anyone claiming to be depressed should buck themselves up, look at some pretty pictures and stop leeching from the benefits system. In some ways I wish it were true, of course, I know that they are talking rubbish.

Mount Fuji is a gorgeous mountain though.

No news is bad news

2008-04-08T12:06:00.003+01:00

I have yet to hear anything regarding my job, which can only mean that I haven't been successful.

I feel pretty awful. Upset that I didn't get the job. Worried about having to continue with my current job and the stresses it causes. Irritated with myself for failing to get a job which I am more than capable of doing, which I would love to do, which I could do much better than I do my current one. Frustrated that whenever I try to do something to improve things I fail miserably.

Thankfully the Lovely Lady Duck has been giving me plenty of support. At least I am only morose about my uselessness, and disheartened about my future rather than anything more severe. I wish I could be even better than that for her though.

Ho hum, back to it all.

Job update - interview

2008-04-06T08:53:00.004+01:00

The interview for the job that I applied for was on Friday. I prepared myself quite well, giving plenty of thought to the questions that I thought I would be asked, and my answers to them.

The panel was very friendly and weren't too vicious in their questioning (I love working in the Public sector, the interview would have been much more vigorous and intimidating in big business). Overall I felt I handled the questions fairly well, and didn't go to pieces as is my eternal fear. In retrospect, I think that some of my answers tended to over emphasise the wrong areas. I think I underplayed the specific skills that I could bring to the role.

There were only two other candidates being interviewed. This is where my biggest concern lies. Such a small list for a role with a relatively large responsibility leads to me to two possibilities. Either there were very few suitable candidates who applied, or there was one very strong candidate, or more likely an applicant from within the service who is the automatic winner.

The first option probably helps me. The second leaves me high and dry, as happened the last time I had an interview. Then, one of the other applicants had done the job as maternity cover a year or two in the past. Whilst my feedback was very positive, and I believe the manager when she told me that I made the decision much harder than anticipated, there was still no way I was going to get the job.

I have no problem with that, it would have been absurd for the job not to have gone to the person who had already done it. I was beaten by a better candidate, plain and simple. However, it frustrated me that I still had to be put through the grinder in the first place.

Now all I can do is wait. The panel were deciding Friday afternoon. I didn't hear anything on Friday, so that lowers my hopes of being offered the post, but they may have decided to leave it until Monday morning. Time to wait and see.

I really want this job, I can't help thinking that it would be much better for me and my health.

Second-hand items

2008-03-25T12:37:00.003Z

As you will note from the links on the right hand side, I make use of second-hand options such as Green Metropolis, Amazon Marketplace, and E-bay. I feel that buying second-hand is a positive thing. It reduces waste by encouraging people not to throw things away, and also by reducing the market for new items, and reducing the need for wastefully large print runs which can end up destroyed untouched.

I also try to be as strict as possible about not illegally copying material, be it CDs, games, books, or essays. Whilst I am happy to accept the disgusting greed of the music industry and the poor treatment of the writing and recording artists, I still feel that stealing music (for example) is not only illegal, but probably does have a negative knock-on effect on the artists themselves.

I realised the contradiction in these positions the other day. I try to buy items second-hand. This means I am usually buying from an individual who bears no relation to the original source of the book or CD in question. No royalties will be paid to the author of the book, there will be no boost up the charts for the musician.

From the point of view of the artist, I may as well have acquired an illegal copy. The sole direct beneficiary of my second-hand purchase is the existing owner. In some cases, for example Green Metropolis, there are additional benefits to the second-hand purchase, such as a portion of my money going towards other beneficial projects.

So what is more important to me, the reduction of waste by buying second hand, or supporting the artist for their work?

How are games developers paid?

2008-03-25T12:25:00.003Z

Whilst ruminating on the issue of artists being paid for second-hand sales of books and CDs, I started to think about how games developers are paid.

As I understand it (and I am happy to be corrected if I am wrong, I really don't know that much about it), a musician or band will be contracted by a record label to produce a set number of works, and be paid an amount for that contract. They may also receive a share of royalties or gig income.

Similarly, an author will be contracted by their publisher to write a novel, or multiple novels, be paid for that contract and possible share royalties.

In both fields there will also be the small, independent artists who will carry their own publishing and management costs, and the profit they turn from sales and gigs is what they earn.

In games, there are the small independent developers who operate in much the same fashion. They design and write the games, and what they can sell is their income.

There are also the development teams maintained by the major publishers. Do they operate on a similar contract basis? Publisher X offers a development team a contract to produce a specific game. Are the developers paid direct salaries, do they receive an amount from the project coffers, do they receive a share of royalties?

This is all just idle wondering, but could it have an effect on the way games are developed? Has it had an effect on the way that books are written and music composed?

How to deal with hoaxes?

2008-03-25T08:40:00.003Z

I have never been very good at dealing with people. I lack empathy, and communicating causes me anxiety. Even the thought of the most basic of small talk can frighten me to the point of avoiding it (and then seeming rude and cold).

I was in the office kitchen this morning, brewing a nice cup of Keemun, when I notice a new piece of paper on the kitchen noticeboard. It extolled four unknown properties of mobile phones, and suggested that people spread it to their friends. A couple of the claims didn't ring true for me, so I checked and it seems that it is a regurgitation of a well know hoax come urban myth.

So what do I do? I don't want my friends and colleagues being taken in by this. As a matter of principle I don't want anyone falling for mindless rumours, particularly ones that run against common sense. I don't know who put it up, but even if I did, how would I approach them?

Applying for jobs

2008-03-20T12:23:00.002Z

As I mentioned in my recap of my last down swing, I am applying for a new job. I applied for two posts, and so far have been offered an interview for one.

The process has raised the issue of how I deal with my health when dealing with employers.

When I was assessed by the Occupational Health team of my University, the report stated that I may be considered to be disabled under the Disability Discrimination Act (DDA). During certain periods I think that this would have been fair, including the point at which I saw Occupational Health. However, is it valid in the periods when I am feeling fine, or only mildly troubled by the depression? According to the guidance on the Direct.Gov website

People who have had a disability in the past that meets this definition are also
covered by the scope of the Act.

During the application process, this comes up at several points. In the initial application, there is an equal opportunities (EO) form collecting data concerning all of the the usual areas, gender, age, race, disability. This is almost always stated as being for EO monitoring only, and separated from the main application. Here, I have no hesitation in declaring myself disabled. Whilst I many doubt that definition, I won't have to defend myself over it, and it would only be a marginal exaggeration if not true.

All of the posts I have applied for are at my current institution. When offered an interview, a personal details form is sent. This asks for information about current salary, but also about your sick record and details of disability.

My sick record since October 2006 isn't very good. I have had three extended periods of being signed off and 27 days dotted here and there individually. The form asks for the number of days that I have had off due to sickness in the last two years, but to exclude those relating to a disability. the form also asks whether I have a disability that would have an effect upon my ability to perform the role, and if any adjustments would be required.

Writing this post has cleared my mind on one of these issues at least. The most difficult issue that I struggled with was whether or not to record all of my sick leave related to my depression. I think now I see that the answer is no. I think it is fair to say that in my worst periods, I do fall under the DDA. Thus, at those points I could be defined as disabled, and that sick leave can be left undeclared.

However, this still leaves the other questions. Do I have a disability that can effect my ability to perform in the role to a satisfactory level? Well, sometimes I am so bad that I am not in work, so yes. But in my better periods I can still feel unable to do certain tasks (telephones for example) because of my anxieties. Can adjustments be made? I am lucky that in my current post I have colleagues who are very understanding of my situation, and will take my phone calls for me. That isn't a permanent solution though. Of course, one of my aims in applying for new jobs is getting away from a role in which I am the first point of contact for a primarily customer service based office. Would my anxieties be as problematic if my job didn't involve those responsibilities?

Of course there is then the interview. 'Is there anything else that you would like to add or ask?'.

A few months ago I applied for, and was interviewed for a job. I didn't get it, but fortunately it was in a team that live in the same office as us. The manager of the team was able to give me detailed feedback in person, and I raised that issue (I hadn't mentioned my illness). By coincidence, the team was the University's EO office, so it was rather up the manager's street. She was certain that I shouldn't have mentioned anything at interview. I think I agree with her, but it still leaves me feeling guilty. I try to be as honest about things as possible, and this is a major part of my life, and can have a large impact on my suirroundings, including job performance and colleagues. It seems wrong not to be as up front about it as possible.

Music and games again

2008-03-18T08:56:00.002Z

As I mentioned in my first post on this topic, I was interested by games such as Guitar Hero long before Audiosurf came along. Now a copy of Guitar Hero III has dropped into my lap. It is rather quite fun indeed. I feel many hours of playing coming on, although maybe I won't be dedicating as much time to is as I intend to with Audiosurf. The selection of songs is great, being largely seventies and eighties rock and metal, with a light dabbling of rocky blues.

I have already started investigating purchasing a second controller, and an adapter so that I can play Frets On Fire on my PC.

Talking of new controllers, I think my trusty old Logitech mouse is finally dying, so a new one is in order to keep my Audiosurf performances at their best. Currently I am considering the Razer Krait and the Speed-Link Styx.

Symptoms: Anger

2008-03-14T13:58:00.002Z

During my teenage years, there were a handful of occasions when I lost my temper with other people [1]. On each occasion, I did things of which I am deeply ashamed, and which could have caused physical pain, quite apart from the mental trauma. On one occasion it was only by pure luck (or rather my incompetence at throwing) that this was avoided. I had never lost my temper with other people. I may have been short, or rude, but never angry.

I could grow easily frustrated, and vent that frustration in physical actions, usually hitting a desk or wall, or throwing something across the room. I never did those things in the presence of other people though.

After these incidents, I made a determined attempt to control my temper. At University, I flared up at some one once, and very rapidly brought myself down again. Although I could still grow frustrated, the frequency of my expressions dropped. It was more than that I had developed better control over my anger, although that was the case; I had also relaxed a lot more and was less prone to those feelings in the first place.

My return to York, after graduation and nine months back in Southampton living with my Mother, saw a deepening of my depression after a relatively stable period in my final year at University and the months afterwards. I think I remember that my frustrations were growing at the same time, but I don't know how accurate that memory is. Either way, once I had been put on to medication (Cipralex) for the first time, I am sure that I grew frustrated much less easily, and was much more relaxed.

In the last few months, I have been finding that I grow irritated much more easily, and that I have been exhibiting many more signs of my frustrated behaviour. Small things can trigger this, where they haven't done for many years. Fortunately, I have yet to come close to the depths of anger that I have felt in the past, and I fervently hope that this remains the case. I am worried about this change though.

I don't know if this is related to me ceasing my Fluoxetine, whether I am going through a more depressed phase and the moment and this influences it, or whether it is another external factor. Maybe I just getting old(er) and grumpy(er).

I don't think that my temper and frustration is a direct symptom of my depression. It is just an aspect of my temperament. There may be some indirect link though, maybe when I am more depressed, I am less relaxed and more prone to outbursts; maybe the other way around, if I am tense and frustrated, this can fuel or seed a depressive episode. I am more certain that my shame of my behaviour, that my fear of every returning to such actions and feelings, and my fear of the consequences are very deep rooted. These thought processes almost certainly have not helped my state of mind at times.

Despite that, I don't ever want to lost that fear if it stops me behaving in such a fashion again.

[1] It was always my Mother. I love my Mother dearly; this was nothing more than unfortunate circumstance.

More musical games

2008-03-13T13:33:00.002Z

Last night, the Lovely Lady Duck and I went to the house of our friends. They introduced us (after tasty Sainsbury's burgers) to the joys of PaRappa the Rapper.

PaRappa is a rhythm action game released for the original PlayStation in the mid 1990s. The standard controller is used for input. As with other rhythm games, you have to press certain buttons in time with the music, in this case rapping.

As an experience, it was surreal and amazing. My first attempt with controller in hand led to fits of giggles as a moose dressed in a police uniform attempted to teach me to drive. The bright graphics style, the insane characters, crazy lyrics, and rather giggly friends made this an evening to remember (although I think the resident kitten was less impressed).

Purely as a game, I was less impressed. Feedback between actions and game response seemed random at times. Developing an effective style was very hard, and some things have only made partial sense after reading through the Wikipedia page linked to above. But, it was one of the very first games of its kind, so there were likely to be crinkles to iron out. The drastic shortness did seem like a bit of a bonus, given the difficulty of some songs.

I do now have a drive to explore more rap style music, hopefully We7 will oblige.

Introduction: Pole to Polar

2008-03-13T12:54:00.003Z

At the request of the author of Pole to Polar, here is a link and introduction to the blog. Written by Seaneen, a lass of a not too dissimilar age to me, the blog focuses on her experience of bipolar disorder/manic depression, and helps to educate people about it. Posts are usually informative and interesting.

Go and read it.

Depressive period - recap and conclusion

2008-03-11T13:59:00.003Z

As promised, and never delivered, a continuation of my post describing my recent depressive period. To recap events:

Felt awful on Monday and onwards through the week. I didn't go to work.
On Thursday, decided it was unlikely that I would want to go back that week, so made an appointment with a doctor as I need a sick note if I am away from work for more than four days.
The doctor was a locum rather than my usual GP. She was very nice, told me to start taking my fluoxetine again, and fed me the serotonin hypothesis.
I asked to be signed off. She offered two weeks. I wasn't sure about so long, but she convinced me that I could always go back earlier. I agreed.
I gave the sick note to my manager. She told me I wasn't allowed back until my sick note ran out, unless I was signed back on again by a doctor.
The first week signed off, I was still feeling fairly low. In isolation, I probably would have been at work, but as the end of a severe bout, being off was probably sensible in the longer term.
The second week signed off, I was pretty normal. I didn't bother trying to get an appointment with my doctor to sign me back on, the receptionists at the health centre would have laughed me off the phone.
Back at work now and feeling fine.

The extra (and possible unnecessary) second week probably did me good, but I can't help feeling guilty about being off when I didn't really need to be.

The time off did give me some time to think things through again, and maybe come a little closer to some conclusions this time. I think, as much as I love my job, the customer facing aspects really aren't my strengths, they do cause me stress and worry sometimes, and I don't perform very well at them. So I am looking for an alternative job. I won't be rushing into the first thing that turns up, and I will only be applying for posts that I think will suit me. There would be no point jumping from one stressful role to another.

Crossover

2008-02-25T11:45:00.001Z

Before I met the Lovely Lady Duck, the most important thing in my day to day life was music It is still the case that offered a choice between my music collection (and suitable audio equipment) and most human company, it would be the music that came to the mythical desert island.

Music can have a dramatic effect upon my emotions. It can powerfully affect me, invoking various feelings. Some pieces have brought me close to a state of euphoria. Also I find great intellectual interest in listening to music and understanding the histories and development of the musicians.

Although I prefer to listen to music in a state as close to that intended by the composer as possible, I find interest in experiencing different ways of listening; mono rather than stereo, really bad speakers, with earplugs in, and so on. Different experiences can give different, and wider understandings of the music.

Another of my favourite activities is playing computer games. I have been intrigued by games such as Guitar Hero, or the open source alternative, Frets on Fire, but have never managed to try them out. All of a sudden there was a flood of coverage on gaming websites about Audiosurf. The constant positive comments nagged me into submission; I submitted and purchased Audiosurf on Steam.

Wow. I am not going to bother explaining the game mechanics, I am getting too excited. Wahoo! Why I find this game so wonderful:

Fun, action game play that shockingly hasn't got frustrating (yet).
A wide variety of styles, different modes, different intensities, but a standard core game.
Trippy graphics that are trippy. Wahoo! Trippy.
My music defines the game. I can pick and choose what I want to play based on my choice of music. I can be competitive with other people about something the really matters to me. Wahoo!

For a long time there has been a conflict between music and games. I dislike listening to my music whilst playing games as the sound effects and incidental music can spoil my listening. Very few games lose nothing with the removal of sound (one reason for the vast amount of Civ that I played). Audiosurf is my saviour. A great game, that interacts with my music, and which doesn't disturb it. Wahoo!

Depressive cycle

2008-02-20T11:52:00.001Z

After a couple of really good weeks, I have been on a depressive cycle again. The Lovely Lady Duck has been a great support and she gives me much strength. I have also been trying to think about what is happening to me as much as possible so that I can overcome my problems in the short term, and predict and fight future occurrences.

Work seems to be the major factor at the moment. I read a blog named Crazy Nurse. The author has also been having some problems with her mental health, and recently posted about the relation this has to her work.

Its odd that even when I think I don't care, I do care about my job. I think I gain self worth from my job.

The last few days, I have been feeling exactly the opposite. I have been feeling no emotional attachment to my job, I care very little that i haven't been going in. I love my job, I enjoy the work, and the principle of the role is exactly what I seek; yet my desire to do anything has dribbled away.

I have a number of ideas about why this is:

At present, we are having a very quiet period. Not very much is happening, and most of my tasks involve working on long term projects that have no definite goal or sense of urgency.
In general, the role doesn't tax me much. I enjoy the administration tasks, and take pleasure in completing them, but sometimes I have to make things difficult for myself to gain any real satisfaction.
I feel quite strongly (at the moment) that the rest of the team could do very well without me. During these quiet times I don't think that my absence would be noticed from a work perspective.
I still really don't like having to talk to people on the phone. As one of the major parts of my job is acting as first point of contact for the Unit, this causes problems, which I then go on to feel increasingly guilty about.

To reiterate, I do love my job. When I am feeling well, I enjoy doing it, and helping people in a concrete fashion is a wonderful thing. I am worried that it is increasingly triggering some episodes of my depression though.

Something else that Crazy Nurse said also rang true for me:

Plus hospital is kind of an escape, a time out where I can lie around and I am not expected to do anything and by the time I am discharged whatever it was that was stressing me out always seems lessened.

Being ill has often felt like an escape for me. In the past, where a down period has been triggered by worry about a particular issue that I feel that I can't face, I hide. These last few days have been different. As stated above, I have been disconnected from my job. A part of my reaction has been, why should I go to work when there is so little that I can achieve? In reality, this has led to me moping and sleeping a great deal, and feeling very guilty about not being in work because I do know that there is plenty that I could and should do.

(Time to change to the second CD of the B Minor Mass, and close this post. Follow up to come.)

Fluoridating MPs

2008-02-15T15:25:00.002Z

A missive that I sent to my MP, Hugh Bayley, using the excellent Write To Them service.

---

Dear Mr Bayley,

I noted last week that the Health Secretary, Alan Johnson MP, is
leading a drive to encourage the fluoridation of water supplies. Two
parts of his statements seemed important to me. Firstly, he suggested
that there is strong evidence that the fluoridation of water is of
benefit to dental health. Secondly, he encouraged debate of the issue
at a local level.

In 1999 the Department of Health commissioned a systematic review from
the Centre for Reviews and Dissemination (CRD) at the University of
York into the efficacy of fluoridating drinking water supplies. This
review was 'unable to discover any reliable good-quality evidence in
the fluoridation literature world-wide'[1]. The CRD has been at pains
to make its findings known, and to ensure that they are understood. In
fact, it released a statement asking that the relevant decision makers
make themselves aware of the contents of the report. The full text of
the statement and report can be found on the CRD website at
http://www.york.ac.uk/inst/crd/fluoridnew.htm.

Given the results of the review, commissioned by the Department of
Health, I am surprised that the Minister is supporting this initiative.
As my MP, I was wondering if you would be able to find out why this is
so, especially given the recent emphasis placed by many members of the
government on making evidence based decisions. Clearly, this policy is
in conflict with the existing evidence.

In addition, as the Minister suggested asked that debate occurs at a
local level, I would like to add my voice to those asking that the York
water supplies are not fluoridated, if for no other reason than it
seems foolish to waste public money on a project that has no shown
benefit. If of course any future well-conducted studies were to show
benefits of water fluoridation, I would happily change my position.

Yours sincerely,
LSNDuck

[1] CRD, October 2003: http://www.york.ac.uk/inst/crd/fluoridnew.htm

Doom 3 - a rant

2008-02-15T12:03:00.002Z

Following on from my celebratory Doom 3 post, I shall also vent a little frustration at the game.

Doom 3 is an excellent combination of emotive experiences, well designed story telling, great gun action, and big scary demons trying to eat your face. What more could you want? It a first-person shooter (FPS). The concept of the genre is to take people (usually), give them big guns, and things to shoots at. Some FPS games focus entirely on giving an environment for humans to fight each other (UT, TF2). Some prefer to focus on frantic, unending player vs computer action (Serious Sam, the original Dooms). Certain games attempt to tell a story, set a scene, envelop the players in a world (Half-Life, Doom 3). The premise is the same. People. Big guns. Things to shoot.

Doom 3 does the shooting very well, it does the atmosphere very well, it does the story well enough to support the atmosphere. Then, at a handful of moments in the game, things are ruined. There are jumping sections. There are jumping sections that require considerable precision to get through. There are jumping sections where if you fail to have this ultimate precision, you not only die, but cannot progress further in the game.

During the game, I died around half a dozen times in combat (because the game was easy, not because I am that good). There was a section in the penultimate level which required you to jump down a passageway between four platforms that retracted into the walls. After ten minutes or so of endless death, I decided to create a save game each time I managed to progress safely down one platform. Even with the four separate saves, one for each platform, I spent twenty minutes of frustrating load-jump-die-reload. My poor computer didn't know what to do with itself. I spent more time watching the loading screen than attempting to jump between platforms.

I want to play an engrossing game (with lots of guns and nasty demons to kill) that involves me, that draws me into its world, that lets me kill things in a violent fashion. I do not want to have my involvement in the situation completely destroyed by constant reloading. A certain amount of acrobatics (in game) can be a good thing, it can progress a story, it can develop atmosphere. To make those sections require such a high level of ability that only the most highly skilled players or those willing to put up with endless repetition and blind luck, is absurd. Make it hard, but give alternative routes. Make it linear, but keep it to a reasonable difficulty level.

If I want to have to complete pixel-perfect tests of precision and repetition, I would play Tomb Raider, or more likely dig out my Master System for some 8-bit platform action (which usually ended up with me punching something).

Doom 3 is an excellent piece of design, and I love it to bits. The frustration of the poorly considered jumping segments to the game has marred it.

Doom 3 - completed

2008-02-15T12:00:00.002Z

The posting date is correct, this is February 2008. I appreciate that Doom 3 is old news. However, I have completed a computer game from start to finish. Wahoo! Why is this so unusual for me?

I have an attention span that can either be completed obsessive, or more often very limited. Obsessiveness tends to occur with open ended games rather than those with definite goals.
I grow frustrated easily, which is a problem if a game starts to become difficult.
I am easily distracted by new shiny toys.

So to complete a game with a definite end point is an achievement for me. Why do I think I managed it with Doom?

The game is quite short and easy.
The game design and flow is (mostly) excellent. I found the story, atmosphere, and situation engrossing. There was a high emotional attachment to events, mostly fear and tension, but also reward and satisfaction based.
There is a clear escape from reality in the game, and there is no other human relying on my actions.
I was almost forced to play in short bursts because of the intense emotions that the game produced.

I have been planning some posts linking why I play games, which games I play, my depression, and connections between them and wider contexts. I think Doom has given a small overview of the conclusions those posts will reach.

Doom 3 itself then? Probably vying with Unreal Tournament 2004 as my favourite FPS game. Doom probably beats UT to it, as I prefer the story elements to the straight forward multi-player emphasis.

Response from the Green Party

2008-02-01T15:06:00.000Z

At the end of November, I wrote to the Green Party explaining why I had decided not to renew my membership. The text of my e-mail can be found in my previous post.

I was surprised to receive a response from the membership secretary of my local party. He said:

Sorry to hear you're not renewing your Green Party membership. I agree with your point about scientific illiteracy and also that there are ways to reduce quantities of paper we send.

York Green Party also has a supporters' scheme, where for £5 a year you can remain a supporter. The quantity of literature you receive is much reduced, but it means you are still kept in touch with regarding news and events.

I am glad that at the local level there are options to reduce the large amounts of paper sent out by the party. It is also heartening to see a positive response to my comments concerning the level of scientific literacy within the Green Party.

Although I won't be rejoining in the near future, some of my confidence is the common membership of the party is restored.

Depression and Omega 3, a follow up

2008-02-01T14:19:00.000Z

Before Christmas Henry North London, the writer of the Musings of the Medic blog suggested the use of Omega 3 fats(commonly found in certain fish and food supplements) for assisting with depression. I asked for some references, and Henry kindly provided a link to an article which cited a study (link to the abstract on PubMed).

This study was unfortunately not of much use. First, it wasn't looking at depression, but at anger disorders. Secondly, the study looked at two cases, both pre-pubescent boys. A sample size of two is not large enough to draw any form of conclusion, however well designed and run the study is. The article which cites this study seems to have, will good intentions no doubt, jumped on the bandwagon without applying any critical thought to the study.

A wider search on PubMed reveals a large number of papers on omega-3 and depression. Overall, it is very inconclusive. The handful of papers relating to actual studies are of very small sizes, or of a nature that can indicate possible correlations, but not causations.

One study offers more firm conclusions, indicating that a low dose of Ethyl-Eicosapentaenoate (an omega-3 fatty acid) can offer short term benefits over and above placebo in long term depressed patients. However, the study only covered twelve weeks, and was still fairly small (n=70). The conclusion of the freely available full text states "Its position in the treatment spectrum will be established only by further trials."

There seem to be some positive indications for the use of omega-3 fats in the treatment of depression, but large long-term intervention studies need to be carried out before anything like a firm conclusion can be drawn.

Depression and Omega 3

2007-12-14T09:42:00.000Z

Via Mental Nurse and Musings of the Medic I came across a claim for the efficacy of Omega 3 fish oils in treating depression. Unfortunately, Musings of the Medic didn't quote any sources.

A quick check of PubMed showed some studies that are suggestive of positive results, but that state that further research is required before strong claims can be made.

When the internet has been turned on in the new house of ducks, I shall pursue this further. Or when I get bored at work.

E-mail to the Green Party

2007-11-24T09:42:00.001Z

Dear madam/sir,

Thank you for all of your recent correspondence concerning the lapsing of my Green Party Membership. Please accept my apologies for the delay in responding.

I have a great affinity with the principles, and the majority of policies of the Green Party; more so than with any of the other political groups. This extends not only to your stance on environmental issues, but to the wider issues such as benefits, education, and foreign policy. In any future elections, I am most likely to vote for a Green candidate.

However, I no longer feel it appropriate for me directly support the Party with either a financial contribution, or by being a full member. I have two reasons for this.

I strongly believe that the best way for a party such as the Green Party to be successful, it should base its policies and campaigning on as firm as base as possible. Having been brought up and educated with a strong scientific basis, and having observed the increasingly populist form that recent politics has taken, it seems that a truly benevolent government should be focusing on what works, what can be shown to work, and to what can rationally be expected to work.

Whilst a large proportion of formal Green Party policy has been formed in this way, I am increasingly concerned by the behaviour of senior Party members who are abandoning these principles and resorting to positions that seem more interested in manipulating irrational fears than in the realities of a given situation.

As a brief example, there was some brief concern over the potential dangers of wireless computer communications. These concerns have very little basis either in observable effect, or in the theories that underlie our current understanding of the physical world. There are certain parts of the media, and opportunistic politicians, who I had no surprise in seeing jump on this and create irrational fears and ban everything headlines. I did not expect this behaviour from senior members of a party that I had joined at least partly on the basis of its rationality.

I fully accept the right of any individual member to hold some particular views that do not agree entirely with the policy of their party. There are of course one or two points in which I disagree with Green Party manifestos. However, there is also an added responsibility upon senior party members, particularly those who are frequently providing a voice for the party in public fora, to be consistent with party policy, and where they are known to disagree, to at least be sure that their disagreement in based on a tenable position.

On a second, more practical note, I have been astounded by the amount of information I have received from the Green Party during my year as a member. Communication is a very important part of any political movement, but the volume of paper that I have received, frequently with separate mailings from different sources containing exactly the same information has almost disgusted me.

In addition, none of this sources seem to offer alternative methods of communication, most notably in my mind an e-mail or internet based method of delivery that would reduce the amount of physical resources used.

I repeat that I will continue to vote for the Green Party at every opportunity. I will continue to support the aims of the Party where I can, both in practical acts, and in communicating with friends, relatives, and in dealing with important issues. However, I cannot consider offering financial support, or continuing my formal relationship with the Party given my concerns raised above.

Yours sincerely,

LSNDuck

Confusion

2007-11-07T13:39:00.000Z

There are times when I miss my pre-medication days. My feelings were much more clear cut then; if I was angry-depressed, I knew it, if I was apathetic, I knew it (and didn't care).

At the moment, now I am on fluoxetine (which reminds me, must go and takes today's), everything is confusing. My mood is much more balanced and positive. I still have the occasional melancholic period, but I can't remember having an angry or dark mood since changing drugs. I don't tend to feel apathetic any more, but I still think it a great deal.

In one of my previous posts, I described a sense of blocking. Looking back at that post, my mood did seem to be low at the time, but it wasn't too bad. Over the last couple of days, that sense, and my thoughts have been very much against me. Yet my mood has been relatively good.

My mind is still running in the old grooves of self-criticism. I am not capable of doing my job, there is no point in my being there, I have no purpose or use. But my mood isn't there. I am certainly not at the top of my game, but I am not in the depths that I have suffered before. At the same time I know that all of feelings and emotions are there. I can feel them sitting and grinning at me.

This causes a great deal of confusion. My mind can't deal with doing things, going to work, trampolining, or whatever it is. I feel OK; not great, but OK. I can sense darker things there. Then the feedback starts up, I feel fine, so what do I think I am playing at? Guilt now adds into the self-deprecation cycle, but my mood stays reasonable.

Grr at my head.

--
Footnote: For various reasons I went to a different pharmacy for my last prescription. Their fluoxetine is from a different manufacturer from my usual. The capsule coating tastes foul. Ugh.

Obesity evidence

2007-10-31T13:11:00.000Z

Interestingly, following my recent post concerning Junkfood Science and obesity, a major report has been released on the subject.

The Expert Report, Food, Nutrition, Physical Activity and the Prevention of Cancer: a Global Perspective is produced by the World Cancer Research Fund. According to the website the report is:

the most current and comprehensive analysis of the literature on diet, physical activity and cancer.

I shall read as much as I can, consider the evidence used, and report back here.

Newcastle University organic food study

2007-10-30T10:50:00.000Z

Yesterday, the Guardian and the BBC website reported news concerning an EU funded study into organic foods carried out led by the University of Newcastle.

The Guardian article was titles 'Organic food is healthier: study', whilst the BBC used "Organic produce 'better for you'". Both indicate that the study showed organic foods (in this study, fruit, vegetables, and cow based products) to be more healthy than non-organic food.

Unfortunately, none of the news coverage linked to more detailed information, and I couldn't find any after some cursory searching.

Using the coverage as the sole source of information, I have the following concerns about the report:

It has yet to be published, or peer reviewed. Thus no comment can be passed on the accuracy of the study, or the interpretation of results. Unusually, the BBC noted this.

The main basis for the the organic fruit and vegetables being considered more healthy is that they contain higher levels of anti-oxidants than non-organic comparisons. Whilst many claims are made for the health benefits of anti-oxidants, there is very little evidence to support them. The majority of studies have either shown no benefit, or in some cases, a reduction in benefit where additional anti-oxidants are applied.

It may be that anti-oxidants are good for us, in which case these organic crops will be better in that sense. The coverage, however, incorrectly assumes that this is true, invalidating the conclusion that the study shows the organic produce to be healthier.

Assuming that the journalists were reasonably true to the press release they were given, the information seems remarkably scant. Some mention is made of increased levels of some fatty acids as well as other 'nutrients'. No details of which, and in what quantity were given.

The release itself stated that there were wide variations in results.

So, whilst it may be that organic produce is better for us in some ways than non-organic, as it stands at the moment we can't say so with any degree of certainty. This release of information does not change that position, despite the inference from the news coverage otherwise.

Introduction: Junkfood Science

2007-10-28T09:01:00.001Z

One blog that I have been keeping up to date with recently has been Junkfood Science. Written by Sandy Szwarc, a qualified nurse, if focusses on the science and issues around obesity. The position of the blog is largely against the message delivered by governments that there is an obesity crisis that is threatening the health of the (western) world. The main points seem to be:

1. Obesity doesn't cause disease or medical conditions as is widely reported. It can be a marker for causes, but isn't one of itself.
2. In some situations, obesity can have positive health influences.
3. Highlighting the discrimination against the obese, including the negative effect that the 'war on obesity' has on this.
4. Indicating that the 'war on obesity' is a potentially large market, especially when reinforced by government campaigns.
5. That the obesity crisis is largely a false interpretation of the real situation.

Generally, the posts are well structured and written. Sandy Szwarc makes frequent references to studies and publications, and offers her analysis of their findings, which commonly run against the popular interpretations.

The clarity and apparent evidence base of these claims has caused me to consider the subject in greater depth. That the main emphasis of Junkfood Science runs against popular opinion, and the beliefs that I have been taught, and with apparently reliable evidence in support, have interested me a great deal.

I have briefly looked at some of the opposing views, some of which are very vehemently against Sandy Szwarc, but I think I will do so in much greater depth, and report what I discover here.

Monitor update

2007-10-27T18:40:00.001+01:00

Two successes:

1. I found out how to run Doom 3 in custom resolutions.

Open DoomConfig.cfg in the Doom 3/base folder.
Change seta r_mode "-1"
This tells Doom 3 to use the custom screen size you are about to use:
seta r_customHeight "900"
seta r_customWidth "1440"
with the values the screen size you want.
seta r_fullscreen "1"
Will set fullscreen mode on (1) or off (0).

Thanks to this Doom 3 FAQ and TweakGuides for this.

2. I persuaded Pharaoh (and I hope Caesar 3) run in windowed mode - make sure that you are running in 16 bit colour mode and not 32 bit. Thanks to Heaven Games for that tip.

I think I have headed off my desire for a second monitor.

Monitor woes

2007-10-27T09:17:00.000+01:00

When I purchased a new computer, I bought a separate system and monitor. Now, in my infinite wisdom, I went for a widescreen monitor. Unfortunately, this has had unforeseen consequences.

Being towards the bottom end of the monitor market, it doesn't support proper letter-boxing. Usually, non-widescreen television owners will see this as a problem with the almost ubiquitous use of widescreen broadcast these days; the black strips at the top and bottom of the screen. For me, it is a different issue. When the computer is outputting an image in the good old fashion 4:3 ratio (1024x768 for example), the monitor stretches it across its full width, distorting the image. Some monitors will put vertical black strips to the sides, so the image is shown in the correct proportions.

I play quite a few games, a large proportion of which are of quite an old vintage. Most of them only support resolutions in the 4:3 ratio. Some of these games (Doom 3 for example) will run in a window rather than full screen, so I can play them undistorted, but with the Windows desktop partially showing. However, a lot of my games won't run windowed, so if I want to play them, I have to do so with a stretched image. Which isn't very nice.

I have tried a number of devious solutions (virtualisation for example), but none have been successful. So now I am teetering on the edge of buying a second, 4:3, monitor. I have always wanted to run dual monitors, for the toy factor as much as anything, but it seems an expensive way to solve this problem. I also lack physical space.

The trials of geekdom.

Cathartic One

2007-10-25T14:31:00.000+01:00

My mood seems level yet there is a block. I can't take action towards going to work. The long stretches of time behind the desk are terrifying. The visits and calls of people are moments of panic. Yet I know that I can deal with the people. I know that there is plenty of work to fill the time. Yet I am still blocked. Ever act seems so hard, yet it doesn't feel hard. It is odd not having the old angry mood to accompany these thoughts. That seemed more reasonable to give in to. This is just me trying to skip my responsibilities. But why am I so thwarted? I know me when I am being selfish and lazy; and this isn't me. Or am I trying to justify my laziness behind a believable excuse? I knew this would happen when I took my first sick day. Today am I really ill or just taking advantage?

I had hoped that writing this would have washed it out of me, or made the honest answer clear.

Reply to my e-mail

2007-05-06T11:16:00.001+01:00

The reply to my e-mail from my local Liberal Democrat candidate. He failed to address my concerns, but he did answer within two hours, which was very good.

===

Dear Mr Duck,

Thank you for your e-mail.

You will have seen my regular Focus newsletters throughout the past four years that I have been your local councillor, and I have continued with this literature through the election campaign. All the leaflets are on recycled paper.

My aim is to keep in touch with local residents all year round, for example, to highlight local issues such as the Germany Beck development and the campaign for a pedestrian refuge.

On another note, I have been in communication with your neighbours about the planning application for [censored]. I am going to be making representations on their behalf to council officers, but welcome any comments you may have.

Kind regards,

Keith
----
Cllr Keith Aspden
Liberal Democrat, Fulford Ward
http://democracy.york.gov.uk/mgUserInfo.asp?UID=107

Local election letter

2007-04-30T13:20:00.001+01:00

An e-mail to our Liberal Democrat candidate in the coming local elections:

---

Dear sir,

I am writing with regards the local election material that has been distributed on behalf of yourself and the Liberal Democrats. In past elections I have consistently voted Liberal Democrat, and although I always keep an open mind before casting my vote, was strongly considering doing so again in the coming election.

Unfortunately, two aspects of your campaign have caused me to reconsider.

Firstly, your stance has been almost purely negative, being based on the premise that voting Liberal Democrat is not voting Labour or Conservative. However, I accept this as a feature of modern politics, especially from the major parties and it is not my greatest concern.

Secondly, I am greatly concerned by the simple volume of material that has been distributed. So far I have received at least four flyers, of either A4 or A3 size, with identical content. In addition has been your recent personalised letter.

I appreciate that you wish to put a great deal of effort into your election campaign. I also understand more generally that election turnout is very low at present and you wish to have as many people voting as possible on general principle.

However, the sheer volume of paper that you have used shows a disturbing lack of concern for the environmental impact of your campaign. In addition, it is quite insulting that you feel the need to mindlessly repeat the same material so many times as though the potential voters were incapable of understanding it if they were only
presented it once.

I have yet to finally decide who I shall vote for on Thursday, but I am afraid that it is unlikely that it will be for you. In future elections, I will of course keep an open mind and judge on the circumstances at the time.

Thank you for your consideration.

Yours sincerely,

LSNDuck
--
[Address trimmed out]

The Master and Margarita

2007-02-20T10:32:00.000Z

Here is a copy of the Amazon review that I posted for this book (mainly added here to remind me to point the person who recommended the book to me to the review).

***

I had The Master and Margarita recommended as a literary classic and great. Unfortunately, I have been unmoved by it.

I have the Glenny translation suggested as superior by many of my fellow Amazon reviewers. I shudder to think what I would have made of the alternatives. While of course the English is well formed, I found the styles to be inconsistent and irritating. Unfortunately, I am unable to comment on the accuracy of the translation.

The bulk of the book was a confused mess. The vast majority of the characters were dragged out of nowhere for no particular reason and with no seeming point. Almost all of them were shallow and vapid. Yet this doesn't seem to be a constant fault of the author. He made one or two people come alive with the tiniest amount of effort. Some characters could be explicably empty, but some really missed a real existence to attach them to the reader.

This left the book hanging on to the story to redeem itself to me. Which is a shame as although there are some events that happen one after the other, there isn't much of a point to them. There is nothing more than a series of ideas strung out after each other with little connection or intent. Some individual scenes are magnificent in their potential, but wasted in this setting.

The political satire is well formed, and for me drags the book to two stars rather than one.

I can only assume that I have totally missed the point and that when I come to read The Master And Margarita again in twenty years time I shall go 'oh, so that is what he was trying to say'. For now, I shall stick to Pasternak and Dostoevsky for my Russian literature; they may be much harder work but at least there is reward for the effort.

Noah, an alternative history

2007-02-19T09:22:00.000Z

"Noah?"

"Yes, my love?"

"You know you sent out a dove again? Was it the same one?"

"I don't think so dear. Why?"

"Well, I have been counting the doves and they all seem to be there. Do you know what sort it was?"

"One of the greyish-white ones; bigger than the others."

"Noah, all of the doves are the same sort of size."

"You know, the big ones, likes fish."

"I did happen to visit the sea birds earlier. One of the albatrosses was missing. You didn't send out an albatross instead of a dove did you?"

***

"Noah?"

"Yes God?"

"You know I asked you to send out another dove? I seem to be having some trouble with it."

"Really Lord?"

"I don't like to spoil the surprise, but I was intending to have it fetch an olive leaf; a bit of symbolism you understand."

"Ah."

"I pointed the dove in the right direction and suggested to it to pluck a leaf."

"Yes Lord?"

"It seems more inclined to pull the whole sapling out of the ground."

"Oh?"

"It isn't a dove, is it Noah?"

"No Lord."

"It is an albatross, isn't it Noah?"

"Yes Lord."

"I really do despair of you people at times."

Royal Mail

2007-02-06T09:00:00.000Z

I have recently discovered that the Royal Mail offer an on-line postage printing service. You can buy postage for the basic services, print off an address slip or label on your printer and stick it on your post.

It seems to work well and is genuinely useful. It certainly saves having to walk to the Post Office as much.

E-mail to Amazon

2007-01-18T08:58:00.000Z

I have been growing increasingly irritated by Amazon and the changes they have made to their interface, in particular the use of information about Marketplace items. So I wrote an e-mail to them:

Comments:Dear madam/sir,

Whilst I have been very impressed with the redesigned search and item list interface, there is one issue that makes it at times almost unusable. A large number of categories are filled with Amazon Marketplace items. These items make it very hard to find genuine Amazon stock, often requiring that I look through several pages of items to find one that is relevant.

On a related note, the Wishlist shows prices not of Amazon stock, but of Marketplace items. Thus to discover how much an item will cost, I need to view the individual item page for each item rather than having the information displayed in a simple list as the Wishlist concept would seem to imply.

I have searched high and low through my account preferences, through the relevant screens, and through the on-line help but can find no suggestion of how to exclude Marketplace items from searches or the Wishlist.

I have no interest in buying second-hand items from sources who will never be able to match the reliability or trustworthiness of Amazon. I wish to buy first-hand stock from Amazon, yet the recent interface changes seem to make this strangely difficult.

Yours sincerely,
******

Their response was as follows:

Dear Customer

Thank you for contacting Amazon.co.uk.

We appreciate that you've taken the time to send us your suggestion. I have passed along your comments to our developers; customer feedback like yours is essential in helping them determine what additional features our visitors and customers want most.

Thank you for shopping at Amazon.co.uk.

Sausages

2006-12-19T19:24:00.000Z

One aspect of food packaging has irritated me for some time. Most packaging comes with a 'serving suggestion' picture on it. These pictures fall into one of four categories.

One: Not irritating; and thus not interesting.

Two: The lovely. These pictures show an item of culinary delight which includes the ingredient inside the packaging. Unfortunately, the packaging does not include a recipe indicating how the contents become the whole dish or what other items are required. This is more of a disappointment than an irritation.

Three: The self-evident. The tub of ice-cream with a picture of two scoops of ice-cream in a bowl with a spoon. Well I was hardly going to eat it off of the floor, was I?

Four: The imbecilic. I recently purchased some Sainsbury's Taste The Difference pork and bramley apply sausages. They are very nice sausages, as are all in that range, I thoroughly recommend them.

On the packaging is the inevitable serving suggestion picture. The way in which the designers recommend eating six pork sausages is thus: A bramley with a sprig of sage. That is correct, the serving suggestion for a packet of sausages does not include any sausages.

I can quite understand wanting to put a picture of a bramley apple on a packet of sausages which have bramleys in them. That would be logical and a sensible way of decorating these sausages. Putting the words 'serving suggestion' on this picture does not do anyone any good.

Just in case you missed my point above: The serving suggestion for a packet of sausages. Does not. Include. Any. Sausages.

This is absurd. Completely absurd.

England versus Western Australia

2006-12-10T09:49:00.000Z

The BBC match report of the England versus Western Australia warm-up game.

Geraint Jones, in the team as a specialist batsman, scores a primary.

Chris Read, wicketkeeper-batsman, scores fifty nine.

Richard Dawkins, a continuation

2006-12-09T16:23:00.000Z

A reader of my blog made a few comments about my treatment of Richard Dawkins in my previous post. My response to those comments is below. I have edited them slightly in order that they make more sense away from the context of the reader's comments. Also, they are slightly disjointed, again because of the lack of context, back I think it all makes sense.

Before my reply though, I would like to add that the previous post was intended as a humorous image of hell. My intent was not to attack either Richard Dawkins or Ian Paisley, that was merely an added bonus.

My reply:

I don't take issue with the content of Dawkins' work. For the most part I agree with it; in the original post I explicitly recognised his ability as a biologist. His views on religion may be exaggerated, but I have no argument with the core of his arguments. Naturally, as a believer, there are some things I outright disagree with.

What I find ironic is his attitude and method of delivery. He makes a big show of being the rational scientist with an open mind fighting the evils of the superstitious religious nonsense. Yet he is as closed to differing opinions as the con-evo southern baptist, the hardcore papist or even your typical middle of the road liberal Anglican. He is as much a religious fanatic as Paisley is. I do not hesitate to call either bigoted.

Absolutely many religious movements have been vicious, nasty things. Some get it right, but they don't tend to last long. But that is true of any organised piece of humanity, be it a government, a public service or a bunch or randoms in the pub. The problem isn't religion, or God; it is humans.

That in itself is another danger of the science can solve and cure everything camp. Science can't by itself, it needs to be pointed in the right direction. That pointing may come from God, or it may not, but to uphold science as God leads to the assumption that something that can be done, should be done. Hiroshima, Nagasaki, napalm and Portsmouth say otherwise.

A small corner in hell.

2006-11-29T09:25:00.000Z

"By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our
brains drop out." - Richard Dawkins.

For a long time I have been seeing that quote as it is the signature of someone on a mailing list to which I subscribe (http://www.york.lug.org.uk/). Each time I see it, I chuckle.

I have this vision of (a particularly Victorian fire and brimstone type) hell in which there is a little room, locked for all eternity. Inside this room are Richard Dawkins and Rv. Ian Paisley (snr).

Both are very intelligent men. Dawkins is a leading evolutionary biologist of great knowledge and Paisley a politician of renown. They are also two of the most arrogant, narrow-minded bigots in the public eye today. Neither are capable of rational debate; Paisley preferring to shout as loudly as possible into the nearest microphone and Dawkins ranting in paperback. More importantly neither seem capable of admitting that anyone except themselves may have a valid opinion.

To confine two such polarised and fanatical men in a room together could be cause of much amusement to an anthropomorphised satan.

Not that I am judgemental you understand.

Holiday

2006-03-01T13:01:00.000Z

As I am sure you have noticed, I haven't posted anything for a while.
I haven't really had anything to say that would be of any interest,
not even to me.

Time for a holiday for this little duck. I am sure that I will
return at some point in the not too distant future, but for now,
assume a lack of quacks.

God bless you all, I shall see you soon.

More newspapers

2006-02-02T08:41:00.000Z

I was disappointed to discover that more European newspapers had published the cartoons that have caused much offence to Islam.

I will repeat again that they have every right to do so if they wish; this doesn't change the fact that I think they are wrong to do so.

The original publication by the Danish paper can be accepted if only because they did not understand that such offence could or would be caused. Now that the issue is known, I can see no excuse for repeated publication.

I do not accept the argument that it is a defence of the free speech principal. Such a defence could easily have been made in a written article without the offencive material. I can not see the case is made any stronger by using the pictures.

After some thought I can see only two reasons why the other newspapers would publish the pictures. Either they assume some natural superiority of their own feelings and cannot accept that their actions do cause harm or they have malicious intent and wish to deliberately cause offence.

They have every right to do so though and the fact that I think they are wrong to do so doesn't change that.

Danish paper apologises

2006-02-01T09:23:00.000Z

For those who haven't followed this story in the news, a brief recap.
A Danish newspaper published some caricatures of Mohamed. Images of
all of the prophets, in particular of Mohamed, are considered
offensive and possibly blasphemous in Islam. A large number of
Muslims were offended by the images and responses ranged from a
formal protest by the Danish Muslim association to a boycott of
Danish products in middle-eastern countries.

I am glad that the paper has apologised for the offence that it has
caused, but equally glad that is hasn't apologised for publishing the
pictures in the first place.

I will defend absolute freedom of speech completely but I will repeat
until I am blue in the face that with freedom comes responsibility.
You should be able to publish such pictures if you wish but you have
to be prepared for the consequences of your actions and to take
responsibility for them

Many have argued that the response of those offended in this
particular case was not appropriate and that may be so but those
people are responsible for their actions and the newspaper is
responsible for its actions. I am glad that the paper recognised
this and apologised for offending people whether it intended to cause
offence or not.

Confessions

2006-01-31T09:19:00.000Z

In the wake of Holy Blood, Holy Grail I am now reading the
confessions of St. Augustine.

What a delight. Wonderful words and more truth and wisdom in a
single paragraph than in the whole of Holy Blood. Read them.

The two little wrens are in my tree again. So cute.

Holy blood, holy grail

2006-01-30T16:44:00.000Z

I have (very nearly, only a couple of pages left) finished The Holy
Blood and the Holy Grail by Michael, Baigent, Richard Leigh and Henry
Lincoln.

I did consider reading the Da Vinci Code after all of the fuss that
there has been about it but the opinions of several people that I
trust (my Mother, Front Row, The Guardian) tended to describe it as
interesting idea, low grade literature. So I decided to avoid the
alleged dodgy writing and read the book that Da Vinci Code was based
upon, namely Hold Blood.

My general conclusion: interesting idea, low grade writing and
history.

The premise of the book is well thought through and generally
internally consistent. So was the X-Files. I have little problem
accepting the concept of a shadowy organisation working through
several hundreds of years to achieve certain aims, I would be
surprised if there weren't many such. Unfortunately, evidence and
rigour are decidedly lacking through out. Referencing is variable,
sometimes very good and sometimes appalling. Some grand claims are
made on the basis of evidence and documents which are conveniently
unreferenced. Many suppositions are made, which is fine, this is
history after all, but then treated as fact upon which further
suppositions can be built, many times over. Again in itself this is
fine, but there is so little evidence and so many alternative
interpretations that it is very difficult to accept this as anything
other than vague theory, which may have a basis in truth or even be
mostly true but then again may just be a long fairy story.

There was one other thing that bugged me slightly. There was a bit
of a rant about synthesis of techniques in academic disciplines,
which I largely agree with, and it seemed that the booked showed a
genuine attempt to develop such aims. Except for the slight
omission, explicitly stated, of even the slightest use of theology,
which is something I feel has some bearing on the subject. And then
of course, the authors make several isolated and very strong claims
of a very theological nature with no attempt to support them and no
possibility of accepting that they may be wrong.

On a journalistic integrity scale of 'The Star' to 'The Guardian' I
give this a 'Sun'; worth a giggle, not worth taking too seriously.

Self-inflicted irony

2006-01-20T17:00:00.000Z

I recently continued by support of the Make Poverty History campaign by send an e-mail via their website to the Treasury.

Shortly afterwards I received an e-mail from the Debt Relief team at the Treasury. Imagine my indigation at receiving a stock text mass answer reply.

Imagine my amusement as I realise the irony of my indignation.

I must applaud the Treasury though. Of the dozen or so e-mails and letters that I have sent via Make Poverty History and similar organisations, I have received replies to only two; this one and one to my MP, Hugh Bayley, about AIDS.

Book Meme

2006-01-20T16:49:00.000Z

Top 50 books on whatshouldireadnext.com. Bold the ones you’ve read, italicize the ones you haven’t but plan to, and markthe ones you definitely won’t read in red.

The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
The Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Salinger
The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy - Douglas Adams
The Great Gatsby - F.Scott Fitzgerald
To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
All the Harry Potters - J.K. Rowling
Life of Pi - Yann Martel
Animal Farm: A Fairy Story - George Orwell
Catch-22 - Joseph Heller
The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time
Lord of the Flies - William Golding
Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
1984 - George Orwell
One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
Slaughterhouse 5 - Kurt Vonnegut
Angels and Demons - Dan Brown
Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk
Neuromancer - William Gibson
Cryptonomicon - Neal Stephenson
The Secret History - Donna Tartt
A Clockwork Orange - Anthony Burgess
Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
American Gods - Neil Gaiman
Ender’s Game - Orson Scott Card
Snow Crash - Neal Stephenson
A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving
The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe - C.S. Lewis
Middlesex - Jeffrey Eugenides
Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
Good Omens - Terry Pratchett, Neil Gaiman
Atonement - Ian McEwan
The Shadow Of The Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
The Old Man and the Sea - Ernest Hemingway
The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
Dune - Frank Herbert

Snippets

2006-01-17T13:05:00.000Z

Here are a few snippets that I kept from the Guardian for some reason
(probably to turn into a blog post). Enjoy and consider:

"Globalisation doest not apply to the service sector, where 20
million people work. It is a term used to disguise the hard truth
that GDP growth is irrelevant to those who don't share in it. GDP
per capita is a meaningless statistic that pretends all wealth is
equally shared. Class-blind economics conveniently celebrates growth
even when it enriches the well-off at the expense of the low paid."

"I think the idea [a national curriculum for under-fives] is
ridiculous. I would wipe my child's bottom with any official
national curriculum for pre-school children that came through my
door!

For the under-fives, the main responsibility lies with the parents,
the most important people in the child's life. Here is what should
really be on their curriculum:

Talking to them from birth, all time, and taking their dummies out so
they can talk back. Giving them a routine and sense of discipline.
Not being afraid to say no; somebody has to be in charge and it has
to be the adult, children can't cope with being in control even if
they like to push against the boundaries. Feeding them good food
when they're hungry, but not panicking if they miss a meal and not
making mealtimes into a battle. Acknowledging that they get fearful.
Teaching them politeness. Letting them fail and realise that
getting it wrong sometimes is not a disaster. Giving them
responsibility, but not beyond their years. Letting them get used to
their own company and liking themselves. Giving as much love as you
can, because you never spoil them by loving them. Going with your
instincts and not being hidebound by what other people say."

Odd Hits

2006-01-06T14:03:00.000Z

There is something odd going on. I am getting vast numbers of hits
from search engine queries on 'rudolph randolph adolph'. By vast, I
mean relatively speaking, we are still talking under double figures
each day.

This blog archive (May 2005) is the culprit:

May 2005

If you remember, I had three little bulbs that was I attempting to
grow in my office. I named them after the three twisting single
front somersault moves. They never grew. There is probably no
connection.

I suspect there is some sort of quiz or competition asking people to
find out what they are. If you are such a person, please let me
know.

Oh well, I least I rank highly on google for some obscure things.

Two thoughts

2006-01-04T17:20:00.000Z

I m back from the Christmas break and back in the office.

Two little thoughts to get you thinking (and commenting):

The word invalid, used to describe people who through sickness or
disability may not be able to walk or suffer weakness or such things.
Look at that word.

IN - VALID.

I am not usually one for political correctness, but on reflection
that is one word I am glad to see falling out of common usage.

Is alcoholism, binge drinking and smoking a form of self-harm?

Answers on a postcard please.

Denomination

2005-12-20T12:54:00.000Z

I haven't posted for a while, and haven't done too much work on the
promised articles, so here is something to keep you all amused for a
little while.

Every so often I check which Christian denomination I belong to. A
few months ago, my top five results were:

1: Church of Christ/Campbellite (100%)
2: Methodist/Wesleyan/Nazarene (90%)
3: Anabaptist (Mennonite/Quaker etc.) (86%)
4: Baptist (Reformed/Particular/Calvinistic) (81%)
5: Baptist (non-Calvinistic)/Plymouth Brethren/Fundamentalist (76%)

From http://selectsmart.com/plus/select.php?url=denomtradition

Or:

1. Mainline - Liberal Christian Protestants (100%)
2. Liberal Quakers (99%)
3. Unitarian Universalism (89%)
4. Orthodox Quaker (75%)
5. Seventh Day Adventist (50%)

From a website that I cannot find again.

Today I was:

1: Pentecostal/Charismatic/Assemblies of God (100%)
2: Methodist/Wesleyan/Nazarene (98%)
3: Anabaptist (Mennonite/Quaker etc.) (91%)
4: Church of Christ/Campbellite (86%)
5: Seventh-Day Adventist (72%)

From the same place as the first one.

Or:

1: Seventh-Day Adventist
2: Episcopal/Anglican Church
3: Evangelical Lutheran Church
4: Liberal Quakerism
5: Mennonite Brethren

From
http://www.selectsmart.com/FREE/select.php?client=christiandenom

It means very little of course, what is in my heart is what counts,
but it amuses me and is vaguely interesting to see how I am changing.

Selective admissions

2005-12-08T16:29:00.000Z

With the publishing of the new education white paper, school
admissions policies, and in particular selection, are once again high
on the agenda. In response to this general debate and in particular
in response to a number of comments made after this entry in Boris
Johnson's blog, I have decided to set out why I am opposed to
selection in school admissions. As this is a response piece, it will
be largely negative, i.e. I will respond to attacks on non-selective
entry. I will put together a piece that looks at it from the other
angle as well.

Firstly, the great sweeping claim of pro-selection: 'comprehensive
schooling fails children as it treats them as all the same.' The
corollaries of this being that comprehensive schools force every
pupil to learn the same things at the same pace and that
comprehensive schools are incapable of providing specialist support
to those that need it.

Well, comprehensive education does treat every child the same in that
it allows each and every one of them the same opportunities.
Comprehensive education does not achieve this by forcing everybody to
do the same things.

The word comprehensive means "complete and including all that is
necessary". In other words, comprehensive education is not designed
to give everybody exactly the same education, that would be
'identical education', but it is designed to ensure that all pupils
are given the necessary education that they need and then the
opportunities on top of that to take things further if they wish and
in the directions that they wish.

By the same definition it is implicit that if some pupils need
specialist support, they must receive it in order to reach that
complete and necessary education to the best of their ability.

So, that is a defence of comprehensive education from one of the
classic attacks.

Time for an attack on one of the suggested advantages of selection.

So, the claim: "selective education provides focussed environments
for academically minded pupils to peruse academic subjects,
vocational courses for the technically skilled and so on."

Well, so does a comprehensive system, but avoiding three pitfalls:

1. It doesn't neglect one type of education at the expense of
another and thus avoids creating narrow people who may lack certain
skills from other skill sets.
2. It keeps everybody's options open for as long as possible, should
they find they are doing the wrong thing or they want to change their
course.
3. It doesn't create a great social divide between book people and
skill people which is turned into a chasm by the fact that they never
mixed socially at school.

In fact, it has been suggested that selective and fee paying
education is a good thing precisely because it does separate people
from one background from another. I cannot think of a better way to
destroy social mobility, create ghettoes of the haves and have nots
and increase class hatred.

So, to sum up, this is why I am opposed to selection:

It creates and increases social divides between different groups of
society.
It fails children by reducing their opportunity to meets different
types of people who are not from their own background and thus
reinforces social gaps, reduces understanding of differences in the
world and reduces educational opportunity.

These are the reasons I support comprehensive education:

It provides a standard from which everyone can head off in their
desired direction.
It provides equality of opportunity for all.

This is by no means complete, either in supporting my concluding
claims, defending comprehensive education or attacking selection. In
fact, I can see a couple of problems with my own arguments. I shall
return to the subject at a later date and hopefully put together a
more comprehensive case. All comments and suggestions welcome.

While this was a general piece, it was based on two comments in
particular from the article I link to above. One statement in
particular caused me some confusion. Unfortunately, the comment has
not provided contact details for me to clarify this point.

To quote:

"Its not that surprising that parents are with schools and although
left wing parents hold certain views, they are essentially views that
make them feel good about themselves. They don't actually live by
their values. It wouldn't be human."

I would like to check whether this means that it is inhuman to live
by your values or whether it is inhuman to have those particular
values in the first place. I suspect the latter, but the wording is
ambiguous. I would contend either answer, but I shall save that as well.

Updated article

2005-12-07T14:31:00.000Z

I have rewritten the post I made earlier concerning the funding of
nursing and teaching students. Hopefully it is now a bit more lucid
and a bit more accurate. You can find if here:

http://www-users.york.ac.uk/~rb502/comment/nurses_teachers.shtml

Please feel free to add comments to this post in response to the
article.

Addendum: I seem to very frequently type more as moe. How odd and irritating.

Teachers and Nurses

2005-12-06T17:22:00.000Z

Teachers and nurses. Both, would you not say, a vital part of the
smooth running of this country? I certainly would. And the
government and ministries certainly think so, if you pay any
attention to the recruitment strategies aimed at both sectors. But
not, maybe, in practise.

Let us go through some of the inequities of the funding systems.

PGCE students will get a training salary of either £6,000 or £9,000.
Nursing students will get a maximum of £5,500 bursary (single, no
children) with some getting as low as £1,000.

PGCE students, as postgraduates, are entitled to a further student
loan.
Students on postgraduate nursing courses are not entitled to students
loans. Only some students on undergraduate nursing courses are
entitled to student loans (unlike all other types of undergraduates).

PGCE students get their existing student loans paid off.
Postgraduate nurses with existing student loans do not get them paid
off.

PGCE students in shortage subjects have a healthy, relaxed hardship
fund system to support them.
Nursing students (and some PGCE students) have only a restrictive
fund that in the case of postgraduates takes no account of reality.

Of course we then come to the body that funds the nurses, the NHS
Student Grants Unit. Good, honest people who are completely under
resourced and completely incapable of assessing students for support
before their courses start, or even within three months of their
courses starting in many cases, and incapable of assessing
applications fully or correctly.

Why are nursing students so badly treated compared to their
compatriots in teaching? The PGCE system seems reasonable, so why
can't the nurses be treated in a similar fashion?

Apology and test

2005-12-02T13:45:00.000Z

Hello, this is a quick note to say that I have noticed that the
permissions aren't being set correctly on the archived posts and a
test to see if they work now.

Charitable giving

2005-12-02T13:20:00.000Z

First of all, if you read my blog, please leave a comment or e-mail
me to let me know. Pretty please. With sugar on top.

Just to get you started, here is a rather extreme posting.

Secondly, a response to this feedback column from the Guardian:

http://money.guardian.co.uk/personal/story/0,13970,1655451,00.html

Is giving charitable gifts at Christmas selfish?

Well, oddly enough, I say no.

It seems to me that the desire to call charity selfish and the
suggestion that someone may be offending by receiving a charitable
gift is nothing more than an indication of how deep into the
self-obsessed consumerist mire we have sunk.

If someone is ungrateful and selfish enough (i.e. feeling put out
that they haven't received something for themselves) to be resentful
at not being given a tub of cookies then you have to ask yourself,
why am I buying something for them at all? Are they really going to
be happy at getting bath soaps? Isn't rather hypocritical of me to
buy them a thoughtless, predictable gift? Isn't it just a waste when
they don't care and I don't really care either?

Gifts should be an indication of how much we care about somebody and
should reflect our desire to see those people happy. Grabbing three
tins of chocolates in Sainsbury's doesn't seem a particularly good
way of showing this.

Here would be my ordered preferences for gift buying:

A personal, seriously considered gift (which may include a charitable
gift).
A charitable gift for someone that would appreciate the significance
(if you really can't think of something else).
Nothing at all.
A charitable gift for someone who couldn't care less.
The usual, ill though out, reaction present because you feel you
should do.

Amongst the comments in the article was the suggestion that giving
charitable gifts was merely a way to assuage guilt at not doing
enough for charity. This begs the question of whether normal
charitable giving is also guilt reduction. I would probably say yes
to that (which we can come to another day), but my point is really
that it all seems a handy excuse for people to refuse to give to
Charity, or in other words further exhibit their own selfish Mammon
worshipping tendencies.

A large proportion of gift buying charitable or otherwise, be it
Christmas or birthday seems to be nothing more than a way to reduce
guilt at not being a good enough friend anyway combined with the
marketed pressure that it is Christmas, I have to buy everybody lots
of things otherwise I will look poor.

So, to sum up. Think about what you are doing and be honest about it.

Jealousy Test

2005-11-23T17:14:00.000Z

A bit weird this one, bear with me and don't claim that I never told
you about how odd some of my thought processes are.

So, have you ever wondered if you really do love that person? Do you
think it may just be a passing fancy? Carry out this thought
experiment to see just how much you enthralled.

Imagine that the object of your desire has just walked into the room
hanging off of the arm of another. Or for the ultimate test, imagine
that you have just been invited to their wedding. Really think about
it and try and convince yourself that it actually happened. How are
you feeling right now on a scale of one to ten?

1. Wahoo, a wedding to go to and a chance to snog the
bridesmaids/best man.
2. Hm, how vexing, maybe I won't bother to buy new shoes for the big
day.
3. Grr, turn up looking scruffy and scowling at the back, biting
peoples' heads off.
4. Weep uncontrollably and plot far fetched plans of revenge.
5. Congratulate your usurper and warn them to look after your loved
one.
6. Trip your victorious opponent up as they walk down the aisle.
7. Send the lads around the night before the wedding to apply some
makeup.
8. Accidentally cut the brake cables of the wedding car before it
drives off into the sunset.
9. Turn up at the wedding with chainsaw in one hand and flaming
brand in the other.
10. Dust off the nuclear missile you keep in the loft.

Getting better

2005-11-22T13:23:00.000Z

I have conceived (another) plan in my eternal quest to pull my socks
up. I shall concentrate on doing small things regularly and
hopefully this will improve my chances of being able to tackle big
things further down the line. So, each will I shall attempt to:

i. Do some work on my website.
ii. Upload at least six photos onto Flickr.
iii. Write at least one letter or piece of comment or article.

So far this week I have done i (reactivated comments on my blog and
started adding stat collection) and ii (from the NASMA conference).
Ideas for iii welcome.

School stabbings

2005-11-16T13:39:00.000Z

For those of you in Britain (which, if I count the number of readers
of this blog amounts to all three of you), you may have recently
heard in the news of a spate of stabbings and attacks in schools.

This article about one of the recent ones caught my eye:
http://education.guardian.co.uk/pupilbehaviour/story/0,16806,1642728,00.html

From the article: "[the victim's] mother... is worried that her
daughter will have to face her attacker. "I don't want Danielle to
miss lessons but the girl should be off for longer," she said.
"Otherwise it is telling the child if you beat someone up you can
have a week off school. She's back there now like she's done nothing
at all."

It struck me how obvious that statement was. In a lot of cases of
severe disciplinary problems you have children who are disaffected
with school. So you punish them by telling them to stay at home for
a week.

Now I am not saying that suspensions and exclusions encourage bad
behaviour from children who don't want to be there, but it hardly
seems a particularly disincentive to misbehave does it?

Further to that, I don't think that it is entirely productive to deal
with misbehaving pupils by isolating them from the school
environment. I think the aim should be less punitive and more
reforming and it seems better to me to be doing that in a school or
school-like environment. Another article in the Guardian highlighted
the work of some special units for disruptive children which had
great benefits for all. But surprise surprise they are drastically
underfunded and anyway, who can be bothered to go to that effort when
it is so much easier to sign a piece of paper and kick the kid off
school property for week.

First Count

2005-11-02T11:56:00.000Z

I have now typed up my first writings (still no network at work) and
they come to a grand 1,159. I shall stick the mon t'internet when
the network is back.

It has begun

2005-11-02T11:16:00.000Z

NaNo has begun. I think I wrote around a thousand words yesterday,
which is a start. I don't know for sure as I have typed none of them
up. So nothing for you all to read yet. Not that you are missing
much.

Most of the computer systems at work are dead at the moment, so not
much is going on. I may resort to writing in paid time soon.

Speeding

2005-10-28T16:38:00.000+01:00

My route to Sainsbury's takes me past a big Halfords type place. On
the wall next to the pavement are adverts. Recently, they have been
advertising these devices that detect and tell you about speed
cameras. Now, each time I walk past this tends to rile me a little
as I think such devices are dangerous, stupid and encourage people to
drive irresponsibly (s if most people need any encouraging).

As I randomly browsed the LSN forums (I just can't keep away), I
noticed a discussion about speeding and Vasco made a very interesting
point:

"So these detectors are actually accident black-spot detectors and
maybe they should be mandatory?"

Which sort of makes sense. I replied with:

"Only if they flash up stats showing accident, injury and fatality
counts. Then maybe, just maybe, people may get it into their heads
that speed limits are there for a reason."

Yet again it is another example in favour of my continuing campaign
to get people to take responsibility for things. You speed, you have
an accident it is your fault, you killed somebody. Don't speed, less
likely to happen.

NaNo Forums

2005-10-26T13:21:00.000+01:00

It worries me that the first helpful post that I have made on the
NaNo Forums this year had this answer:

"I have always been a fan of rut and tup. They are both old words and
as they technically refer to livestock (pigs tup I believe), they
would probably be used as coarse slang. Ploughing is another one that
I have come across in fiction."

The question being:

"I've been looking everywhere, but haven't been able to find anything
on the sorts of words used for genitals/sex in the 13th-14th
centuries, in Britain."

Two weeks

2005-10-14T13:49:00.000+01:00

Two weeks to go. I have a detailed plan, things are in my head and I
am ready and waiting for November. I can and will do it this time.

Expect a few odd posts as I test my backup script.

The Ashes

2005-10-02T14:23:00.000+01:00

I appreciate that this is slightly late to be posted, but I did write
it quite soon after the end of the last test.

Also, apologies for the problems with recent posts being published.

***

The Ashes are over and a summer of excitement and sporting excellence
is drawing to a close. I know I said that I would cease from
commenting on cricket, but this I feel is a special occasion. I
shall indulge myself with a little comment on my favourite players.

Shane. What a man. At no point was Shane Warne not completely
dedicated to his cricket. He gave everything he had, physically,
bowling for vast stretches of time and mentally, plotting, planning
and never giving up. Only late on the last day of the last Test did
he finally seem to admit that it was all over. His struggles were
heroic and he very nearly single handedly won the series for the
Australians. And most importantly of all, he enjoyed every second of
it, even in the losing. Warne is my all time sporting hero and
always shall be.

Brett Lee was at times similarly committed. From the tear away,
uncontrolled bowler that he has been in the past he became
controlled, dangerous but no less aggressive and shined with the bat.
He too gave everything he had and was utterly distraught when
England won the second Test and the series. But he was a gracious
loser and a gracious winner in the third Test. Another true
sportsman.

Glenn McGrath is still the epitome of a pace bowler. With control
still better in modern times than any bar maybe Courtney Walsh, even
his sliding pace makes little difference. Here is a man to learn how
to bowl from. Once the English batsman had found their confidence
(i.e. after McGrath didn't play in the second test), his mental hold
slipped a little but he was still great. Things would have been much
different if he had been fit for the whole series.

Kev. Much lauded and dismissed before playing, Kevin Pietersen has
been wonderful. Form dipped mid series, but he was the only player
at Lords to deal with the collapse and his last day century was
perfectly timed and magnificently executed. I considered placing a
smaller bet on him making a century and really should have done. He
has a personality and skill and has great fun. Shame he can't catch
really.

Freddie Flintoff has been made a hero amongst a team of heroes and he
deserves it. He gave everything his body could give, running in with
the ball time and again, fielding superbly and making runs. He is a
gentlemen. He commiserated with Brett Lee at the end of the second
Test and congratulated him at the end of the third. Freddie is a
role model for those who want to know what sport is about. He is
modest, enjoys his trade, loves playing with his friends and just
wants to play cricket.

All of the players are to be applauded, they gave their best and did
it in a decent fashion, barring one or two slight incidents. I don't
care about the result, I care about the skill, commitment and
sportsmanship that I saw. Long live cricket.

Respect

2005-09-27T13:18:00.000+01:00

I keep hearing the opinion voiced (by great luminaries including my
Mother and John Humphrys) that respect and trust need to be earned.

I fundamentally disagree.

I think that all humans should be automatically respected, firstly
purely on the basis of being human beings (in a
responsibilities/rights sort of way) and as individuals in
themselves. Similarly, everybody should be inherently trusted.

Only when someone does something to suggest that they shouldn't be
trusted or respected should you reduce the amount of trust or respect
that you have for them.

Of course you cannot respect someone for a specific action that they
have done until you know about it, but at the same time you cannot
reduce your respect for someone until you know about some fault that
they have perpetrated. I do not think that the same comparisons are
applicable to trust, you can either trust someone absolutely or less
than absolutely and the default position should always be absolute
trust in my mind. I would also suggest that the respect due for some
person's actions should be considered of less worth than the respect
for their humanity and individuality.

Sayings

2005-09-24T16:45:00.000+01:00

In hell it is Christmas everyday.

If everybody met their responsibilities, there would be no need for rights.

Boanthropy

2005-08-31T16:57:00.000+01:00

Moooo!

Exercise One

2005-08-23T14:19:00.000+01:00

As a part of my preparation for NaNo, I am undertaking some writing
exercises. This was a five minute piece to develop my descriptive
skills. The idea came from andrea on the EveryTomorrow forum.

***

The water of the lake was dark and grey, mirroring the sky above it.
As the clouds churned and boiled, the surface of the lake was whipped
into little white caps by the strong wind. A Coot, her black
feathers and white flash blending into the choppy water rushed for
the shore, with her frightened chick trailing behind.

Trees bent over in the wind peered into the deep depths of water,
seeking a solace from the atmosphere that would end only in their
dissolution in the water's embrace. The lake held life for the
plants and animals the surrounded it, but it held the ultimate power
over them as well. Life bringer as life taker.

New toy

2005-08-20T15:59:00.000+01:00

Somebody reads my blog! Yay!

That same somebody, in a vile and rude alliance with Julian and Nick
Gollop (of X-COM and Lasersquad fame) forced me into buying a
Nintendo DS and Mr Driller. It is very small. But very fun.

Knightly - how apt

2005-08-16T09:51:00.000+01:00

A Knight Captain
You scored 11 Honor, 8 Justice, 2 Adventure, and 2 Individuality!

Some knights follow the orders given them. Some know when to improvise. The second sort are the ones that grow to power, to become leadeers and Knight Captains. Your sense of duty, honor and justice speaks that your name should be amongst their ranks. Get your squire, your banner, your armor and your sword. You're gonna do just fine.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 91% on Ninjinuity
You scored higher than 91% on Knightlyness
You scored higher than 0% on Cowboiosity
You scored higher than 3% on Piratical Bent

Link: The Cowboy-Ninja-Pirate-Knight Test written by fluffy71 on Ok Cupid

Cecil

2005-08-16T09:36:00.000+01:00

There was no plant that Cecil wouldn't' eat. Daffodils; crunch.
Lettuces; munch. Violets; lunch. From time to time, Cecil even went
into the nettle patch behind the shed for a tangy snack. He roamed
over his garden, feasting at will. The other snails, vociferous
eaters themselves, held Cecil in awe. Some of the youngsters would
eve go looking for the toughest, stringiest, most disgusting plant
matter they could find and challenge Cecil to eat it. Cecil always
triumphed.

One day, Cecil was feasting on some fresh cabbage. Without warning,
the sun disappeared into shadow. As swiftly as he knew how, Cecil
withdrew into his shell. But even Cecil's mighty
suction-stomach-foot was not enough to anchor him to the brassica as
the blackbird flapped up in to the air. Cecil quivered in fear,
waiting for the bird beak to rend his flesh away from the loving home
of his shell. But the bird was distracted and Cecil clattered and
bounced into a patch of plants.

The snail waited in his shell for a little while, just to be sure
that the bird had gone. All seemed to be fine. Cecil stuck his head
out and bumped into a plant. Mmm, lunch. The first bite didn't go
down too well; in fact it came back up again. Maybe the impromptu
flight had upset his stomach. Oh well, more food would sort that
out. But no, the second bite wouldn't stay down either. Could it
be? A plant that Cecil couldn't eat? What would he do?

The Story

2005-08-02T13:51:00.000+01:00

I was so excited about being at work all day yesterday that I forgot
to write this entry.

The story is going to be set in the north of Medieval England. I
haven't quite decided on an exact time yet, but it will be during the
peak of the Crusades.

The lead character, Owain (the only one with a name so far) is a
Lord. His parents are dead, his Father naturally, passing the title
on to Owain, and his Mother in childbirth when Owain was a youngster.
Owain has a younger brother who was a baby when their Mother died.

Owain is very devout, as was his Mother, and is training and
preparing to take the cross and go on to Crusade. His is a large,
strong man, a champion among knights. His brother will take control
of the land in Owain's absence. Owain is guided and driven by the
family priest, who has served for many years and was close to Owain's
Mother.

The story will start with Owain and the priest dealing with a young
local woman accused of witchcraft and the rise of a dark force in the
land (how very melodramatic).

I do have most of the plot worked out in my mind, but I shall save it
up. Next, I will introduce a few of the characters in more depth.

There will also be a dog.