Confusion

There are times when I miss my pre-medication days. My feelings were much more clear cut then; if I was angry-depressed, I knew it, if I was apathetic, I knew it (and didn't care).

At the moment, now I am on fluoxetine (which reminds me, must go and takes today's), everything is confusing. My mood is much more balanced and positive. I still have the occasional melancholic period, but I can't remember having an angry or dark mood since changing drugs. I don't tend to feel apathetic any more, but I still think it a great deal.

In one of my previous posts, I described a sense of blocking. Looking back at that post, my mood did seem to be low at the time, but it wasn't too bad. Over the last couple of days, that sense, and my thoughts have been very much against me. Yet my mood has been relatively good.

My mind is still running in the old grooves of self-criticism. I am not capable of doing my job, there is no point in my being there, I have no purpose or use. But my mood isn't there. I am certainly not at the top of my game, but I am not in the depths that I have suffered before. At the same time I know that all of feelings and emotions are there. I can feel them sitting and grinning at me.

This causes a great deal of confusion. My mind can't deal with doing things, going to work, trampolining, or whatever it is. I feel OK; not great, but OK. I can sense darker things there. Then the feedback starts up, I feel fine, so what do I think I am playing at? Guilt now adds into the self-deprecation cycle, but my mood stays reasonable.

Grr at my head.

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Footnote: For various reasons I went to a different pharmacy for my last prescription. Their fluoxetine is from a different manufacturer from my usual. The capsule coating tastes foul. Ugh.