Depressive cycle

After a couple of really good weeks, I have been on a depressive cycle again.  The Lovely Lady Duck has been a great support and she gives me much strength.  I have also been trying to think about what is happening to me as much as possible so that I can overcome my problems in the short term, and predict and fight future occurrences.

Work seems to be the major factor at the moment.  I read a blog named Crazy Nurse.  The author has also been having some problems with her mental health, and recently posted about the relation this has to her work.

Its odd that even when I think I don't care, I do care about my job. I think I gain self worth from my job.

The last few days, I have been feeling exactly the opposite.  I have been feeling no emotional attachment to my job, I care very little that i haven't been going in.  I love my job, I enjoy the work, and the principle of the role is exactly what I seek; yet my desire to do anything has dribbled away.

I have a number of ideas about why this is:

• At present, we are having a very quiet period.  Not very much is happening, and most of my tasks involve working on long term projects that have no definite goal or sense of urgency.
• In general, the role doesn't tax me much.  I enjoy the administration tasks, and take pleasure in completing them, but sometimes I have to make things difficult for myself to gain any real satisfaction.
• I feel quite strongly (at the moment) that the rest of the team could do very well without me.  During these quiet times I don't think that my absence would be noticed from a work perspective.
• I still really don't like having to talk to people on the phone.  As one of the major parts of my job is acting as first point of contact for the Unit, this causes problems, which I then go on to feel increasingly guilty about.

To reiterate, I do love my job.  When I am feeling well, I enjoy doing it, and helping people in a concrete fashion is a wonderful thing.  I am worried that it is increasingly triggering some episodes of my depression though.

Something else that Crazy Nurse said also rang true for me:

Plus hospital is kind of an escape, a time out where I can lie around and I am not expected to do anything and by the time I am discharged whatever it was that was stressing me out always seems lessened.

Being ill has often felt like an escape for me.  In the past, where a down period has been triggered by worry about a particular issue that I feel that I can't face, I hide.  These last few days have been different.  As stated above, I have been disconnected from my job.  A part of my reaction has been, why should I go to work when there is so little that I can achieve?  In reality, this has led to me moping and sleeping a great deal, and feeling very guilty about not being in work because I do know that there is plenty that I could and should do.

(Time to change to the second CD of the B Minor Mass, and close this post.  Follow up to come.)