In my last post I raised the issue of my indecisiveness. Although I was quite flippant about it, it can be a serious problem. In fact, there are times when it has triggered me working myself into a state.
I haven't given this any detailed thought, but have tried to think of some reasons why I may be so indecisive.
I don't want to make the wrong decision. I could mean in either a practical sense of wrong, i.e. going left instead of right and ending up in the wrong place, or in a moral sense.
I don't want to miss out on something.
I don't want to force someone else to do something when they would rather be doing the alternative.
I don't want to do something when I would rather be doing the alternative.
As a corollary to that, I don't know which choice I would prefer.
I am genuinely torn between the options, either because they are equally attractive or I am unable to compare the benefits.
I don't want to make a commitment.
For some reason I don't wish to admit that my preference is my preference.
I over estimate the importance of the consequences of making a decision.
I am a perfectionist.
31 March 2009
30 March 2009
Monkey Urine
I find the generic churn 'em out American film comedians like Adam Sandler and Ben Stiller quite annoying, and usually not that funny. On Saturday evening the Lovely Lady Duck and I were both feeling fairly stressed by various things and decided to watch A Night at the Museum, a Ben Stiller film.
Sidetrack: I say we decided to watch that. Usually it works something like this:
Shall we watch a film?
Could do.
What shall we watch?
Don't know, what do you want to watch?
Don't know, any ideas.
Don't know.
...
We then each pull out a random selection of DVDs that we might vaguely quite like to watch possibly and take turns putting them back until we end up with one. In fact, on Saturday, we managed to reduce the options to four films before we had to resort to tossing coins.
Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, Ben Stiller. I actually mildly enjoyed the film; it was quite easy to watch and didn't require more braincells than are needed to say "ooo, look at the funny dinosaur", it was blessed with Dick Van Dyke and Robin Williams, and had a scene where Ben Stiller was urinated on by a monkey. It certainly wasn't Young Frankenstein or Dr. Strangelove, but it passed the time in a relaxed fashion.
The point of this? There was a rather large fly in the otherwise soothing ointment:
aethelreadtheunread: Ricky Gervais = arsehole
Sidetrack: I say we decided to watch that. Usually it works something like this:
Shall we watch a film?
Could do.
What shall we watch?
Don't know, what do you want to watch?
Don't know, any ideas.
Don't know.
...
We then each pull out a random selection of DVDs that we might vaguely quite like to watch possibly and take turns putting them back until we end up with one. In fact, on Saturday, we managed to reduce the options to four films before we had to resort to tossing coins.
Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, Ben Stiller. I actually mildly enjoyed the film; it was quite easy to watch and didn't require more braincells than are needed to say "ooo, look at the funny dinosaur", it was blessed with Dick Van Dyke and Robin Williams, and had a scene where Ben Stiller was urinated on by a monkey. It certainly wasn't Young Frankenstein or Dr. Strangelove, but it passed the time in a relaxed fashion.
The point of this? There was a rather large fly in the otherwise soothing ointment:
aethelreadtheunread: Ricky Gervais = arsehole
28 March 2009
Workplace isolation
In a post yesterday, Fighting Monsters made a comment about how differences in the workplace can sometimes make one feel.
The reason I get paid most is solely because I get additional increments for the AMHP work. I’m also one of the younger members of the team. These two combined factors don’t always make me the most popular of people. It can feel very isolating at times.
It made me think about my own situation. I am not for a moment drawing a comparison between myself and Fighting Monsters' situation, but I have similar feelings at times.
There are about twenty people in our office building. Of these, three of us are male, and one of those is the senior manager in the block who spends as much time out as in (he is a very nice bloke though, and a great manager). Also, I am the youngest person in the building, and I am reasonably sure that there are only two others within five years of me. Obviously with most of my colleagues being ladies, it wouldn't do to ask.
For those two reasons there are times that I can feel very socially isolated, and to a lesser degree, professionally so. I am not for a moment suggesting that anyone deliberately says or behaves in a fashion to make me feel so. Almost everyone is very nice and friendly. In particular my two immediate colleagues have always been very supportive and are friends. It is quite natural though that women in their forties and fifties will tend to have less connection with a young man like me.
The problem is compounded by social life away from work being very limited. My two or three closest friends I may see once a week at most. I see a lot more of my Guildmates in WoW.
Oh well, there is not much that I can do apart from grin and bear it, I have little control over the situation.
The reason I get paid most is solely because I get additional increments for the AMHP work. I’m also one of the younger members of the team. These two combined factors don’t always make me the most popular of people. It can feel very isolating at times.
It made me think about my own situation. I am not for a moment drawing a comparison between myself and Fighting Monsters' situation, but I have similar feelings at times.
There are about twenty people in our office building. Of these, three of us are male, and one of those is the senior manager in the block who spends as much time out as in (he is a very nice bloke though, and a great manager). Also, I am the youngest person in the building, and I am reasonably sure that there are only two others within five years of me. Obviously with most of my colleagues being ladies, it wouldn't do to ask.
For those two reasons there are times that I can feel very socially isolated, and to a lesser degree, professionally so. I am not for a moment suggesting that anyone deliberately says or behaves in a fashion to make me feel so. Almost everyone is very nice and friendly. In particular my two immediate colleagues have always been very supportive and are friends. It is quite natural though that women in their forties and fifties will tend to have less connection with a young man like me.
The problem is compounded by social life away from work being very limited. My two or three closest friends I may see once a week at most. I see a lot more of my Guildmates in WoW.
Oh well, there is not much that I can do apart from grin and bear it, I have little control over the situation.
27 March 2009
A whole week
If I get through today, this will only be the second full five day week that I have worked since January. I am determined that I will be at work all day (note that I very carefully didn't say 'I will do a full days work'), despite feeling very on edge and jumpy and weird. Of the ten weeks that I haven't worked five days, four were because of taking holiday; but six were because of a day or days sick leave.
Overall, I am relatively happy with my progress at being in work. I haven't had more than two consecutive sick days since I was off for six weeks last July and August. I went for six weeks after the wedding without a day off. Since the end of October though, I have been having the odd one or two days here and there, averaging about a day a week.
I find this really frustrating. Part of the logical side of me knows that feeling that way has a further negative effect on how I am feeling otherwise, and that part also recognises how much better I have been over the last six months than any time in the last three years. But I still remember the six months I did in my second job after graduating without even blinking, and the first nine months or a year in this job which were fine. And then I think about how much I let people down and incapable of doing my job (or anything) I feel at times.
The unpredictability, the on and off and rapid swings and constant doubt about how I will tomorrow or in six hours wears me down. I am fighting though, and I think I am making progress even if I don't feel it all of the time. I hope that I won't get overwhelmed and break down again like I did last summer and spring, and the year before that.
Overall, I am relatively happy with my progress at being in work. I haven't had more than two consecutive sick days since I was off for six weeks last July and August. I went for six weeks after the wedding without a day off. Since the end of October though, I have been having the odd one or two days here and there, averaging about a day a week.
I find this really frustrating. Part of the logical side of me knows that feeling that way has a further negative effect on how I am feeling otherwise, and that part also recognises how much better I have been over the last six months than any time in the last three years. But I still remember the six months I did in my second job after graduating without even blinking, and the first nine months or a year in this job which were fine. And then I think about how much I let people down and incapable of doing my job (or anything) I feel at times.
The unpredictability, the on and off and rapid swings and constant doubt about how I will tomorrow or in six hours wears me down. I am fighting though, and I think I am making progress even if I don't feel it all of the time. I hope that I won't get overwhelmed and break down again like I did last summer and spring, and the year before that.
24 March 2009
Wow, what a geek
There is a large part of my life that I have only hinted at in previous posts. In actuality, I thought I had posted about it in previous years, but having browsed my archives it appears that I didn't. At any, I have a problem, I play World of Warcraft (WoW). It is actually worse than that; the Lovely Lady Duck plays as well, and I am the one who introduced her to the game. I have geekiness and I infected my wife.
For those who are only vaguely aware of WoW, it is a Massively Multi-player On-line Role-playing Game (MMORPG). To dissect the jargon, a large number of people play the game on a central sever, interacting with other each as well as computer controlled entities, taking on the roles of characters in the world.
In particular WoW is a fairly normal high fantasy setting, although one with a great deal of depth and development in the background and history. Blizzard, who created and run the game, claim more than 11 million active accounts, although you never interact with that many people; there are multiple servers each with (this is a guess) around ten thousand active players.
Anyway, why did I decide to start talking about this now? There are I think three motivating factors:
1. WoW is such a large part of my life. In blunt terms of time, I typically spend fifteen to twenty hours each week playing, which is a substantial proportion of my free time. WoW has had substantial effects on my mood and mental state over the two years or so that I have been playing; both positive and negative. This influence is something that interests me, much as the influence of music does.
2. I want to write a few things about WoW itself. I don't want to become a full time WoW blogger, but that are a few things that I want to throw into the mix.
3. I have always enjoyed writing bits of fiction. Some of this has been fan-fiction set in gaming universes (X-COM and Laser Squad Nemesis before WoW). If I were to put a little of my writing up here, it would seem odd to include WoW fiction without first setting my WoW background up.
For those who are only vaguely aware of WoW, it is a Massively Multi-player On-line Role-playing Game (MMORPG). To dissect the jargon, a large number of people play the game on a central sever, interacting with other each as well as computer controlled entities, taking on the roles of characters in the world.
In particular WoW is a fairly normal high fantasy setting, although one with a great deal of depth and development in the background and history. Blizzard, who created and run the game, claim more than 11 million active accounts, although you never interact with that many people; there are multiple servers each with (this is a guess) around ten thousand active players.
Anyway, why did I decide to start talking about this now? There are I think three motivating factors:
1. WoW is such a large part of my life. In blunt terms of time, I typically spend fifteen to twenty hours each week playing, which is a substantial proportion of my free time. WoW has had substantial effects on my mood and mental state over the two years or so that I have been playing; both positive and negative. This influence is something that interests me, much as the influence of music does.
2. I want to write a few things about WoW itself. I don't want to become a full time WoW blogger, but that are a few things that I want to throw into the mix.
3. I have always enjoyed writing bits of fiction. Some of this has been fan-fiction set in gaming universes (X-COM and Laser Squad Nemesis before WoW). If I were to put a little of my writing up here, it would seem odd to include WoW fiction without first setting my WoW background up.
Eyebrows
In each eyebrow I have a single hair that grows very long, and at a greater rate than normal eyebrow hair. Both are normal eyebrow brown at the ends, but silver in toward the roots.
I have spent the last minute or so of exceedingly fun time at my desk plucking them out with my fingers. For I am man, me fear no eyebrow plucking pain.
I have spent the last minute or so of exceedingly fun time at my desk plucking them out with my fingers. For I am man, me fear no eyebrow plucking pain.
22 March 2009
Enlgand are World Champions!
Congratulations to the team for an excellent performance in the final and all through the Championship.
Not my usual sort of thing, but I felt it deserved some converage; it isn't as though it will get any anywhere else.
Not my usual sort of thing, but I felt it deserved some converage; it isn't as though it will get any anywhere else.
20 March 2009
Memory failure
Many of the bloggers who write about mental health issues are capable of producing lucid and detailed accounts of the thought processes and emotions that they have both in day to day life and when they are subject to the intense or dark periods of their illness. I would imagine for the majority of them that this certainly isn't something that is easy to do, both in terms of expressing themselves and going back over the periods in question.
It seems sensible to me that being able to consider my dark thought processes whilst I am calm could be productive. I have at times written notes and attempted to transcribe my thoughts during my bad episodes, but rarely are they coherent. A far bigger issue for me is that I frequently can't remember in anything but the vaguest detail what I was thinking or feeling.
On Wednesday I broke down at work and wept and wept. I managed to phone my wife and she came into work, spoke to my manager and took me home (I love her, she is wonderful). I can remember very little of what I was thinking and feeling leading up to and during this time. I know it was at least partly related to a sense of failing to do my job, and maybe other aspects of my life, but any details escapes. One thing I do remember is thinking about trying to remember things so that I could write a blog post about it. Clearly I failed.
My inability to remain coherent when I am upset, and to remember anything of use when I calm down is problematic not only when I try to think about things myself, but also when it comes to discussing issues with other people; in particular my wife or manager or doctor.
It is really quite irritating.
It seems sensible to me that being able to consider my dark thought processes whilst I am calm could be productive. I have at times written notes and attempted to transcribe my thoughts during my bad episodes, but rarely are they coherent. A far bigger issue for me is that I frequently can't remember in anything but the vaguest detail what I was thinking or feeling.
On Wednesday I broke down at work and wept and wept. I managed to phone my wife and she came into work, spoke to my manager and took me home (I love her, she is wonderful). I can remember very little of what I was thinking and feeling leading up to and during this time. I know it was at least partly related to a sense of failing to do my job, and maybe other aspects of my life, but any details escapes. One thing I do remember is thinking about trying to remember things so that I could write a blog post about it. Clearly I failed.
My inability to remain coherent when I am upset, and to remember anything of use when I calm down is problematic not only when I try to think about things myself, but also when it comes to discussing issues with other people; in particular my wife or manager or doctor.
It is really quite irritating.
16 March 2009
First steps
Almost precisely ten years after I became legally allowed to do so, I have made my first enquiries about learning to drive.
Ugh.
Ugh.
04 March 2009
Music and mood
Music can often affect my short term mood to what seems a disproportionate level. I have been thinking about why this may be, in particular trying to consider the pieces of music that more frequently cause a change in my emotions.
1. Music with a specific association to a past event.
This is quite obvious; many things can cause associations to memories, events, other people, and so on. Examples: Clutching at Straws (Marillion) with a very depressed evening when I was 17 or 18; Wonderful Tonight (Eric Clapton) with seeing E.C. live and being the first dance at our wedding.
2. Music which I relate to.
Feeling a strong connection with something because of perceived personal similarities is of a nature with association with memories. For example, the strong themes of mental turbulence and illness in the music of Dream Theater (I know, they are Americans, they can't help it).
3. Familiarity
Knowing anything in great depth or over many years can imbue it with a value of its own. There are some albums that I can obsess over for a period of time, and which subsequently I come to know with great familiarity. That this can then lead to an emotional response of listening to them again isn't hard to see. Examples: take your pick.
4. Music (lyrics) with an emotive theme.
I am susceptible to emotional content in all forms of media. I can easily shed a tear or become otherwise deeply involved in a film, book, or music. Examples: Snow (Spock's Beard) both the darker parts and the joyous and triumphant sections; Bright Eyes (Art Garfunkel).
5. Lower level effects
There appears to be a more subconscious level at which some music can affect people; most often this is referred to when speaking of dance/electronic music, usually in terms of high tempo music with a strong beat. I would also extend this to include pieces that include strong crescendos, in certain major keys, and so on. Examples: The Prodigy; The Ode To Joy (Beethoven).
6. Virtuoso performances or compositions
This is one aspect that interests me as it seems more unusual to me. I can often become overwhelmed, usually exemplified by complete focus and tearfulness, by a particularly skilful or complex segment of a piece. Most frequently, because of the type of music I listen to and the nature of composition and arrangement, this is a guitar or keyboard solo of some sort, but can be anything (even percussion - my Father would be disturbed if he knew). Examples: Rick Wakeman twiddling away; Bach.
7. Appositeness
I wasn't sure what word I could use for this, so I shall describe what I mean. Sometimes, you are listening to a song or piece of music and a part of it, maybe a line of lyrics, maybe a instrumental solo, maybe the sum of the whole seems so completely right and perfect. It doesn't need to be particularly complex or clever, but it feels as if nothing else could work. Dave Gilmour seems to have the knack of this for me; he isn't the pinnacle of a great technical guitarist (although he is very good), but sometimes he just played the right notes in the right place and it was perfect.
Of course, any given piece of music may trigger one, more, or all of these. Or I may be slightly weird and be over analysing a broken emotional response. Whatever it may be, music can flick my switches.
1. Music with a specific association to a past event.
This is quite obvious; many things can cause associations to memories, events, other people, and so on. Examples: Clutching at Straws (Marillion) with a very depressed evening when I was 17 or 18; Wonderful Tonight (Eric Clapton) with seeing E.C. live and being the first dance at our wedding.
2. Music which I relate to.
Feeling a strong connection with something because of perceived personal similarities is of a nature with association with memories. For example, the strong themes of mental turbulence and illness in the music of Dream Theater (I know, they are Americans, they can't help it).
3. Familiarity
Knowing anything in great depth or over many years can imbue it with a value of its own. There are some albums that I can obsess over for a period of time, and which subsequently I come to know with great familiarity. That this can then lead to an emotional response of listening to them again isn't hard to see. Examples: take your pick.
4. Music (lyrics) with an emotive theme.
I am susceptible to emotional content in all forms of media. I can easily shed a tear or become otherwise deeply involved in a film, book, or music. Examples: Snow (Spock's Beard) both the darker parts and the joyous and triumphant sections; Bright Eyes (Art Garfunkel).
5. Lower level effects
There appears to be a more subconscious level at which some music can affect people; most often this is referred to when speaking of dance/electronic music, usually in terms of high tempo music with a strong beat. I would also extend this to include pieces that include strong crescendos, in certain major keys, and so on. Examples: The Prodigy; The Ode To Joy (Beethoven).
6. Virtuoso performances or compositions
This is one aspect that interests me as it seems more unusual to me. I can often become overwhelmed, usually exemplified by complete focus and tearfulness, by a particularly skilful or complex segment of a piece. Most frequently, because of the type of music I listen to and the nature of composition and arrangement, this is a guitar or keyboard solo of some sort, but can be anything (even percussion - my Father would be disturbed if he knew). Examples: Rick Wakeman twiddling away; Bach.
7. Appositeness
I wasn't sure what word I could use for this, so I shall describe what I mean. Sometimes, you are listening to a song or piece of music and a part of it, maybe a line of lyrics, maybe a instrumental solo, maybe the sum of the whole seems so completely right and perfect. It doesn't need to be particularly complex or clever, but it feels as if nothing else could work. Dave Gilmour seems to have the knack of this for me; he isn't the pinnacle of a great technical guitarist (although he is very good), but sometimes he just played the right notes in the right place and it was perfect.
Of course, any given piece of music may trigger one, more, or all of these. Or I may be slightly weird and be over analysing a broken emotional response. Whatever it may be, music can flick my switches.
03 March 2009
Strange pleasures - numbers
I don't mean the crime drama with the genius mathematician and his FBI agent brother, although I do enjoy that a great deal as well.
Over here Aetherlread mentions being a 'weird, long-winded, stats-obsessed bastard'. All I can say is wahoo! I enjoy playing with numbers. This permeates many aspects of my life.
Watching cricket I will happily sit and digest the statistics, calculating averages and run rates and targets not because they have a great meaning in themselves, but because I love manipulating the numbers.
Part of my World of Warcraft addiction relates to the huge number of numbers that I can analyse, target, and develop.
If I am on a bus, or walking and I am bored out of mind I will play games with the numbers and letters on car registration plates. When I am frustrated or bored at work I will look over a piece of paper and sum the digits, hoping that they will total 10.
I greatly enjoyed my mathematics degree and A-levels, and one of my greatest regrets is that my mental state, general laziness, and incompetence during those periods stopped me from taking full advantage of the opportunities that I had. If had more time I would spend some of it taking up maths again, but I don't; there is so much to fill up my life, even if I were able to manage to do things and not be moping about everywhere. I hate wasting my life.
Over here Aetherlread mentions being a 'weird, long-winded, stats-obsessed bastard'. All I can say is wahoo! I enjoy playing with numbers. This permeates many aspects of my life.
Watching cricket I will happily sit and digest the statistics, calculating averages and run rates and targets not because they have a great meaning in themselves, but because I love manipulating the numbers.
Part of my World of Warcraft addiction relates to the huge number of numbers that I can analyse, target, and develop.
If I am on a bus, or walking and I am bored out of mind I will play games with the numbers and letters on car registration plates. When I am frustrated or bored at work I will look over a piece of paper and sum the digits, hoping that they will total 10.
I greatly enjoyed my mathematics degree and A-levels, and one of my greatest regrets is that my mental state, general laziness, and incompetence during those periods stopped me from taking full advantage of the opportunities that I had. If had more time I would spend some of it taking up maths again, but I don't; there is so much to fill up my life, even if I were able to manage to do things and not be moping about everywhere. I hate wasting my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
