A whole week

If I get through today, this will only be the second full five day week that I have worked since January. I am determined that I will be at work all day (note that I very carefully didn't say 'I will do a full days work'), despite feeling very on edge and jumpy and weird. Of the ten weeks that I haven't worked five days, four were because of taking holiday; but six were because of a day or days sick leave.

Overall, I am relatively happy with my progress at being in work. I haven't had more than two consecutive sick days since I was off for six weeks last July and August. I went for six weeks after the wedding without a day off. Since the end of October though, I have been having the odd one or two days here and there, averaging about a day a week.

I find this really frustrating. Part of the logical side of me knows that feeling that way has a further negative effect on how I am feeling otherwise, and that part also recognises how much better I have been over the last six months than any time in the last three years. But I still remember the six months I did in my second job after graduating without even blinking, and the first nine months or a year in this job which were fine. And then I think about how much I let people down and incapable of doing my job (or anything) I feel at times.

The unpredictability, the on and off and rapid swings and constant doubt about how I will tomorrow or in six hours wears me down. I am fighting though, and I think I am making progress even if I don't feel it all of the time. I hope that I won't get overwhelmed and break down again like I did last summer and spring, and the year before that.