A letter to the National Trust, bless their cotton socks:

***

Over the past year I have sent to you a number of letters requesting that you update my address. As of December 2007 I moved from A House, Somewhere to A Different House, Somewhere. Despite my letters, and despite having received a letter from yourselves stating that you had updated my details, I did not receive any correspondence from you at my Different House address. I only received my 2008/9 membership card and details thanks to the kindness of people at my previous address. The new membership was issued at the end of October 2008, you had written to me in July stating that my records had been updated.

As you will note from the letterhead, I have not only moved again, but also, following my marriage, changed my surname from Smith to Jones.

Given that in fifteen months and with multiple letters of reminder you have failed to update the address details from my previous move, I am torn between again asking you to update my details to make them current and simply cancelling my membership. I have never dealt with such inept administration from a major organisation. However, as I do support the work that you carry out, I would like to continue to be a member.

Please update my records to indicate my new address as shown above, and to change my surname as indicated. I have included a photocopy of my wedding certificate as evidence of this latter change. Given the previous issues, I expect to receive a letter to my current address confirming that these changes have been made. I appreciate that your mass mailings are pre-printed so I do not expect to receive anything else for a month or so after the change.

Yours sincerely,

Small steps

I have many difficulties in communicating with people; I struggle to use telephones, I find it hard to speak up in person with all but a handful of people that I feel comfortable with, in situations that a lot of people would think would be easier and of less importance (OK, I mean when playing World of Warcraft) I am still very anxious about letting myself be heard.

It has long been a belief in my mind that if I practice things that I find hard, including challenging communications, I will grow more used to them and ultimately more comfortable. This is something I think applies particularly to using the telephone. The practice makes perfect, or at least not scared, theory is something that other people have pushed me toward as well.

There are times when I really doubt that it is true, when I can see nothing beyond me always being a pathetic individual too scared to pick up a phone and too self-absorbed to ask for something or voice an opinion in even the most friendly and safe environment.

Today at work I have managed the unthinkable; I have made two phone calls within the space of about ten minutes; one to a Help desk of the company that manages the payment of one of our bursaries and one to a parent of a student who left a message on my voicemail.

Do I feel good to have overcome my anxiety and to have completed a basic part of my role? Do I feel satisfied that I have taken a step in the direction of a more rational view of things? Do I buggery. I am terrified that the phone is going to ring again. I am scared of having to send an e-mail to the student who prompted the first phone call. What I want to do now is go home, climb into bed, and curl up under the duvet.

For some time I have been meaning to ask one of my WoW guildmates if she is able to make one or two items that would help me in game. All I needed was a little bit of information, it would take her a few seconds and a handful of mouse clicks to help me. She is a nice person and always seems happy to help people. I didn't even need to do it in a public way, I could communicate entirely privately with her.

Finally last night I managed to do it after hours of avoidance. Even then I still felt guilty about taking up her time and frustrated with myself for making such a fuss (an internal fuss that is, no-one else knew). At best there was a sense of relief that I didn't need to worry about not doing asking any more.

Every step that should be taking me forwards seems to drag me down as much as those that are clear mistakes.

But where do all the calculators go?

As some light relief (which I need), here are some funny videos. Hohoho.

The Cat Came Back

When I were young, I remember a television programme on BBC One on a Sunday evening, hosted by Tony Robinson, showing cartoons; some well known, some popular, some more obscure. This was one that I have always remembered, and I was delighted to find it on the internet.

Harry Potter Puppet Pals

It gets in your head. About the only Harry Potter related product that I can stomach these days.

The Llama song

Old, not funny (trendy) any more, stupid. Fashion and popularity can lose themselves in a dark hole; I still like it. I am slightly odd though.

Flat

I haven't posted anything recently; there are two reasons for this I think. I haven't found that much worth writing about, or rather that I have wanted to write about. Also, I have been feeling fairly down recently. It isn't the deep and dark depression or the raging angry self-hatred. Everything seems flat and grey, nothing interests me and I can't feel any great emotion about anything. It rather stymies life.

So what has been happening to me recently?

• I managed to work two consecutive five day weeks without any sick leave; a definite achievement. The next week I had two of the four days off. Ugh.
• I have played lots of World of Warcraft (and achieved things in it, which is a positive).
• My wife and I built a window seat/bookshelf over the Easter weekend. I may post more about this when I have taken some pictures. This also showed some improvements in my attitudes and coping skills.
• My fitness is improving steadily as I carry on cycling to work.
• I am helping a friend design a board game (when I should be working, but never mind that).
  

My situation and events that surround me are generally good, I wish I could find a way to leave this horrible emptiness so I could take advantage of it.

Guilt

A small story for you. I have worn glasses since I was seven. In recent years I have also started using contact lenses for sports and other activities such as cycling. Over recent months I haven't been using as many lenses as I have received, and have built up several months of stock. For this reason, and because Vision Express have been useless at administering my account, I decided to cancel my contact lens account. I should note that I have been more than happy with the actual opticians at Vision Express, they have always appeared very skilful and good at their jobs; it is the general support staff who are useless.

A little while ago I married, and took my wife's surname. I managed to inform most people of this, but through laziness and general incompetence, I forgot about Vision Express.

So at the end of February I went into my local store and asked to cancel my account, remembering of course that it was in my old name. The next order was already being processed, so I was told that the last payment would be taken at the start of March and I would have one last batch of lenses. That was fine.

Checking my bank account at the start of April, I notice that Vision Express have taken another payment. I pay another visit to the shop and enquire about this. The gentleman checks my account and notices that whilst my cancellation request is on the system, it hasn't been actioned. He offers me a voucher for the value of the payment, I politely refuse and he offers me a refund to my debit card. All good.

At this point I realise that my debit card is in my married name. Hm. What do I do? I could sit and explain it all, which would probably be fine, but I am not carrying anything that could identify me under my old name. Or I could say nothing.

I say nothing. He takes my card, and completely fails to look at it. He briefly checks my signature, but I manage to make it an unreadable squiggle that looks fairly similar to the signature on the back of my card. I walk out of the shop.

What I have done, technically, is commit fraud. At the very least I was dishonest and deceitful. Ultimately, the outcome was the same as if I had been upfront, and to be honest, the member of staff concerned really should have checked properly. That doesn't make my actions either correct or justifiable.

So why is it that I feel no guilt at all about this, when I know I have done something wrong, yet I can feel deep guilt about trivial things that I intellectually recognise that I shouldn't? My mind is bizarre.

He really should have been paying more attention though.