To the person from the Bournemouth area

Hello!

The power of website tracking software is frightening, and very useful.

I suspect, from location and the search term that you used to get here, that you are someone I know from when I lived in that area. Hello!

Of course you may be someone completely random that I have never met coincidently searching for those things. Or you could be My Loving Uncle, but I doubt it because he should have the smarts to use a bookmark and to search for the more up to date and relevant version of the term used.

In related news, I still have numerous hits from people looking for information about the Newcastle University organic food study in 2007. Maybe I should write some more about it.

I also had a hit in the last month about gorgeous Greg Lake. Mmm, Greg Lake's voice.

I know things have been a bit quiet here the last few weeks; expect that to change in a new and exciting way in the next few days. Aren't you so excited?

Floored

We went to bed, and I dropped off. My head had been full of thoughts, mostly negative, before I went to sleep. Rather than sleep properly, I dozed lightly for an hour or two and then woke up again.

My mind went into overdrive and I spent a long time, maybe two hours, endlessly attacking my self; telling me how useless I was, how pointless my life was, how I was wasting and destroying everything. I started screaming at myself inside my head, thinking about cutting myself, and imagining that I was taking a beating in a fight. I was really tired, and I knew I was; I deliberately forced myself to stay awake, even though I knew that I could drop off if I wanted to, and particularly because I knew that doing so would be better for my body and my mind.

Eventually, I took pity on myself and reached a compromise. I clearly didn't deserve to sleep, and I especially didn't deserve to be warm and comfortable in bed. So in order to maintain one punishment or the other I could choose: be comfortable but stay awake, or sleep uncovered on the floor. So I picked up my pillows and curled up on the carpet.

Oddly enough I didn't sleep very much.

After a while my wife realised that I wasn't alongside her, woke up, and made me come back to bed. She gave me hugs and calmed me down and I fell deeply asleep.

I punish myself a lot. I deliberately don't do things that I want to or know that I should. I don't let myself sleep, or eat, or relax and do something nice. Even though I haven't cut myself or made myself sick for a long time, I still do bad things to myself. I punch myself in the head, I eat far too much, I imagine that I am lying on the floor being kicked in the ribs.

I deserve it all, and I can't convince myself of anything else. I so glad to have someone wonderful who can tell when I'm not in bed, or who keeps me away from packets of biscuits, or who presence keeps me in line near knives. I need to be better so I can give her what she deserves.

Bad period

I haven't posted for a while. This is partly because I haven't had much to say, but mostly because I have been suffering an extended period of feeling absolutely bloody awful.

My normal downward swings in mood last three or four days. My current episode is now approaching three weeks.

I am suffering from all of my normal symptoms:

• Variable mood, often changing suddenly, and easily becoming extreme (sudden crying, or easily becoming frustrated for example).
• Mood predominantly negative, and the full range of negative states: complete apathy, melancholy, fear (particularly about the future), general lowness.
• Periods of lacking emotion, I usually use words such as flat and empty to describe these.
• A desire to give up.
• Constant negative thought processes; running myself down, convincing myself that everything I attempt will fail, playing out depressing or very negative situations that could occur.
• Hints of my old paranoia and sense of persecution.
• Anxiety in public and around people.
• A feeling of being mentally blocked when I attempt things.
• Poor self care.
  

These are all things that to one degree or another I have learned to cope with, and can at the very least wait out until I find my way back into my usual rut.

That I have felt this bad for so long is starting to worry me, and is taking its toll. Being low and being tired, both physically and mentally, feed off of each other. My body is struggling with general tiredness and interrupted sleep. My mind is running out of energy and fight completely.

I have been coping quite well, better than I have in the past. Bits of last week were hell, but I fought through it and managed to be in work Monday to Thursday, only giving in on Friday. I didn't achieve much when I was there, but I tried.

Of course things have been hard for people around me as well. My wife is wonderful and has been so much help, but I worry about how much stress I am causing her. My work colleagues have been very supportive, putting up with me being next to useless and trying to encourage me along. I have gone from being mildly unreliable in World of Warcraft (WoW) to extremely unreliable.

I really want this to be over. I am running out of strength and I am getting worried. Mostly, I want to stop troubling everyone around me.

A little while ago I said that I would try to post positive things. Friday evening and Saturday bucked the recent trend and were great. On Friday evening I was part of a successful WoW raid; it was the best performance my Guild have put together and a big improvement on our previous attempts. On Saturday I baked cookies and cakes with my wife and we went to our friends' house to watch Eurovision. Which as ever was terrible/brilliant.

A letter to the National Trust, bless their cotton socks:

***

Over the past year I have sent to you a number of letters requesting that you update my address. As of December 2007 I moved from A House, Somewhere to A Different House, Somewhere. Despite my letters, and despite having received a letter from yourselves stating that you had updated my details, I did not receive any correspondence from you at my Different House address. I only received my 2008/9 membership card and details thanks to the kindness of people at my previous address. The new membership was issued at the end of October 2008, you had written to me in July stating that my records had been updated.

As you will note from the letterhead, I have not only moved again, but also, following my marriage, changed my surname from Smith to Jones.

Given that in fifteen months and with multiple letters of reminder you have failed to update the address details from my previous move, I am torn between again asking you to update my details to make them current and simply cancelling my membership. I have never dealt with such inept administration from a major organisation. However, as I do support the work that you carry out, I would like to continue to be a member.

Please update my records to indicate my new address as shown above, and to change my surname as indicated. I have included a photocopy of my wedding certificate as evidence of this latter change. Given the previous issues, I expect to receive a letter to my current address confirming that these changes have been made. I appreciate that your mass mailings are pre-printed so I do not expect to receive anything else for a month or so after the change.

Yours sincerely,

Small steps

I have many difficulties in communicating with people; I struggle to use telephones, I find it hard to speak up in person with all but a handful of people that I feel comfortable with, in situations that a lot of people would think would be easier and of less importance (OK, I mean when playing World of Warcraft) I am still very anxious about letting myself be heard.

It has long been a belief in my mind that if I practice things that I find hard, including challenging communications, I will grow more used to them and ultimately more comfortable. This is something I think applies particularly to using the telephone. The practice makes perfect, or at least not scared, theory is something that other people have pushed me toward as well.

There are times when I really doubt that it is true, when I can see nothing beyond me always being a pathetic individual too scared to pick up a phone and too self-absorbed to ask for something or voice an opinion in even the most friendly and safe environment.

Today at work I have managed the unthinkable; I have made two phone calls within the space of about ten minutes; one to a Help desk of the company that manages the payment of one of our bursaries and one to a parent of a student who left a message on my voicemail.

Do I feel good to have overcome my anxiety and to have completed a basic part of my role? Do I feel satisfied that I have taken a step in the direction of a more rational view of things? Do I buggery. I am terrified that the phone is going to ring again. I am scared of having to send an e-mail to the student who prompted the first phone call. What I want to do now is go home, climb into bed, and curl up under the duvet.

For some time I have been meaning to ask one of my WoW guildmates if she is able to make one or two items that would help me in game. All I needed was a little bit of information, it would take her a few seconds and a handful of mouse clicks to help me. She is a nice person and always seems happy to help people. I didn't even need to do it in a public way, I could communicate entirely privately with her.

Finally last night I managed to do it after hours of avoidance. Even then I still felt guilty about taking up her time and frustrated with myself for making such a fuss (an internal fuss that is, no-one else knew). At best there was a sense of relief that I didn't need to worry about not doing asking any more.

Every step that should be taking me forwards seems to drag me down as much as those that are clear mistakes.

But where do all the calculators go?

As some light relief (which I need), here are some funny videos. Hohoho.

The Cat Came Back

When I were young, I remember a television programme on BBC One on a Sunday evening, hosted by Tony Robinson, showing cartoons; some well known, some popular, some more obscure. This was one that I have always remembered, and I was delighted to find it on the internet.

Harry Potter Puppet Pals

It gets in your head. About the only Harry Potter related product that I can stomach these days.

The Llama song

Old, not funny (trendy) any more, stupid. Fashion and popularity can lose themselves in a dark hole; I still like it. I am slightly odd though.

Flat

I haven't posted anything recently; there are two reasons for this I think. I haven't found that much worth writing about, or rather that I have wanted to write about. Also, I have been feeling fairly down recently. It isn't the deep and dark depression or the raging angry self-hatred. Everything seems flat and grey, nothing interests me and I can't feel any great emotion about anything. It rather stymies life.

So what has been happening to me recently?

• I managed to work two consecutive five day weeks without any sick leave; a definite achievement. The next week I had two of the four days off. Ugh.
• I have played lots of World of Warcraft (and achieved things in it, which is a positive).
• My wife and I built a window seat/bookshelf over the Easter weekend. I may post more about this when I have taken some pictures. This also showed some improvements in my attitudes and coping skills.
• My fitness is improving steadily as I carry on cycling to work.
• I am helping a friend design a board game (when I should be working, but never mind that).
  

My situation and events that surround me are generally good, I wish I could find a way to leave this horrible emptiness so I could take advantage of it.

Guilt

A small story for you. I have worn glasses since I was seven. In recent years I have also started using contact lenses for sports and other activities such as cycling. Over recent months I haven't been using as many lenses as I have received, and have built up several months of stock. For this reason, and because Vision Express have been useless at administering my account, I decided to cancel my contact lens account. I should note that I have been more than happy with the actual opticians at Vision Express, they have always appeared very skilful and good at their jobs; it is the general support staff who are useless.

A little while ago I married, and took my wife's surname. I managed to inform most people of this, but through laziness and general incompetence, I forgot about Vision Express.

So at the end of February I went into my local store and asked to cancel my account, remembering of course that it was in my old name. The next order was already being processed, so I was told that the last payment would be taken at the start of March and I would have one last batch of lenses. That was fine.

Checking my bank account at the start of April, I notice that Vision Express have taken another payment. I pay another visit to the shop and enquire about this. The gentleman checks my account and notices that whilst my cancellation request is on the system, it hasn't been actioned. He offers me a voucher for the value of the payment, I politely refuse and he offers me a refund to my debit card. All good.

At this point I realise that my debit card is in my married name. Hm. What do I do? I could sit and explain it all, which would probably be fine, but I am not carrying anything that could identify me under my old name. Or I could say nothing.

I say nothing. He takes my card, and completely fails to look at it. He briefly checks my signature, but I manage to make it an unreadable squiggle that looks fairly similar to the signature on the back of my card. I walk out of the shop.

What I have done, technically, is commit fraud. At the very least I was dishonest and deceitful. Ultimately, the outcome was the same as if I had been upfront, and to be honest, the member of staff concerned really should have checked properly. That doesn't make my actions either correct or justifiable.

So why is it that I feel no guilt at all about this, when I know I have done something wrong, yet I can feel deep guilt about trivial things that I intellectually recognise that I shouldn't? My mind is bizarre.

He really should have been paying more attention though.

Undecided

In my last post I raised the issue of my indecisiveness. Although I was quite flippant about it, it can be a serious problem. In fact, there are times when it has triggered me working myself into a state.

I haven't given this any detailed thought, but have tried to think of some reasons why I may be so indecisive.

I don't want to make the wrong decision. I could mean in either a practical sense of wrong, i.e. going left instead of right and ending up in the wrong place, or in a moral sense.

I don't want to miss out on something.

I don't want to force someone else to do something when they would rather be doing the alternative.

I don't want to do something when I would rather be doing the alternative.

As a corollary to that, I don't know which choice I would prefer.

I am genuinely torn between the options, either because they are equally attractive or I am unable to compare the benefits.

I don't want to make a commitment.

For some reason I don't wish to admit that my preference is my preference.

I over estimate the importance of the consequences of making a decision.

I am a perfectionist.

Monkey Urine

I find the generic churn 'em out American film comedians like Adam Sandler and Ben Stiller quite annoying, and usually not that funny. On Saturday evening the Lovely Lady Duck and I were both feeling fairly stressed by various things and decided to watch A Night at the Museum, a Ben Stiller film.

Sidetrack: I say we decided to watch that. Usually it works something like this:

Shall we watch a film?
Could do.
What shall we watch?
Don't know, what do you want to watch?
Don't know, any ideas.
Don't know.
...

We then each pull out a random selection of DVDs that we might vaguely quite like to watch possibly and take turns putting them back until we end up with one. In fact, on Saturday, we managed to reduce the options to four films before we had to resort to tossing coins.

Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, Ben Stiller. I actually mildly enjoyed the film; it was quite easy to watch and didn't require more braincells than are needed to say "ooo, look at the funny dinosaur", it was blessed with Dick Van Dyke and Robin Williams, and had a scene where Ben Stiller was urinated on by a monkey. It certainly wasn't Young Frankenstein or Dr. Strangelove, but it passed the time in a relaxed fashion.

The point of this? There was a rather large fly in the otherwise soothing ointment:

aethelreadtheunread: Ricky Gervais = arsehole

Workplace isolation

In a post yesterday, Fighting Monsters made a comment about how differences in the workplace can sometimes make one feel.

The reason I get paid most is solely because I get additional increments for the AMHP work. I’m also one of the younger members of the team. These two combined factors don’t always make me the most popular of people. It can feel very isolating at times.

It made me think about my own situation. I am not for a moment drawing a comparison between myself and Fighting Monsters' situation, but I have similar feelings at times.

There are about twenty people in our office building. Of these, three of us are male, and one of those is the senior manager in the block who spends as much time out as in (he is a very nice bloke though, and a great manager). Also, I am the youngest person in the building, and I am reasonably sure that there are only two others within five years of me. Obviously with most of my colleagues being ladies, it wouldn't do to ask.

For those two reasons there are times that I can feel very socially isolated, and to a lesser degree, professionally so. I am not for a moment suggesting that anyone deliberately says or behaves in a fashion to make me feel so. Almost everyone is very nice and friendly. In particular my two immediate colleagues have always been very supportive and are friends. It is quite natural though that women in their forties and fifties will tend to have less connection with a young man like me.

The problem is compounded by social life away from work being very limited. My two or three closest friends I may see once a week at most. I see a lot more of my Guildmates in WoW.

Oh well, there is not much that I can do apart from grin and bear it, I have little control over the situation.

A whole week

If I get through today, this will only be the second full five day week that I have worked since January. I am determined that I will be at work all day (note that I very carefully didn't say 'I will do a full days work'), despite feeling very on edge and jumpy and weird. Of the ten weeks that I haven't worked five days, four were because of taking holiday; but six were because of a day or days sick leave.

Overall, I am relatively happy with my progress at being in work. I haven't had more than two consecutive sick days since I was off for six weeks last July and August. I went for six weeks after the wedding without a day off. Since the end of October though, I have been having the odd one or two days here and there, averaging about a day a week.

I find this really frustrating. Part of the logical side of me knows that feeling that way has a further negative effect on how I am feeling otherwise, and that part also recognises how much better I have been over the last six months than any time in the last three years. But I still remember the six months I did in my second job after graduating without even blinking, and the first nine months or a year in this job which were fine. And then I think about how much I let people down and incapable of doing my job (or anything) I feel at times.

The unpredictability, the on and off and rapid swings and constant doubt about how I will tomorrow or in six hours wears me down. I am fighting though, and I think I am making progress even if I don't feel it all of the time. I hope that I won't get overwhelmed and break down again like I did last summer and spring, and the year before that.

Wow, what a geek

There is a large part of my life that I have only hinted at in previous posts. In actuality, I thought I had posted about it in previous years, but having browsed my archives it appears that I didn't. At any, I have a problem, I play World of Warcraft (WoW). It is actually worse than that; the Lovely Lady Duck plays as well, and I am the one who introduced her to the game. I have geekiness and I infected my wife.

For those who are only vaguely aware of WoW, it is a Massively Multi-player On-line Role-playing Game (MMORPG). To dissect the jargon, a large number of people play the game on a central sever, interacting with other each as well as computer controlled entities, taking on the roles of characters in the world.

In particular WoW is a fairly normal high fantasy setting, although one with a great deal of depth and development in the background and history. Blizzard, who created and run the game, claim more than 11 million active accounts, although you never interact with that many people; there are multiple servers each with (this is a guess) around ten thousand active players.

Anyway, why did I decide to start talking about this now? There are I think three motivating factors:

1. WoW is such a large part of my life. In blunt terms of time, I typically spend fifteen to twenty hours each week playing, which is a substantial proportion of my free time. WoW has had substantial effects on my mood and mental state over the two years or so that I have been playing; both positive and negative. This influence is something that interests me, much as the influence of music does.

2. I want to write a few things about WoW itself. I don't want to become a full time WoW blogger, but that are a few things that I want to throw into the mix.

3. I have always enjoyed writing bits of fiction. Some of this has been fan-fiction set in gaming universes (X-COM and Laser Squad Nemesis before WoW). If I were to put a little of my writing up here, it would seem odd to include WoW fiction without first setting my WoW background up.

Eyebrows

In each eyebrow I have a single hair that grows very long, and at a greater rate than normal eyebrow hair. Both are normal eyebrow brown at the ends, but silver in toward the roots.

I have spent the last minute or so of exceedingly fun time at my desk plucking them out with my fingers. For I am man, me fear no eyebrow plucking pain.

Enlgand are World Champions!

Congratulations to the team for an excellent performance in the final and all through the Championship.

Not my usual sort of thing, but I felt it deserved some converage; it isn't as though it will get any anywhere else.

Memory failure

Many of the bloggers who write about mental health issues are capable of producing lucid and detailed accounts of the thought processes and emotions that they have both in day to day life and when they are subject to the intense or dark periods of their illness. I would imagine for the majority of them that this certainly isn't something that is easy to do, both in terms of expressing themselves and going back over the periods in question.

It seems sensible to me that being able to consider my dark thought processes whilst I am calm could be productive. I have at times written notes and attempted to transcribe my thoughts during my bad episodes, but rarely are they coherent. A far bigger issue for me is that I frequently can't remember in anything but the vaguest detail what I was thinking or feeling.

On Wednesday I broke down at work and wept and wept. I managed to phone my wife and she came into work, spoke to my manager and took me home (I love her, she is wonderful). I can remember very little of what I was thinking and feeling leading up to and during this time. I know it was at least partly related to a sense of failing to do my job, and maybe other aspects of my life, but any details escapes. One thing I do remember is thinking about trying to remember things so that I could write a blog post about it. Clearly I failed.

My inability to remain coherent when I am upset, and to remember anything of use when I calm down is problematic not only when I try to think about things myself, but also when it comes to discussing issues with other people; in particular my wife or manager or doctor.

It is really quite irritating.

First steps

Almost precisely ten years after I became legally allowed to do so, I have made my first enquiries about learning to drive.

Ugh.

Music and mood

Music can often affect my short term mood to what seems a disproportionate level. I have been thinking about why this may be, in particular trying to consider the pieces of music that more frequently cause a change in my emotions.

1. Music with a specific association to a past event.

This is quite obvious; many things can cause associations to memories, events, other people, and so on. Examples: Clutching at Straws (Marillion) with a very depressed evening when I was 17 or 18; Wonderful Tonight (Eric Clapton) with seeing E.C. live and being the first dance at our wedding.

2. Music which I relate to.

Feeling a strong connection with something because of perceived personal similarities is of a nature with association with memories. For example, the strong themes of mental turbulence and illness in the music of Dream Theater (I know, they are Americans, they can't help it).

3. Familiarity

Knowing anything in great depth or over many years can imbue it with a value of its own. There are some albums that I can obsess over for a period of time, and which subsequently I come to know with great familiarity. That this can then lead to an emotional response of listening to them again isn't hard to see. Examples: take your pick.

4. Music (lyrics) with an emotive theme.

I am susceptible to emotional content in all forms of media. I can easily shed a tear or become otherwise deeply involved in a film, book, or music. Examples: Snow (Spock's Beard) both the darker parts and the joyous and triumphant sections; Bright Eyes (Art Garfunkel).

5. Lower level effects

There appears to be a more subconscious level at which some music can affect people; most often this is referred to when speaking of dance/electronic music, usually in terms of high tempo music with a strong beat. I would also extend this to include pieces that include strong crescendos, in certain major keys, and so on. Examples: The Prodigy; The Ode To Joy (Beethoven).

6. Virtuoso performances or compositions

This is one aspect that interests me as it seems more unusual to me. I can often become overwhelmed, usually exemplified by complete focus and tearfulness, by a particularly skilful or complex segment of a piece. Most frequently, because of the type of music I listen to and the nature of composition and arrangement, this is a guitar or keyboard solo of some sort, but can be anything (even percussion - my Father would be disturbed if he knew). Examples: Rick Wakeman twiddling away; Bach.

7. Appositeness

I wasn't sure what word I could use for this, so I shall describe what I mean. Sometimes, you are listening to a song or piece of music and a part of it, maybe a line of lyrics, maybe a instrumental solo, maybe the sum of the whole seems so completely right and perfect. It doesn't need to be particularly complex or clever, but it feels as if nothing else could work. Dave Gilmour seems to have the knack of this for me; he isn't the pinnacle of a great technical guitarist (although he is very good), but sometimes he just played the right notes in the right place and it was perfect.

Of course, any given piece of music may trigger one, more, or all of these. Or I may be slightly weird and be over analysing a broken emotional response. Whatever it may be, music can flick my switches.

Strange pleasures - numbers

I don't mean the crime drama with the genius mathematician and his FBI agent brother, although I do enjoy that a great deal as well.


Over here Aetherlread mentions being a 'weird, long-winded, stats-obsessed bastard'. All I can say is wahoo! I enjoy playing with numbers. This permeates many aspects of my life.

Watching cricket I will happily sit and digest the statistics, calculating averages and run rates and targets not because they have a great meaning in themselves, but because I love manipulating the numbers.

Part of my World of Warcraft addiction relates to the huge number of numbers that I can analyse, target, and develop.

If I am on a bus, or walking and I am bored out of mind I will play games with the numbers and letters on car registration plates. When I am frustrated or bored at work I will look over a piece of paper and sum the digits, hoping that they will total 10.

I greatly enjoyed my mathematics degree and A-levels, and one of my greatest regrets is that my mental state, general laziness, and incompetence during those periods stopped me from taking full advantage of the opportunities that I had. If had more time I would spend some of it taking up maths again, but I don't; there is so much to fill up my life, even if I were able to manage to do things and not be moping about everywhere. I hate wasting my life.

A brief tribute

I managed to sit down and watch the Queen: Live AT Wembley DVD which I received for Christmas whilst I started the post-move paperwork shuffle.

I won't say too much as most of it has been said over the years. Freddie Mercury was a great performer and entertainer. I consider him one of the best front-men in the business, and he had one of the greatest singing voices to go with it. His early death through AIDS was a great loss, and I still remember hearing the radio when it was announced on the news. At least his legacy as a musician, and in helping to raise awareness of HIV/AIDS lives on. He is ion many ways one of my heroes.

It is too easy to forget the rest of Queen. John Deacon and Roger Taylor are a good rhythm section. Brian May is a underrated guitarist, and in my opinion was the strongest song writer in the group. It was also unusual to have a band in which every member was a good enough singer that they could sing lead vocals if they wanted[*].

As an added bonus, I have finally ejected Nickleback from my head. I quite enjoy them, but it is my wife's favourite driving music and various snatches of their songs have been stuck in my head for about a fortnight. It is a relief to have Freddie and Brian going over 'Is this the world we created?' instead.

*Somebody please gag Phil Collins

If only I were a Duck

I could fly to work.

The one substantial downside of our lovely new house is that we are now about four and half miles from my place of work (and my wife's place of study) instead of a little over one mile. Previously I had a gentle fifteen or twenty minute walk to the office. Now my options are:

Bus: an hour, or possibly more in the evening if the traffic is particularly heavy.
Walk: an hour and fifteen or twenty minutes.
Cycle: twenty five or thirty minutes.

Even if I could drive, which I can't, I wouldn't.

I won't catch the bus unless I absolutely have to. Not only does it cost money, but there are other people there (which makes me nervous) and lots of them (which makes me even more nervous). It also grates a little to catch a bus when it is almost as quick for me to walk.

Ultimately, cycling will be a good thing. My general fitness will improve. I will feel less guilty about having an expensive bike which I rarely use. Coming into work and getting home after substantial exercise will tend to improve my short term mood.

I worry that if I wake up and am feeling low, I will be even less inclined to face up to the cycle than I would have been to the much shorter walk. Most of the cycle is on quiet roads or off road cycle paths, so it quite safe, and my usual fear of cycling on roads is minimised.

One of the few things that has always consistently been true from all of my experiences of various health and mental health professionals is that exercise is a positive thing. The short term boost of chemicals may only be short term, but it does boost me for a while, and sometimes that boost can be enough to get me out of the rut for a day. A day that may then turn into a week. All I need is for my body not to collapse in a heap for me.

One thing that irritates me more is the doubling of travel time. I now have even less time to do useful things (and play WoW). At least I won't be catching the bus every day.

New nest

After all of the usual stress and hassle, the Lovely Lady Duck and I have moved into our new nest. We are now home-owners; hurrah. I shall take some pictures soon, or to be precise when we have finished tidying. Unfortunately, after a long weekend for the move, I am now back at work; harrumph.

Excellent customer service

People often use the internet to complain about bad service, or how they were diddled by unscrupulous companies. Such events are frustrating, and it can be useful to vent. It can also be pointless, counter-productive and petty.

So, here is a happy little tale of a company making an effort and providing some excellent service.

At Christmas, my wife and I received some gifts as cash. We tucked the envelopes inside the case of a DVD that I had also received (the classic Queen at Wembley concert), so as to keep the money safe and together. Unfortunately, both my Father and my in-laws purchased the same DVD for me (as useful as it is the Amazon wish list system is flawed in some ways). We returned one of the DVDs to Amazon using their normal returns policy. Only a day or so afterwards did we realise that the DVD we sent back was the one with the money in.

At this point I completely fell to pieces; it was largely my fault, it was stupid in the extreme, and I couldn't deal with having to try to sort it out. Fortunately, my better half is made of sterner stuff, and made a series of phone calls to Amazon and assorted Royal Mail facilities.

A lass at Amazon customer services immediately grasped the issue, and with her colleagues at the returns facility, went out of her way to track down our package and return the money to us. There was little obligation, either as individuals or a company, for them to do that, and the trouble and effort I put them to was much appreciated.

Now I am sure we can all sit and yarn about how Amazon have screwed us over in the past and how they are the spawn of all evil. Good things do happen, remember that and all the times when things also occurred exactly as they should have done.

(Consider confirmation bias and related effects).

Silly question list meme thing

I have always been opposed to silly question list meme things, but it is a handy thing to keep in storage against not being able to be bothered to make a proper post. So, stolen from Aethelread The Unread, here is a silly question list meme thing.

1. Do you like blue cheese salad dressing?

No. I dislike blue cheese. Did you know that the odour of blue cheeses is caused by a bacterium closely related to the type that causes the smell of feet?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_cheese

2. Favourite late night snack?

I try not to eat close to going to sleep. I am rarely up late in the first place to be honest.

3. Do you own a gun?

Nope.

4. What’s your favourite drink at Starbucks or other speciality coffee shop?

Hot chocolate. Although I am one of the irritating types who enjoys going in to Starbucks and asking for a medium coffee please.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?

It varies depending on my state of mind and the doctor.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?

I'd rather have a kebab. That shouldn't be taken as implying that I like kebabs.

7. Favourite Christmas song?

Lonely This Christmas by Mud or the one by the drunk Irish guy and Kirsty MacColl. I think they adequately sum up my feelings about Christmas.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the mornings?

Usually water or weak squash, sometimes tea, I should drink fruit juice

9. Can you do push-ups?

Indeed I can, although not that many at the moment. In fact, even fewer at the moment, I slipped up walking to walk and bashed my shoulder.

10. What’s your favourite piece of jewellery?

As a category on me; a simple cross on a chain. A particular item on me; my wedding ring. On other people; it varies.

11. Favourite hobby?

Playing World of Warcraft. Muttermuttermutter.

12. Do you have A.D.D.?

Nope, although my concentration is very poor and cute fluffy things distract me very easily. Bunny!

13. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself?

I'm only allowed one? Sulk.

14. The last disease you contracted?

I can't remember having a disease. I had a bit of a dodgy tummy before Christmas.

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.

Ten minutes until I can leave work. I really should do some work in those last ten minutes. Urghghhh.

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink.

Water. Squash. Lemonade and lime.

17. Current worry right now?

Hahahahaha. No wait, I am supposed to be thinking happy thoughts. Bad question, don't do that again.

18. Current hate right now?

Me. Bad question, I shall have to send you to the naughty step.

19. Favourite place to be?

Somewhere warm, comfortable, with good food, my lovely wife, and preferably an internet connection so I can play WoW.

20. How did you ring in the new year?

With my wife and my best man and his wife, playing a board game about zombies.

Brrrrainzzzzzz.

21. Like to travel?

Yes and no. Probably mostly no. But sometimes yes.

22. Name three people who will complete Sunday Stealing this week.

No idea, but I suspect my Sunday will be stolen by WoW.

23. Do you own slippers?

Yes. They really need a wash.

24. What colour shirt are you wearing?

Black with very tiny little white dots in lines.

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?

I have no idea.

26. Can you whistle?

Not very well.

27. Favourite singer/ band?

Depends on mood, location, frame of mind, recent listening trends, colour of socks, blah.

28. Could you ever make it 39 days on the show Survivor?

I doubt it; I would likely be arrested for doing vicious and illegal things to the rest of the idiot retards that usually turn up on those sorts of programs.

29. What songs do you sing in the shower?

None, people are arrested for lesser offences.

30. Favourite girl’s names?

Something nice and Germanic, or Scandinavian.

31. Favourite boy’s names?

See above.

32. What’s in your pocket right now?

Handkerchief.

33. Last thing that made you laugh?

I can't really remember. Not because it was a long time ago, but because my memory is rubbish.

34. Like your job?

Yes. If I only I was better at it and applied myself to it more.

35. Daffodils.

36. Do you love where you live?

Aye, pretty much.

37. How many TVs do you have in your house?

One, and that is one too many.

38. Who is your loudest friend?

I am not really sure.

39. Do you drive the speed limit or speed?

I can't drive. I have occasionally broken the speed limit on my bicycle, but I try to avoid it as much as possible.

40. Does someone have a crush on you?

I have no idea. The hamster snuffles at me sometimes when I give her chocolate, does that count?

41. What’s your favourite book?

I won't limit myself to one. See also my answer to question 27.

42. What is your favourite candy?

Mmm, Candy Shrimps. However, assuming this is the American meaning of candy, see answers to questions 41 and 27.

43. Favourite sports team?

My favourite? I am not sure that I have one. The team I probably get most attached to watching is probably the Irish rugby team. Maybe the Welsh.

44. What were you doing at 12am last night?

Sleeping.

45. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up today?

Mostly angry thoughts aimed at me because I deliberately set my alarm later so I could have a little extra sleep and woke up half an hour earlier than usual instead.

The good side of Christmas and New Year

For many reasons I dislike and rarely enjoy the Christmas and New Year period. So here are some of the good things that happened to me this year.

- I was able to spend some quiet time with my lovely wife when we weren't bothered by other things.
- I saw my parents, and they weren't irritating.
- I found at least a little time where I could sit down and properly relax, knowing that all the things that normally fill my head could go away because they didn't matter then and even if they did, there wasn't anything that I could do about them.
- I was given a pruning saw. My Mother really should know better. Mawahaha.
- I ate lots of very nice food in quantities that didn't spoil the experience.
- I was able to have fun playing some games with people without becoming too competitive or intense.

Feeling not alone

Last July I had an extended period away from work due to illness. At the start of September I married my wonderful wife, so August was filled with organising and September with being away.

Ever since we first became a couple, having the immediate knowledge that someone was there who cared about me has been a source of strength. In a more specific way, that knowledge has sometimes helped to invalidate the horrible isolation and loneliness that I sometimes feel.

At the end of April last year I stopped posting here. At the time this was mostly due to my attention span, I was almost certainly distracted by something new and shiny, but the break was considerably lengthened by my summer illness and then the wedding and so on.

When we returned from our honeymoon, I caught up with the hundreds of blog posts that I had missed whilst away. One blog that I read, Aethelread The Unread, is concerned with mental health. The author is fluent, intelligent, and comes across as a great guy. In one post he mentioned some blogs that he read that had stopped posting, and noting his concerns about some of them. One blog he mentioned was mine (although with the very accurate comment of "judging by his archives he’s a kind of on-again, off-again blogger anyway").

I cried when I read that, in both a happy and sad way. I felt so incredibly not alone. I am sure that in part in was ego massaging; someone read my blog and noticed something that I did.

But it was also a positive thought. When I feel completely isolated and alone, and when everybody seems to be looking at me with disgust and contempt, I am actually wrong. There are people who notice me; my wife, my parents and family, my friends, my colleagues, people I know through blogs and games. And the rest are oblivious rather than malevolent.

Positive bunnies.

One of the frequently occurring pieces of advice that I have received during my illness, from assorted medical and mental health professionals and from friends and family, is to try and focus on good things. Maybe this is doing things that I enjoy, even when I don't feel like being bothered to eat and wash and breathe. Maybe it is trying to think about happy things rather than the constant trains of thought about angry and violent and pessimistic situations and fantasies. Maybe it is just to use my senses and see the nice things that are there.

I am not very good at this, so I shall attempt to practice here. I will make posts about things I enjoy, about positive things that have happened to me, about good news I hear of, about cute happy fluffy bunnies.

Bunny!

I was sexually molested by a cutlery drawer

No really, I was.