Floored

We went to bed, and I dropped off. My head had been full of thoughts, mostly negative, before I went to sleep. Rather than sleep properly, I dozed lightly for an hour or two and then woke up again.

My mind went into overdrive and I spent a long time, maybe two hours, endlessly attacking my self; telling me how useless I was, how pointless my life was, how I was wasting and destroying everything. I started screaming at myself inside my head, thinking about cutting myself, and imagining that I was taking a beating in a fight. I was really tired, and I knew I was; I deliberately forced myself to stay awake, even though I knew that I could drop off if I wanted to, and particularly because I knew that doing so would be better for my body and my mind.

Eventually, I took pity on myself and reached a compromise. I clearly didn't deserve to sleep, and I especially didn't deserve to be warm and comfortable in bed. So in order to maintain one punishment or the other I could choose: be comfortable but stay awake, or sleep uncovered on the floor. So I picked up my pillows and curled up on the carpet.

Oddly enough I didn't sleep very much.

After a while my wife realised that I wasn't alongside her, woke up, and made me come back to bed. She gave me hugs and calmed me down and I fell deeply asleep.

I punish myself a lot. I deliberately don't do things that I want to or know that I should. I don't let myself sleep, or eat, or relax and do something nice. Even though I haven't cut myself or made myself sick for a long time, I still do bad things to myself. I punch myself in the head, I eat far too much, I imagine that I am lying on the floor being kicked in the ribs.

I deserve it all, and I can't convince myself of anything else. I so glad to have someone wonderful who can tell when I'm not in bed, or who keeps me away from packets of biscuits, or who presence keeps me in line near knives. I need to be better so I can give her what she deserves.

Bad period

I haven't posted for a while. This is partly because I haven't had much to say, but mostly because I have been suffering an extended period of feeling absolutely bloody awful.

My normal downward swings in mood last three or four days. My current episode is now approaching three weeks.

I am suffering from all of my normal symptoms:

• Variable mood, often changing suddenly, and easily becoming extreme (sudden crying, or easily becoming frustrated for example).
• Mood predominantly negative, and the full range of negative states: complete apathy, melancholy, fear (particularly about the future), general lowness.
• Periods of lacking emotion, I usually use words such as flat and empty to describe these.
• A desire to give up.
• Constant negative thought processes; running myself down, convincing myself that everything I attempt will fail, playing out depressing or very negative situations that could occur.
• Hints of my old paranoia and sense of persecution.
• Anxiety in public and around people.
• A feeling of being mentally blocked when I attempt things.
• Poor self care.
  

These are all things that to one degree or another I have learned to cope with, and can at the very least wait out until I find my way back into my usual rut.

That I have felt this bad for so long is starting to worry me, and is taking its toll. Being low and being tired, both physically and mentally, feed off of each other. My body is struggling with general tiredness and interrupted sleep. My mind is running out of energy and fight completely.

I have been coping quite well, better than I have in the past. Bits of last week were hell, but I fought through it and managed to be in work Monday to Thursday, only giving in on Friday. I didn't achieve much when I was there, but I tried.

Of course things have been hard for people around me as well. My wife is wonderful and has been so much help, but I worry about how much stress I am causing her. My work colleagues have been very supportive, putting up with me being next to useless and trying to encourage me along. I have gone from being mildly unreliable in World of Warcraft (WoW) to extremely unreliable.

I really want this to be over. I am running out of strength and I am getting worried. Mostly, I want to stop troubling everyone around me.

A little while ago I said that I would try to post positive things. Friday evening and Saturday bucked the recent trend and were great. On Friday evening I was part of a successful WoW raid; it was the best performance my Guild have put together and a big improvement on our previous attempts. On Saturday I baked cookies and cakes with my wife and we went to our friends' house to watch Eurovision. Which as ever was terrible/brilliant.

Small steps

I have many difficulties in communicating with people; I struggle to use telephones, I find it hard to speak up in person with all but a handful of people that I feel comfortable with, in situations that a lot of people would think would be easier and of less importance (OK, I mean when playing World of Warcraft) I am still very anxious about letting myself be heard.

It has long been a belief in my mind that if I practice things that I find hard, including challenging communications, I will grow more used to them and ultimately more comfortable. This is something I think applies particularly to using the telephone. The practice makes perfect, or at least not scared, theory is something that other people have pushed me toward as well.

There are times when I really doubt that it is true, when I can see nothing beyond me always being a pathetic individual too scared to pick up a phone and too self-absorbed to ask for something or voice an opinion in even the most friendly and safe environment.

Today at work I have managed the unthinkable; I have made two phone calls within the space of about ten minutes; one to a Help desk of the company that manages the payment of one of our bursaries and one to a parent of a student who left a message on my voicemail.

Do I feel good to have overcome my anxiety and to have completed a basic part of my role? Do I feel satisfied that I have taken a step in the direction of a more rational view of things? Do I buggery. I am terrified that the phone is going to ring again. I am scared of having to send an e-mail to the student who prompted the first phone call. What I want to do now is go home, climb into bed, and curl up under the duvet.

For some time I have been meaning to ask one of my WoW guildmates if she is able to make one or two items that would help me in game. All I needed was a little bit of information, it would take her a few seconds and a handful of mouse clicks to help me. She is a nice person and always seems happy to help people. I didn't even need to do it in a public way, I could communicate entirely privately with her.

Finally last night I managed to do it after hours of avoidance. Even then I still felt guilty about taking up her time and frustrated with myself for making such a fuss (an internal fuss that is, no-one else knew). At best there was a sense of relief that I didn't need to worry about not doing asking any more.

Every step that should be taking me forwards seems to drag me down as much as those that are clear mistakes.

Flat

I haven't posted anything recently; there are two reasons for this I think. I haven't found that much worth writing about, or rather that I have wanted to write about. Also, I have been feeling fairly down recently. It isn't the deep and dark depression or the raging angry self-hatred. Everything seems flat and grey, nothing interests me and I can't feel any great emotion about anything. It rather stymies life.

So what has been happening to me recently?

• I managed to work two consecutive five day weeks without any sick leave; a definite achievement. The next week I had two of the four days off. Ugh.
• I have played lots of World of Warcraft (and achieved things in it, which is a positive).
• My wife and I built a window seat/bookshelf over the Easter weekend. I may post more about this when I have taken some pictures. This also showed some improvements in my attitudes and coping skills.
• My fitness is improving steadily as I carry on cycling to work.
• I am helping a friend design a board game (when I should be working, but never mind that).
  

My situation and events that surround me are generally good, I wish I could find a way to leave this horrible emptiness so I could take advantage of it.

Guilt

A small story for you. I have worn glasses since I was seven. In recent years I have also started using contact lenses for sports and other activities such as cycling. Over recent months I haven't been using as many lenses as I have received, and have built up several months of stock. For this reason, and because Vision Express have been useless at administering my account, I decided to cancel my contact lens account. I should note that I have been more than happy with the actual opticians at Vision Express, they have always appeared very skilful and good at their jobs; it is the general support staff who are useless.

A little while ago I married, and took my wife's surname. I managed to inform most people of this, but through laziness and general incompetence, I forgot about Vision Express.

So at the end of February I went into my local store and asked to cancel my account, remembering of course that it was in my old name. The next order was already being processed, so I was told that the last payment would be taken at the start of March and I would have one last batch of lenses. That was fine.

Checking my bank account at the start of April, I notice that Vision Express have taken another payment. I pay another visit to the shop and enquire about this. The gentleman checks my account and notices that whilst my cancellation request is on the system, it hasn't been actioned. He offers me a voucher for the value of the payment, I politely refuse and he offers me a refund to my debit card. All good.

At this point I realise that my debit card is in my married name. Hm. What do I do? I could sit and explain it all, which would probably be fine, but I am not carrying anything that could identify me under my old name. Or I could say nothing.

I say nothing. He takes my card, and completely fails to look at it. He briefly checks my signature, but I manage to make it an unreadable squiggle that looks fairly similar to the signature on the back of my card. I walk out of the shop.

What I have done, technically, is commit fraud. At the very least I was dishonest and deceitful. Ultimately, the outcome was the same as if I had been upfront, and to be honest, the member of staff concerned really should have checked properly. That doesn't make my actions either correct or justifiable.

So why is it that I feel no guilt at all about this, when I know I have done something wrong, yet I can feel deep guilt about trivial things that I intellectually recognise that I shouldn't? My mind is bizarre.

He really should have been paying more attention though.

Undecided

In my last post I raised the issue of my indecisiveness. Although I was quite flippant about it, it can be a serious problem. In fact, there are times when it has triggered me working myself into a state.

I haven't given this any detailed thought, but have tried to think of some reasons why I may be so indecisive.

I don't want to make the wrong decision. I could mean in either a practical sense of wrong, i.e. going left instead of right and ending up in the wrong place, or in a moral sense.

I don't want to miss out on something.

I don't want to force someone else to do something when they would rather be doing the alternative.

I don't want to do something when I would rather be doing the alternative.

As a corollary to that, I don't know which choice I would prefer.

I am genuinely torn between the options, either because they are equally attractive or I am unable to compare the benefits.

I don't want to make a commitment.

For some reason I don't wish to admit that my preference is my preference.

I over estimate the importance of the consequences of making a decision.

I am a perfectionist.

Workplace isolation

In a post yesterday, Fighting Monsters made a comment about how differences in the workplace can sometimes make one feel.

The reason I get paid most is solely because I get additional increments for the AMHP work. I’m also one of the younger members of the team. These two combined factors don’t always make me the most popular of people. It can feel very isolating at times.

It made me think about my own situation. I am not for a moment drawing a comparison between myself and Fighting Monsters' situation, but I have similar feelings at times.

There are about twenty people in our office building. Of these, three of us are male, and one of those is the senior manager in the block who spends as much time out as in (he is a very nice bloke though, and a great manager). Also, I am the youngest person in the building, and I am reasonably sure that there are only two others within five years of me. Obviously with most of my colleagues being ladies, it wouldn't do to ask.

For those two reasons there are times that I can feel very socially isolated, and to a lesser degree, professionally so. I am not for a moment suggesting that anyone deliberately says or behaves in a fashion to make me feel so. Almost everyone is very nice and friendly. In particular my two immediate colleagues have always been very supportive and are friends. It is quite natural though that women in their forties and fifties will tend to have less connection with a young man like me.

The problem is compounded by social life away from work being very limited. My two or three closest friends I may see once a week at most. I see a lot more of my Guildmates in WoW.

Oh well, there is not much that I can do apart from grin and bear it, I have little control over the situation.

A whole week

If I get through today, this will only be the second full five day week that I have worked since January. I am determined that I will be at work all day (note that I very carefully didn't say 'I will do a full days work'), despite feeling very on edge and jumpy and weird. Of the ten weeks that I haven't worked five days, four were because of taking holiday; but six were because of a day or days sick leave.

Overall, I am relatively happy with my progress at being in work. I haven't had more than two consecutive sick days since I was off for six weeks last July and August. I went for six weeks after the wedding without a day off. Since the end of October though, I have been having the odd one or two days here and there, averaging about a day a week.

I find this really frustrating. Part of the logical side of me knows that feeling that way has a further negative effect on how I am feeling otherwise, and that part also recognises how much better I have been over the last six months than any time in the last three years. But I still remember the six months I did in my second job after graduating without even blinking, and the first nine months or a year in this job which were fine. And then I think about how much I let people down and incapable of doing my job (or anything) I feel at times.

The unpredictability, the on and off and rapid swings and constant doubt about how I will tomorrow or in six hours wears me down. I am fighting though, and I think I am making progress even if I don't feel it all of the time. I hope that I won't get overwhelmed and break down again like I did last summer and spring, and the year before that.

Wow, what a geek

There is a large part of my life that I have only hinted at in previous posts. In actuality, I thought I had posted about it in previous years, but having browsed my archives it appears that I didn't. At any, I have a problem, I play World of Warcraft (WoW). It is actually worse than that; the Lovely Lady Duck plays as well, and I am the one who introduced her to the game. I have geekiness and I infected my wife.

For those who are only vaguely aware of WoW, it is a Massively Multi-player On-line Role-playing Game (MMORPG). To dissect the jargon, a large number of people play the game on a central sever, interacting with other each as well as computer controlled entities, taking on the roles of characters in the world.

In particular WoW is a fairly normal high fantasy setting, although one with a great deal of depth and development in the background and history. Blizzard, who created and run the game, claim more than 11 million active accounts, although you never interact with that many people; there are multiple servers each with (this is a guess) around ten thousand active players.

Anyway, why did I decide to start talking about this now? There are I think three motivating factors:

1. WoW is such a large part of my life. In blunt terms of time, I typically spend fifteen to twenty hours each week playing, which is a substantial proportion of my free time. WoW has had substantial effects on my mood and mental state over the two years or so that I have been playing; both positive and negative. This influence is something that interests me, much as the influence of music does.

2. I want to write a few things about WoW itself. I don't want to become a full time WoW blogger, but that are a few things that I want to throw into the mix.

3. I have always enjoyed writing bits of fiction. Some of this has been fan-fiction set in gaming universes (X-COM and Laser Squad Nemesis before WoW). If I were to put a little of my writing up here, it would seem odd to include WoW fiction without first setting my WoW background up.

Memory failure

Many of the bloggers who write about mental health issues are capable of producing lucid and detailed accounts of the thought processes and emotions that they have both in day to day life and when they are subject to the intense or dark periods of their illness. I would imagine for the majority of them that this certainly isn't something that is easy to do, both in terms of expressing themselves and going back over the periods in question.

It seems sensible to me that being able to consider my dark thought processes whilst I am calm could be productive. I have at times written notes and attempted to transcribe my thoughts during my bad episodes, but rarely are they coherent. A far bigger issue for me is that I frequently can't remember in anything but the vaguest detail what I was thinking or feeling.

On Wednesday I broke down at work and wept and wept. I managed to phone my wife and she came into work, spoke to my manager and took me home (I love her, she is wonderful). I can remember very little of what I was thinking and feeling leading up to and during this time. I know it was at least partly related to a sense of failing to do my job, and maybe other aspects of my life, but any details escapes. One thing I do remember is thinking about trying to remember things so that I could write a blog post about it. Clearly I failed.

My inability to remain coherent when I am upset, and to remember anything of use when I calm down is problematic not only when I try to think about things myself, but also when it comes to discussing issues with other people; in particular my wife or manager or doctor.

It is really quite irritating.

Music and mood

Music can often affect my short term mood to what seems a disproportionate level. I have been thinking about why this may be, in particular trying to consider the pieces of music that more frequently cause a change in my emotions.

1. Music with a specific association to a past event.

This is quite obvious; many things can cause associations to memories, events, other people, and so on. Examples: Clutching at Straws (Marillion) with a very depressed evening when I was 17 or 18; Wonderful Tonight (Eric Clapton) with seeing E.C. live and being the first dance at our wedding.

2. Music which I relate to.

Feeling a strong connection with something because of perceived personal similarities is of a nature with association with memories. For example, the strong themes of mental turbulence and illness in the music of Dream Theater (I know, they are Americans, they can't help it).

3. Familiarity

Knowing anything in great depth or over many years can imbue it with a value of its own. There are some albums that I can obsess over for a period of time, and which subsequently I come to know with great familiarity. That this can then lead to an emotional response of listening to them again isn't hard to see. Examples: take your pick.

4. Music (lyrics) with an emotive theme.

I am susceptible to emotional content in all forms of media. I can easily shed a tear or become otherwise deeply involved in a film, book, or music. Examples: Snow (Spock's Beard) both the darker parts and the joyous and triumphant sections; Bright Eyes (Art Garfunkel).

5. Lower level effects

There appears to be a more subconscious level at which some music can affect people; most often this is referred to when speaking of dance/electronic music, usually in terms of high tempo music with a strong beat. I would also extend this to include pieces that include strong crescendos, in certain major keys, and so on. Examples: The Prodigy; The Ode To Joy (Beethoven).

6. Virtuoso performances or compositions

This is one aspect that interests me as it seems more unusual to me. I can often become overwhelmed, usually exemplified by complete focus and tearfulness, by a particularly skilful or complex segment of a piece. Most frequently, because of the type of music I listen to and the nature of composition and arrangement, this is a guitar or keyboard solo of some sort, but can be anything (even percussion - my Father would be disturbed if he knew). Examples: Rick Wakeman twiddling away; Bach.

7. Appositeness

I wasn't sure what word I could use for this, so I shall describe what I mean. Sometimes, you are listening to a song or piece of music and a part of it, maybe a line of lyrics, maybe a instrumental solo, maybe the sum of the whole seems so completely right and perfect. It doesn't need to be particularly complex or clever, but it feels as if nothing else could work. Dave Gilmour seems to have the knack of this for me; he isn't the pinnacle of a great technical guitarist (although he is very good), but sometimes he just played the right notes in the right place and it was perfect.

Of course, any given piece of music may trigger one, more, or all of these. Or I may be slightly weird and be over analysing a broken emotional response. Whatever it may be, music can flick my switches.

Strange pleasures - numbers

I don't mean the crime drama with the genius mathematician and his FBI agent brother, although I do enjoy that a great deal as well.


Over here Aetherlread mentions being a 'weird, long-winded, stats-obsessed bastard'. All I can say is wahoo! I enjoy playing with numbers. This permeates many aspects of my life.

Watching cricket I will happily sit and digest the statistics, calculating averages and run rates and targets not because they have a great meaning in themselves, but because I love manipulating the numbers.

Part of my World of Warcraft addiction relates to the huge number of numbers that I can analyse, target, and develop.

If I am on a bus, or walking and I am bored out of mind I will play games with the numbers and letters on car registration plates. When I am frustrated or bored at work I will look over a piece of paper and sum the digits, hoping that they will total 10.

I greatly enjoyed my mathematics degree and A-levels, and one of my greatest regrets is that my mental state, general laziness, and incompetence during those periods stopped me from taking full advantage of the opportunities that I had. If had more time I would spend some of it taking up maths again, but I don't; there is so much to fill up my life, even if I were able to manage to do things and not be moping about everywhere. I hate wasting my life.

If only I were a Duck

I could fly to work.

The one substantial downside of our lovely new house is that we are now about four and half miles from my place of work (and my wife's place of study) instead of a little over one mile. Previously I had a gentle fifteen or twenty minute walk to the office. Now my options are:

Bus: an hour, or possibly more in the evening if the traffic is particularly heavy.
Walk: an hour and fifteen or twenty minutes.
Cycle: twenty five or thirty minutes.

Even if I could drive, which I can't, I wouldn't.

I won't catch the bus unless I absolutely have to. Not only does it cost money, but there are other people there (which makes me nervous) and lots of them (which makes me even more nervous). It also grates a little to catch a bus when it is almost as quick for me to walk.

Ultimately, cycling will be a good thing. My general fitness will improve. I will feel less guilty about having an expensive bike which I rarely use. Coming into work and getting home after substantial exercise will tend to improve my short term mood.

I worry that if I wake up and am feeling low, I will be even less inclined to face up to the cycle than I would have been to the much shorter walk. Most of the cycle is on quiet roads or off road cycle paths, so it quite safe, and my usual fear of cycling on roads is minimised.

One of the few things that has always consistently been true from all of my experiences of various health and mental health professionals is that exercise is a positive thing. The short term boost of chemicals may only be short term, but it does boost me for a while, and sometimes that boost can be enough to get me out of the rut for a day. A day that may then turn into a week. All I need is for my body not to collapse in a heap for me.

One thing that irritates me more is the doubling of travel time. I now have even less time to do useful things (and play WoW). At least I won't be catching the bus every day.

Feeling not alone

Last July I had an extended period away from work due to illness. At the start of September I married my wonderful wife, so August was filled with organising and September with being away.

Ever since we first became a couple, having the immediate knowledge that someone was there who cared about me has been a source of strength. In a more specific way, that knowledge has sometimes helped to invalidate the horrible isolation and loneliness that I sometimes feel.

At the end of April last year I stopped posting here. At the time this was mostly due to my attention span, I was almost certainly distracted by something new and shiny, but the break was considerably lengthened by my summer illness and then the wedding and so on.

When we returned from our honeymoon, I caught up with the hundreds of blog posts that I had missed whilst away. One blog that I read, Aethelread The Unread, is concerned with mental health. The author is fluent, intelligent, and comes across as a great guy. In one post he mentioned some blogs that he read that had stopped posting, and noting his concerns about some of them. One blog he mentioned was mine (although with the very accurate comment of "judging by his archives he’s a kind of on-again, off-again blogger anyway").

I cried when I read that, in both a happy and sad way. I felt so incredibly not alone. I am sure that in part in was ego massaging; someone read my blog and noticed something that I did.

But it was also a positive thought. When I feel completely isolated and alone, and when everybody seems to be looking at me with disgust and contempt, I am actually wrong. There are people who notice me; my wife, my parents and family, my friends, my colleagues, people I know through blogs and games. And the rest are oblivious rather than malevolent.

Positive bunnies.

One of the frequently occurring pieces of advice that I have received during my illness, from assorted medical and mental health professionals and from friends and family, is to try and focus on good things. Maybe this is doing things that I enjoy, even when I don't feel like being bothered to eat and wash and breathe. Maybe it is trying to think about happy things rather than the constant trains of thought about angry and violent and pessimistic situations and fantasies. Maybe it is just to use my senses and see the nice things that are there.

I am not very good at this, so I shall attempt to practice here. I will make posts about things I enjoy, about positive things that have happened to me, about good news I hear of, about cute happy fluffy bunnies.

Bunny!

Why won't my head shut up?

All I want to do is get on with my work, but it won't leave me alone.

Mount Fuji, very pretty, not a cure for depression

First of all, I must credit my Uncle with the spotting of this, ta muchly old stick.

A Guardian article claims in its headline that "Looking at Mount Fuji 'can cure depression'". The article starts by saying that a famous Japanese photographer has noticed that people enjoy looking at his photographs of the mountain.

A further comment from Dr Toshiaki Goto (we don't know a doctor of what though) is quoted as saying

Looking at the sun rising over Mt Fuji could provide a rush of adrenalin in the morning

and

Seeing a photo of the afternoon sun near Mount Fuji is likely to produce a substance called acetylcholine ... which leaves the viewer feeling relaxed.

Fortunately, we have the inevitable 'but some people disagree' line that passes for journalistic integrity these days.

"As a doctor, I don't think it's possible to say that merely looking at a photo of Mt Fuji will clear up any health problems," Kazuo Sakai, a doctor at a mental health clinic in Tokyo, told the magazine.

I have no doubt that the photographs are excellent, and provide enjoyment. I have no doubt that the sight of the sun rising over Mount Fuji is wonderful and can trigger lots of jolly chemicals that give short term relaxation and pleasure. I have probably experienced many similar experiences myself.

What irritates me is the Guardian peddling the myth that depression is nothing more than a passing fit of the blues that can be whisked away with a little short term buzz. The implication being that anyone claiming to be depressed should buck themselves up, look at some pretty pictures and stop leeching from the benefits system. In some ways I wish it were true, of course, I know that they are talking rubbish.

Mount Fuji is a gorgeous mountain though.

No news is bad news

I have yet to hear anything regarding my job, which can only mean that I haven't been successful.

I feel pretty awful. Upset that I didn't get the job. Worried about having to continue with my current job and the stresses it causes. Irritated with myself for failing to get a job which I am more than capable of doing, which I would love to do, which I could do much better than I do my current one. Frustrated that whenever I try to do something to improve things I fail miserably.

Thankfully the Lovely Lady Duck has been giving me plenty of support. At least I am only morose about my uselessness, and disheartened about my future rather than anything more severe. I wish I could be even better than that for her though.

Ho hum, back to it all.

Job update - interview

The interview for the job that I applied for was on Friday. I prepared myself quite well, giving plenty of thought to the questions that I thought I would be asked, and my answers to them.

The panel was very friendly and weren't too vicious in their questioning (I love working in the Public sector, the interview would have been much more vigorous and intimidating in big business). Overall I felt I handled the questions fairly well, and didn't go to pieces as is my eternal fear. In retrospect, I think that some of my answers tended to over emphasise the wrong areas. I think I underplayed the specific skills that I could bring to the role.

There were only two other candidates being interviewed. This is where my biggest concern lies. Such a small list for a role with a relatively large responsibility leads to me to two possibilities. Either there were very few suitable candidates who applied, or there was one very strong candidate, or more likely an applicant from within the service who is the automatic winner.

The first option probably helps me. The second leaves me high and dry, as happened the last time I had an interview. Then, one of the other applicants had done the job as maternity cover a year or two in the past. Whilst my feedback was very positive, and I believe the manager when she told me that I made the decision much harder than anticipated, there was still no way I was going to get the job.

I have no problem with that, it would have been absurd for the job not to have gone to the person who had already done it. I was beaten by a better candidate, plain and simple. However, it frustrated me that I still had to be put through the grinder in the first place.

Now all I can do is wait. The panel were deciding Friday afternoon. I didn't hear anything on Friday, so that lowers my hopes of being offered the post, but they may have decided to leave it until Monday morning. Time to wait and see.

I really want this job, I can't help thinking that it would be much better for me and my health.

Applying for jobs

As I mentioned in my recap of my last down swing, I am applying for a new job. I applied for two posts, and so far have been offered an interview for one.

The process has raised the issue of how I deal with my health when dealing with employers.

When I was assessed by the Occupational Health team of my University, the report stated that I may be considered to be disabled under the Disability Discrimination Act (DDA). During certain periods I think that this would have been fair, including the point at which I saw Occupational Health. However, is it valid in the periods when I am feeling fine, or only mildly troubled by the depression? According to the guidance on the Direct.Gov website

People who have had a disability in the past that meets this definition are also
covered by the scope of the Act.

During the application process, this comes up at several points. In the initial application, there is an equal opportunities (EO) form collecting data concerning all of the the usual areas, gender, age, race, disability. This is almost always stated as being for EO monitoring only, and separated from the main application. Here, I have no hesitation in declaring myself disabled. Whilst I many doubt that definition, I won't have to defend myself over it, and it would only be a marginal exaggeration if not true.

All of the posts I have applied for are at my current institution. When offered an interview, a personal details form is sent. This asks for information about current salary, but also about your sick record and details of disability.

My sick record since October 2006 isn't very good. I have had three extended periods of being signed off and 27 days dotted here and there individually. The form asks for the number of days that I have had off due to sickness in the last two years, but to exclude those relating to a disability. the form also asks whether I have a disability that would have an effect upon my ability to perform the role, and if any adjustments would be required.

Writing this post has cleared my mind on one of these issues at least. The most difficult issue that I struggled with was whether or not to record all of my sick leave related to my depression. I think now I see that the answer is no. I think it is fair to say that in my worst periods, I do fall under the DDA. Thus, at those points I could be defined as disabled, and that sick leave can be left undeclared.

However, this still leaves the other questions. Do I have a disability that can effect my ability to perform in the role to a satisfactory level? Well, sometimes I am so bad that I am not in work, so yes. But in my better periods I can still feel unable to do certain tasks (telephones for example) because of my anxieties. Can adjustments be made? I am lucky that in my current post I have colleagues who are very understanding of my situation, and will take my phone calls for me. That isn't a permanent solution though. Of course, one of my aims in applying for new jobs is getting away from a role in which I am the first point of contact for a primarily customer service based office. Would my anxieties be as problematic if my job didn't involve those responsibilities?

Of course there is then the interview. 'Is there anything else that you would like to add or ask?'.

A few months ago I applied for, and was interviewed for a job. I didn't get it, but fortunately it was in a team that live in the same office as us. The manager of the team was able to give me detailed feedback in person, and I raised that issue (I hadn't mentioned my illness). By coincidence, the team was the University's EO office, so it was rather up the manager's street. She was certain that I shouldn't have mentioned anything at interview. I think I agree with her, but it still leaves me feeling guilty. I try to be as honest about things as possible, and this is a major part of my life, and can have a large impact on my suirroundings, including job performance and colleagues. It seems wrong not to be as up front about it as possible.