Second-hand items

As you will note from the links on the right hand side, I make use of second-hand options such as Green Metropolis, Amazon Marketplace, and E-bay. I feel that buying second-hand is a positive thing. It reduces waste by encouraging people not to throw things away, and also by reducing the market for new items, and reducing the need for wastefully large print runs which can end up destroyed untouched.

I also try to be as strict as possible about not illegally copying material, be it CDs, games, books, or essays. Whilst I am happy to accept the disgusting greed of the music industry and the poor treatment of the writing and recording artists, I still feel that stealing music (for example) is not only illegal, but probably does have a negative knock-on effect on the artists themselves.

I realised the contradiction in these positions the other day. I try to buy items second-hand. This means I am usually buying from an individual who bears no relation to the original source of the book or CD in question. No royalties will be paid to the author of the book, there will be no boost up the charts for the musician.

From the point of view of the artist, I may as well have acquired an illegal copy. The sole direct beneficiary of my second-hand purchase is the existing owner. In some cases, for example Green Metropolis, there are additional benefits to the second-hand purchase, such as a portion of my money going towards other beneficial projects.

So what is more important to me, the reduction of waste by buying second hand, or supporting the artist for their work?

How are games developers paid?

Whilst ruminating on the issue of artists being paid for second-hand sales of books and CDs, I started to think about how games developers are paid.

As I understand it (and I am happy to be corrected if I am wrong, I really don't know that much about it), a musician or band will be contracted by a record label to produce a set number of works, and be paid an amount for that contract. They may also receive a share of royalties or gig income.

Similarly, an author will be contracted by their publisher to write a novel, or multiple novels, be paid for that contract and possible share royalties.

In both fields there will also be the small, independent artists who will carry their own publishing and management costs, and the profit they turn from sales and gigs is what they earn.

In games, there are the small independent developers who operate in much the same fashion. They design and write the games, and what they can sell is their income.

There are also the development teams maintained by the major publishers. Do they operate on a similar contract basis? Publisher X offers a development team a contract to produce a specific game. Are the developers paid direct salaries, do they receive an amount from the project coffers, do they receive a share of royalties?

This is all just idle wondering, but could it have an effect on the way games are developed? Has it had an effect on the way that books are written and music composed?

How to deal with hoaxes?

I have never been very good at dealing with people. I lack empathy, and communicating causes me anxiety. Even the thought of the most basic of small talk can frighten me to the point of avoiding it (and then seeming rude and cold).

I was in the office kitchen this morning, brewing a nice cup of Keemun, when I notice a new piece of paper on the kitchen noticeboard. It extolled four unknown properties of mobile phones, and suggested that people spread it to their friends. A couple of the claims didn't ring true for me, so I checked and it seems that it is a regurgitation of a well know hoax come urban myth.

So what do I do? I don't want my friends and colleagues being taken in by this. As a matter of principle I don't want anyone falling for mindless rumours, particularly ones that run against common sense. I don't know who put it up, but even if I did, how would I approach them?

Applying for jobs

As I mentioned in my recap of my last down swing, I am applying for a new job. I applied for two posts, and so far have been offered an interview for one.

The process has raised the issue of how I deal with my health when dealing with employers.

When I was assessed by the Occupational Health team of my University, the report stated that I may be considered to be disabled under the Disability Discrimination Act (DDA). During certain periods I think that this would have been fair, including the point at which I saw Occupational Health. However, is it valid in the periods when I am feeling fine, or only mildly troubled by the depression? According to the guidance on the Direct.Gov website

People who have had a disability in the past that meets this definition are also
covered by the scope of the Act.

During the application process, this comes up at several points. In the initial application, there is an equal opportunities (EO) form collecting data concerning all of the the usual areas, gender, age, race, disability. This is almost always stated as being for EO monitoring only, and separated from the main application. Here, I have no hesitation in declaring myself disabled. Whilst I many doubt that definition, I won't have to defend myself over it, and it would only be a marginal exaggeration if not true.

All of the posts I have applied for are at my current institution. When offered an interview, a personal details form is sent. This asks for information about current salary, but also about your sick record and details of disability.

My sick record since October 2006 isn't very good. I have had three extended periods of being signed off and 27 days dotted here and there individually. The form asks for the number of days that I have had off due to sickness in the last two years, but to exclude those relating to a disability. the form also asks whether I have a disability that would have an effect upon my ability to perform the role, and if any adjustments would be required.

Writing this post has cleared my mind on one of these issues at least. The most difficult issue that I struggled with was whether or not to record all of my sick leave related to my depression. I think now I see that the answer is no. I think it is fair to say that in my worst periods, I do fall under the DDA. Thus, at those points I could be defined as disabled, and that sick leave can be left undeclared.

However, this still leaves the other questions. Do I have a disability that can effect my ability to perform in the role to a satisfactory level? Well, sometimes I am so bad that I am not in work, so yes. But in my better periods I can still feel unable to do certain tasks (telephones for example) because of my anxieties. Can adjustments be made? I am lucky that in my current post I have colleagues who are very understanding of my situation, and will take my phone calls for me. That isn't a permanent solution though. Of course, one of my aims in applying for new jobs is getting away from a role in which I am the first point of contact for a primarily customer service based office. Would my anxieties be as problematic if my job didn't involve those responsibilities?

Of course there is then the interview. 'Is there anything else that you would like to add or ask?'.

A few months ago I applied for, and was interviewed for a job. I didn't get it, but fortunately it was in a team that live in the same office as us. The manager of the team was able to give me detailed feedback in person, and I raised that issue (I hadn't mentioned my illness). By coincidence, the team was the University's EO office, so it was rather up the manager's street. She was certain that I shouldn't have mentioned anything at interview. I think I agree with her, but it still leaves me feeling guilty. I try to be as honest about things as possible, and this is a major part of my life, and can have a large impact on my suirroundings, including job performance and colleagues. It seems wrong not to be as up front about it as possible.

Music and games again

As I mentioned in my first post on this topic, I was interested by games such as Guitar Hero long before Audiosurf came along. Now a copy of Guitar Hero III has dropped into my lap. It is rather quite fun indeed. I feel many hours of playing coming on, although maybe I won't be dedicating as much time to is as I intend to with Audiosurf. The selection of songs is great, being largely seventies and eighties rock and metal, with a light dabbling of rocky blues.

I have already started investigating purchasing a second controller, and an adapter so that I can play Frets On Fire on my PC.

Talking of new controllers, I think my trusty old Logitech mouse is finally dying, so a new one is in order to keep my Audiosurf performances at their best. Currently I am considering the Razer Krait and the Speed-Link Styx.

Symptoms: Anger

During my teenage years, there were a handful of occasions when I lost my temper with other people [1]. On each occasion, I did things of which I am deeply ashamed, and which could have caused physical pain, quite apart from the mental trauma. On one occasion it was only by pure luck (or rather my incompetence at throwing) that this was avoided. I had never lost my temper with other people. I may have been short, or rude, but never angry.

I could grow easily frustrated, and vent that frustration in physical actions, usually hitting a desk or wall, or throwing something across the room. I never did those things in the presence of other people though.

After these incidents, I made a determined attempt to control my temper. At University, I flared up at some one once, and very rapidly brought myself down again. Although I could still grow frustrated, the frequency of my expressions dropped. It was more than that I had developed better control over my anger, although that was the case; I had also relaxed a lot more and was less prone to those feelings in the first place.

My return to York, after graduation and nine months back in Southampton living with my Mother, saw a deepening of my depression after a relatively stable period in my final year at University and the months afterwards. I think I remember that my frustrations were growing at the same time, but I don't know how accurate that memory is. Either way, once I had been put on to medication (Cipralex) for the first time, I am sure that I grew frustrated much less easily, and was much more relaxed.

In the last few months, I have been finding that I grow irritated much more easily, and that I have been exhibiting many more signs of my frustrated behaviour. Small things can trigger this, where they haven't done for many years. Fortunately, I have yet to come close to the depths of anger that I have felt in the past, and I fervently hope that this remains the case. I am worried about this change though.

I don't know if this is related to me ceasing my Fluoxetine, whether I am going through a more depressed phase and the moment and this influences it, or whether it is another external factor. Maybe I just getting old(er) and grumpy(er).

I don't think that my temper and frustration is a direct symptom of my depression. It is just an aspect of my temperament. There may be some indirect link though, maybe when I am more depressed, I am less relaxed and more prone to outbursts; maybe the other way around, if I am tense and frustrated, this can fuel or seed a depressive episode. I am more certain that my shame of my behaviour, that my fear of every returning to such actions and feelings, and my fear of the consequences are very deep rooted. These thought processes almost certainly have not helped my state of mind at times.

Despite that, I don't ever want to lost that fear if it stops me behaving in such a fashion again.

[1] It was always my Mother. I love my Mother dearly; this was nothing more than unfortunate circumstance.

More musical games

Last night, the Lovely Lady Duck and I went to the house of our friends. They introduced us (after tasty Sainsbury's burgers) to the joys of PaRappa the Rapper.

PaRappa is a rhythm action game released for the original PlayStation in the mid 1990s. The standard controller is used for input. As with other rhythm games, you have to press certain buttons in time with the music, in this case rapping.

As an experience, it was surreal and amazing. My first attempt with controller in hand led to fits of giggles as a moose dressed in a police uniform attempted to teach me to drive. The bright graphics style, the insane characters, crazy lyrics, and rather giggly friends made this an evening to remember (although I think the resident kitten was less impressed).

Purely as a game, I was less impressed. Feedback between actions and game response seemed random at times. Developing an effective style was very hard, and some things have only made partial sense after reading through the Wikipedia page linked to above. But, it was one of the very first games of its kind, so there were likely to be crinkles to iron out. The drastic shortness did seem like a bit of a bonus, given the difficulty of some songs.

I do now have a drive to explore more rap style music, hopefully We7 will oblige.

Introduction: Pole to Polar

At the request of the author of Pole to Polar, here is a link and introduction to the blog. Written by Seaneen, a lass of a not too dissimilar age to me, the blog focuses on her experience of bipolar disorder/manic depression, and helps to educate people about it. Posts are usually informative and interesting.

Go and read it.

Depressive period - recap and conclusion

As promised, and never delivered, a continuation of my post describing my recent depressive period. To recap events:

• Felt awful on Monday and onwards through the week. I didn't go to work.
• On Thursday, decided it was unlikely that I would want to go back that week, so made an appointment with a doctor as I need a sick note if I am away from work for more than four days.
• The doctor was a locum rather than my usual GP. She was very nice, told me to start taking my fluoxetine again, and fed me the serotonin hypothesis.
• I asked to be signed off. She offered two weeks. I wasn't sure about so long, but she convinced me that I could always go back earlier. I agreed.
• I gave the sick note to my manager. She told me I wasn't allowed back until my sick note ran out, unless I was signed back on again by a doctor.
• The first week signed off, I was still feeling fairly low. In isolation, I probably would have been at work, but as the end of a severe bout, being off was probably sensible in the longer term.
• The second week signed off, I was pretty normal. I didn't bother trying to get an appointment with my doctor to sign me back on, the receptionists at the health centre would have laughed me off the phone.
• Back at work now and feeling fine.

The extra (and possible unnecessary) second week probably did me good, but I can't help feeling guilty about being off when I didn't really need to be.

The time off did give me some time to think things through again, and maybe come a little closer to some conclusions this time. I think, as much as I love my job, the customer facing aspects really aren't my strengths, they do cause me stress and worry sometimes, and I don't perform very well at them. So I am looking for an alternative job. I won't be rushing into the first thing that turns up, and I will only be applying for posts that I think will suit me. There would be no point jumping from one stressful role to another.