Bad period

I haven't posted for a while. This is partly because I haven't had much to say, but mostly because I have been suffering an extended period of feeling absolutely bloody awful.

My normal downward swings in mood last three or four days. My current episode is now approaching three weeks.

I am suffering from all of my normal symptoms:

• Variable mood, often changing suddenly, and easily becoming extreme (sudden crying, or easily becoming frustrated for example).
• Mood predominantly negative, and the full range of negative states: complete apathy, melancholy, fear (particularly about the future), general lowness.
• Periods of lacking emotion, I usually use words such as flat and empty to describe these.
• A desire to give up.
• Constant negative thought processes; running myself down, convincing myself that everything I attempt will fail, playing out depressing or very negative situations that could occur.
• Hints of my old paranoia and sense of persecution.
• Anxiety in public and around people.
• A feeling of being mentally blocked when I attempt things.
• Poor self care.
  

These are all things that to one degree or another I have learned to cope with, and can at the very least wait out until I find my way back into my usual rut.

That I have felt this bad for so long is starting to worry me, and is taking its toll. Being low and being tired, both physically and mentally, feed off of each other. My body is struggling with general tiredness and interrupted sleep. My mind is running out of energy and fight completely.

I have been coping quite well, better than I have in the past. Bits of last week were hell, but I fought through it and managed to be in work Monday to Thursday, only giving in on Friday. I didn't achieve much when I was there, but I tried.

Of course things have been hard for people around me as well. My wife is wonderful and has been so much help, but I worry about how much stress I am causing her. My work colleagues have been very supportive, putting up with me being next to useless and trying to encourage me along. I have gone from being mildly unreliable in World of Warcraft (WoW) to extremely unreliable.

I really want this to be over. I am running out of strength and I am getting worried. Mostly, I want to stop troubling everyone around me.

A little while ago I said that I would try to post positive things. Friday evening and Saturday bucked the recent trend and were great. On Friday evening I was part of a successful WoW raid; it was the best performance my Guild have put together and a big improvement on our previous attempts. On Saturday I baked cookies and cakes with my wife and we went to our friends' house to watch Eurovision. Which as ever was terrible/brilliant.

Flat

I haven't posted anything recently; there are two reasons for this I think. I haven't found that much worth writing about, or rather that I have wanted to write about. Also, I have been feeling fairly down recently. It isn't the deep and dark depression or the raging angry self-hatred. Everything seems flat and grey, nothing interests me and I can't feel any great emotion about anything. It rather stymies life.

So what has been happening to me recently?

• I managed to work two consecutive five day weeks without any sick leave; a definite achievement. The next week I had two of the four days off. Ugh.
• I have played lots of World of Warcraft (and achieved things in it, which is a positive).
• My wife and I built a window seat/bookshelf over the Easter weekend. I may post more about this when I have taken some pictures. This also showed some improvements in my attitudes and coping skills.
• My fitness is improving steadily as I carry on cycling to work.
• I am helping a friend design a board game (when I should be working, but never mind that).
  

My situation and events that surround me are generally good, I wish I could find a way to leave this horrible emptiness so I could take advantage of it.

A whole week

If I get through today, this will only be the second full five day week that I have worked since January. I am determined that I will be at work all day (note that I very carefully didn't say 'I will do a full days work'), despite feeling very on edge and jumpy and weird. Of the ten weeks that I haven't worked five days, four were because of taking holiday; but six were because of a day or days sick leave.

Overall, I am relatively happy with my progress at being in work. I haven't had more than two consecutive sick days since I was off for six weeks last July and August. I went for six weeks after the wedding without a day off. Since the end of October though, I have been having the odd one or two days here and there, averaging about a day a week.

I find this really frustrating. Part of the logical side of me knows that feeling that way has a further negative effect on how I am feeling otherwise, and that part also recognises how much better I have been over the last six months than any time in the last three years. But I still remember the six months I did in my second job after graduating without even blinking, and the first nine months or a year in this job which were fine. And then I think about how much I let people down and incapable of doing my job (or anything) I feel at times.

The unpredictability, the on and off and rapid swings and constant doubt about how I will tomorrow or in six hours wears me down. I am fighting though, and I think I am making progress even if I don't feel it all of the time. I hope that I won't get overwhelmed and break down again like I did last summer and spring, and the year before that.

Strange pleasures - numbers

I don't mean the crime drama with the genius mathematician and his FBI agent brother, although I do enjoy that a great deal as well.


Over here Aetherlread mentions being a 'weird, long-winded, stats-obsessed bastard'. All I can say is wahoo! I enjoy playing with numbers. This permeates many aspects of my life.

Watching cricket I will happily sit and digest the statistics, calculating averages and run rates and targets not because they have a great meaning in themselves, but because I love manipulating the numbers.

Part of my World of Warcraft addiction relates to the huge number of numbers that I can analyse, target, and develop.

If I am on a bus, or walking and I am bored out of mind I will play games with the numbers and letters on car registration plates. When I am frustrated or bored at work I will look over a piece of paper and sum the digits, hoping that they will total 10.

I greatly enjoyed my mathematics degree and A-levels, and one of my greatest regrets is that my mental state, general laziness, and incompetence during those periods stopped me from taking full advantage of the opportunities that I had. If had more time I would spend some of it taking up maths again, but I don't; there is so much to fill up my life, even if I were able to manage to do things and not be moping about everywhere. I hate wasting my life.

New nest

After all of the usual stress and hassle, the Lovely Lady Duck and I have moved into our new nest. We are now home-owners; hurrah. I shall take some pictures soon, or to be precise when we have finished tidying. Unfortunately, after a long weekend for the move, I am now back at work; harrumph.

Excellent customer service

People often use the internet to complain about bad service, or how they were diddled by unscrupulous companies. Such events are frustrating, and it can be useful to vent. It can also be pointless, counter-productive and petty.

So, here is a happy little tale of a company making an effort and providing some excellent service.

At Christmas, my wife and I received some gifts as cash. We tucked the envelopes inside the case of a DVD that I had also received (the classic Queen at Wembley concert), so as to keep the money safe and together. Unfortunately, both my Father and my in-laws purchased the same DVD for me (as useful as it is the Amazon wish list system is flawed in some ways). We returned one of the DVDs to Amazon using their normal returns policy. Only a day or so afterwards did we realise that the DVD we sent back was the one with the money in.

At this point I completely fell to pieces; it was largely my fault, it was stupid in the extreme, and I couldn't deal with having to try to sort it out. Fortunately, my better half is made of sterner stuff, and made a series of phone calls to Amazon and assorted Royal Mail facilities.

A lass at Amazon customer services immediately grasped the issue, and with her colleagues at the returns facility, went out of her way to track down our package and return the money to us. There was little obligation, either as individuals or a company, for them to do that, and the trouble and effort I put them to was much appreciated.

Now I am sure we can all sit and yarn about how Amazon have screwed us over in the past and how they are the spawn of all evil. Good things do happen, remember that and all the times when things also occurred exactly as they should have done.

(Consider confirmation bias and related effects).

Silly question list meme thing

I have always been opposed to silly question list meme things, but it is a handy thing to keep in storage against not being able to be bothered to make a proper post. So, stolen from Aethelread The Unread, here is a silly question list meme thing.

1. Do you like blue cheese salad dressing?

No. I dislike blue cheese. Did you know that the odour of blue cheeses is caused by a bacterium closely related to the type that causes the smell of feet?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_cheese

2. Favourite late night snack?

I try not to eat close to going to sleep. I am rarely up late in the first place to be honest.

3. Do you own a gun?

Nope.

4. What’s your favourite drink at Starbucks or other speciality coffee shop?

Hot chocolate. Although I am one of the irritating types who enjoys going in to Starbucks and asking for a medium coffee please.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?

It varies depending on my state of mind and the doctor.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?

I'd rather have a kebab. That shouldn't be taken as implying that I like kebabs.

7. Favourite Christmas song?

Lonely This Christmas by Mud or the one by the drunk Irish guy and Kirsty MacColl. I think they adequately sum up my feelings about Christmas.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the mornings?

Usually water or weak squash, sometimes tea, I should drink fruit juice

9. Can you do push-ups?

Indeed I can, although not that many at the moment. In fact, even fewer at the moment, I slipped up walking to walk and bashed my shoulder.

10. What’s your favourite piece of jewellery?

As a category on me; a simple cross on a chain. A particular item on me; my wedding ring. On other people; it varies.

11. Favourite hobby?

Playing World of Warcraft. Muttermuttermutter.

12. Do you have A.D.D.?

Nope, although my concentration is very poor and cute fluffy things distract me very easily. Bunny!

13. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself?

I'm only allowed one? Sulk.

14. The last disease you contracted?

I can't remember having a disease. I had a bit of a dodgy tummy before Christmas.

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.

Ten minutes until I can leave work. I really should do some work in those last ten minutes. Urghghhh.

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink.

Water. Squash. Lemonade and lime.

17. Current worry right now?

Hahahahaha. No wait, I am supposed to be thinking happy thoughts. Bad question, don't do that again.

18. Current hate right now?

Me. Bad question, I shall have to send you to the naughty step.

19. Favourite place to be?

Somewhere warm, comfortable, with good food, my lovely wife, and preferably an internet connection so I can play WoW.

20. How did you ring in the new year?

With my wife and my best man and his wife, playing a board game about zombies.

Brrrrainzzzzzz.

21. Like to travel?

Yes and no. Probably mostly no. But sometimes yes.

22. Name three people who will complete Sunday Stealing this week.

No idea, but I suspect my Sunday will be stolen by WoW.

23. Do you own slippers?

Yes. They really need a wash.

24. What colour shirt are you wearing?

Black with very tiny little white dots in lines.

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?

I have no idea.

26. Can you whistle?

Not very well.

27. Favourite singer/ band?

Depends on mood, location, frame of mind, recent listening trends, colour of socks, blah.

28. Could you ever make it 39 days on the show Survivor?

I doubt it; I would likely be arrested for doing vicious and illegal things to the rest of the idiot retards that usually turn up on those sorts of programs.

29. What songs do you sing in the shower?

None, people are arrested for lesser offences.

30. Favourite girl’s names?

Something nice and Germanic, or Scandinavian.

31. Favourite boy’s names?

See above.

32. What’s in your pocket right now?

Handkerchief.

33. Last thing that made you laugh?

I can't really remember. Not because it was a long time ago, but because my memory is rubbish.

34. Like your job?

Yes. If I only I was better at it and applied myself to it more.

35. Daffodils.

36. Do you love where you live?

Aye, pretty much.

37. How many TVs do you have in your house?

One, and that is one too many.

38. Who is your loudest friend?

I am not really sure.

39. Do you drive the speed limit or speed?

I can't drive. I have occasionally broken the speed limit on my bicycle, but I try to avoid it as much as possible.

40. Does someone have a crush on you?

I have no idea. The hamster snuffles at me sometimes when I give her chocolate, does that count?

41. What’s your favourite book?

I won't limit myself to one. See also my answer to question 27.

42. What is your favourite candy?

Mmm, Candy Shrimps. However, assuming this is the American meaning of candy, see answers to questions 41 and 27.

43. Favourite sports team?

My favourite? I am not sure that I have one. The team I probably get most attached to watching is probably the Irish rugby team. Maybe the Welsh.

44. What were you doing at 12am last night?

Sleeping.

45. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up today?

Mostly angry thoughts aimed at me because I deliberately set my alarm later so I could have a little extra sleep and woke up half an hour earlier than usual instead.

The good side of Christmas and New Year

For many reasons I dislike and rarely enjoy the Christmas and New Year period. So here are some of the good things that happened to me this year.

- I was able to spend some quiet time with my lovely wife when we weren't bothered by other things.
- I saw my parents, and they weren't irritating.
- I found at least a little time where I could sit down and properly relax, knowing that all the things that normally fill my head could go away because they didn't matter then and even if they did, there wasn't anything that I could do about them.
- I was given a pruning saw. My Mother really should know better. Mawahaha.
- I ate lots of very nice food in quantities that didn't spoil the experience.
- I was able to have fun playing some games with people without becoming too competitive or intense.

Feeling not alone

Last July I had an extended period away from work due to illness. At the start of September I married my wonderful wife, so August was filled with organising and September with being away.

Ever since we first became a couple, having the immediate knowledge that someone was there who cared about me has been a source of strength. In a more specific way, that knowledge has sometimes helped to invalidate the horrible isolation and loneliness that I sometimes feel.

At the end of April last year I stopped posting here. At the time this was mostly due to my attention span, I was almost certainly distracted by something new and shiny, but the break was considerably lengthened by my summer illness and then the wedding and so on.

When we returned from our honeymoon, I caught up with the hundreds of blog posts that I had missed whilst away. One blog that I read, Aethelread The Unread, is concerned with mental health. The author is fluent, intelligent, and comes across as a great guy. In one post he mentioned some blogs that he read that had stopped posting, and noting his concerns about some of them. One blog he mentioned was mine (although with the very accurate comment of "judging by his archives he’s a kind of on-again, off-again blogger anyway").

I cried when I read that, in both a happy and sad way. I felt so incredibly not alone. I am sure that in part in was ego massaging; someone read my blog and noticed something that I did.

But it was also a positive thought. When I feel completely isolated and alone, and when everybody seems to be looking at me with disgust and contempt, I am actually wrong. There are people who notice me; my wife, my parents and family, my friends, my colleagues, people I know through blogs and games. And the rest are oblivious rather than malevolent.

Positive bunnies.

One of the frequently occurring pieces of advice that I have received during my illness, from assorted medical and mental health professionals and from friends and family, is to try and focus on good things. Maybe this is doing things that I enjoy, even when I don't feel like being bothered to eat and wash and breathe. Maybe it is trying to think about happy things rather than the constant trains of thought about angry and violent and pessimistic situations and fantasies. Maybe it is just to use my senses and see the nice things that are there.

I am not very good at this, so I shall attempt to practice here. I will make posts about things I enjoy, about positive things that have happened to me, about good news I hear of, about cute happy fluffy bunnies.

Bunny!