In my last post I raised the issue of my indecisiveness. Although I was quite flippant about it, it can be a serious problem. In fact, there are times when it has triggered me working myself into a state.
I haven't given this any detailed thought, but have tried to think of some reasons why I may be so indecisive.
I don't want to make the wrong decision. I could mean in either a practical sense of wrong, i.e. going left instead of right and ending up in the wrong place, or in a moral sense.
I don't want to miss out on something.
I don't want to force someone else to do something when they would rather be doing the alternative.
I don't want to do something when I would rather be doing the alternative.
As a corollary to that, I don't know which choice I would prefer.
I am genuinely torn between the options, either because they are equally attractive or I am unable to compare the benefits.
I don't want to make a commitment.
For some reason I don't wish to admit that my preference is my preference.
I over estimate the importance of the consequences of making a decision.
I am a perfectionist.
31 March 2009
30 March 2009
Monkey Urine
I find the generic churn 'em out American film comedians like Adam Sandler and Ben Stiller quite annoying, and usually not that funny. On Saturday evening the Lovely Lady Duck and I were both feeling fairly stressed by various things and decided to watch A Night at the Museum, a Ben Stiller film.
Sidetrack: I say we decided to watch that. Usually it works something like this:
Shall we watch a film?
Could do.
What shall we watch?
Don't know, what do you want to watch?
Don't know, any ideas.
Don't know.
...
We then each pull out a random selection of DVDs that we might vaguely quite like to watch possibly and take turns putting them back until we end up with one. In fact, on Saturday, we managed to reduce the options to four films before we had to resort to tossing coins.
Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, Ben Stiller. I actually mildly enjoyed the film; it was quite easy to watch and didn't require more braincells than are needed to say "ooo, look at the funny dinosaur", it was blessed with Dick Van Dyke and Robin Williams, and had a scene where Ben Stiller was urinated on by a monkey. It certainly wasn't Young Frankenstein or Dr. Strangelove, but it passed the time in a relaxed fashion.
The point of this? There was a rather large fly in the otherwise soothing ointment:
aethelreadtheunread: Ricky Gervais = arsehole
Sidetrack: I say we decided to watch that. Usually it works something like this:
Shall we watch a film?
Could do.
What shall we watch?
Don't know, what do you want to watch?
Don't know, any ideas.
Don't know.
...
We then each pull out a random selection of DVDs that we might vaguely quite like to watch possibly and take turns putting them back until we end up with one. In fact, on Saturday, we managed to reduce the options to four films before we had to resort to tossing coins.
Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, Ben Stiller. I actually mildly enjoyed the film; it was quite easy to watch and didn't require more braincells than are needed to say "ooo, look at the funny dinosaur", it was blessed with Dick Van Dyke and Robin Williams, and had a scene where Ben Stiller was urinated on by a monkey. It certainly wasn't Young Frankenstein or Dr. Strangelove, but it passed the time in a relaxed fashion.
The point of this? There was a rather large fly in the otherwise soothing ointment:
aethelreadtheunread: Ricky Gervais = arsehole
28 March 2009
Workplace isolation
In a post yesterday, Fighting Monsters made a comment about how differences in the workplace can sometimes make one feel.
The reason I get paid most is solely because I get additional increments for the AMHP work. I’m also one of the younger members of the team. These two combined factors don’t always make me the most popular of people. It can feel very isolating at times.
It made me think about my own situation. I am not for a moment drawing a comparison between myself and Fighting Monsters' situation, but I have similar feelings at times.
There are about twenty people in our office building. Of these, three of us are male, and one of those is the senior manager in the block who spends as much time out as in (he is a very nice bloke though, and a great manager). Also, I am the youngest person in the building, and I am reasonably sure that there are only two others within five years of me. Obviously with most of my colleagues being ladies, it wouldn't do to ask.
For those two reasons there are times that I can feel very socially isolated, and to a lesser degree, professionally so. I am not for a moment suggesting that anyone deliberately says or behaves in a fashion to make me feel so. Almost everyone is very nice and friendly. In particular my two immediate colleagues have always been very supportive and are friends. It is quite natural though that women in their forties and fifties will tend to have less connection with a young man like me.
The problem is compounded by social life away from work being very limited. My two or three closest friends I may see once a week at most. I see a lot more of my Guildmates in WoW.
Oh well, there is not much that I can do apart from grin and bear it, I have little control over the situation.
The reason I get paid most is solely because I get additional increments for the AMHP work. I’m also one of the younger members of the team. These two combined factors don’t always make me the most popular of people. It can feel very isolating at times.
It made me think about my own situation. I am not for a moment drawing a comparison between myself and Fighting Monsters' situation, but I have similar feelings at times.
There are about twenty people in our office building. Of these, three of us are male, and one of those is the senior manager in the block who spends as much time out as in (he is a very nice bloke though, and a great manager). Also, I am the youngest person in the building, and I am reasonably sure that there are only two others within five years of me. Obviously with most of my colleagues being ladies, it wouldn't do to ask.
For those two reasons there are times that I can feel very socially isolated, and to a lesser degree, professionally so. I am not for a moment suggesting that anyone deliberately says or behaves in a fashion to make me feel so. Almost everyone is very nice and friendly. In particular my two immediate colleagues have always been very supportive and are friends. It is quite natural though that women in their forties and fifties will tend to have less connection with a young man like me.
The problem is compounded by social life away from work being very limited. My two or three closest friends I may see once a week at most. I see a lot more of my Guildmates in WoW.
Oh well, there is not much that I can do apart from grin and bear it, I have little control over the situation.
27 March 2009
A whole week
If I get through today, this will only be the second full five day week that I have worked since January. I am determined that I will be at work all day (note that I very carefully didn't say 'I will do a full days work'), despite feeling very on edge and jumpy and weird. Of the ten weeks that I haven't worked five days, four were because of taking holiday; but six were because of a day or days sick leave.
Overall, I am relatively happy with my progress at being in work. I haven't had more than two consecutive sick days since I was off for six weeks last July and August. I went for six weeks after the wedding without a day off. Since the end of October though, I have been having the odd one or two days here and there, averaging about a day a week.
I find this really frustrating. Part of the logical side of me knows that feeling that way has a further negative effect on how I am feeling otherwise, and that part also recognises how much better I have been over the last six months than any time in the last three years. But I still remember the six months I did in my second job after graduating without even blinking, and the first nine months or a year in this job which were fine. And then I think about how much I let people down and incapable of doing my job (or anything) I feel at times.
The unpredictability, the on and off and rapid swings and constant doubt about how I will tomorrow or in six hours wears me down. I am fighting though, and I think I am making progress even if I don't feel it all of the time. I hope that I won't get overwhelmed and break down again like I did last summer and spring, and the year before that.
Overall, I am relatively happy with my progress at being in work. I haven't had more than two consecutive sick days since I was off for six weeks last July and August. I went for six weeks after the wedding without a day off. Since the end of October though, I have been having the odd one or two days here and there, averaging about a day a week.
I find this really frustrating. Part of the logical side of me knows that feeling that way has a further negative effect on how I am feeling otherwise, and that part also recognises how much better I have been over the last six months than any time in the last three years. But I still remember the six months I did in my second job after graduating without even blinking, and the first nine months or a year in this job which were fine. And then I think about how much I let people down and incapable of doing my job (or anything) I feel at times.
The unpredictability, the on and off and rapid swings and constant doubt about how I will tomorrow or in six hours wears me down. I am fighting though, and I think I am making progress even if I don't feel it all of the time. I hope that I won't get overwhelmed and break down again like I did last summer and spring, and the year before that.
24 March 2009
Wow, what a geek
There is a large part of my life that I have only hinted at in previous posts. In actuality, I thought I had posted about it in previous years, but having browsed my archives it appears that I didn't. At any, I have a problem, I play World of Warcraft (WoW). It is actually worse than that; the Lovely Lady Duck plays as well, and I am the one who introduced her to the game. I have geekiness and I infected my wife.
For those who are only vaguely aware of WoW, it is a Massively Multi-player On-line Role-playing Game (MMORPG). To dissect the jargon, a large number of people play the game on a central sever, interacting with other each as well as computer controlled entities, taking on the roles of characters in the world.
In particular WoW is a fairly normal high fantasy setting, although one with a great deal of depth and development in the background and history. Blizzard, who created and run the game, claim more than 11 million active accounts, although you never interact with that many people; there are multiple servers each with (this is a guess) around ten thousand active players.
Anyway, why did I decide to start talking about this now? There are I think three motivating factors:
1. WoW is such a large part of my life. In blunt terms of time, I typically spend fifteen to twenty hours each week playing, which is a substantial proportion of my free time. WoW has had substantial effects on my mood and mental state over the two years or so that I have been playing; both positive and negative. This influence is something that interests me, much as the influence of music does.
2. I want to write a few things about WoW itself. I don't want to become a full time WoW blogger, but that are a few things that I want to throw into the mix.
3. I have always enjoyed writing bits of fiction. Some of this has been fan-fiction set in gaming universes (X-COM and Laser Squad Nemesis before WoW). If I were to put a little of my writing up here, it would seem odd to include WoW fiction without first setting my WoW background up.
For those who are only vaguely aware of WoW, it is a Massively Multi-player On-line Role-playing Game (MMORPG). To dissect the jargon, a large number of people play the game on a central sever, interacting with other each as well as computer controlled entities, taking on the roles of characters in the world.
In particular WoW is a fairly normal high fantasy setting, although one with a great deal of depth and development in the background and history. Blizzard, who created and run the game, claim more than 11 million active accounts, although you never interact with that many people; there are multiple servers each with (this is a guess) around ten thousand active players.
Anyway, why did I decide to start talking about this now? There are I think three motivating factors:
1. WoW is such a large part of my life. In blunt terms of time, I typically spend fifteen to twenty hours each week playing, which is a substantial proportion of my free time. WoW has had substantial effects on my mood and mental state over the two years or so that I have been playing; both positive and negative. This influence is something that interests me, much as the influence of music does.
2. I want to write a few things about WoW itself. I don't want to become a full time WoW blogger, but that are a few things that I want to throw into the mix.
3. I have always enjoyed writing bits of fiction. Some of this has been fan-fiction set in gaming universes (X-COM and Laser Squad Nemesis before WoW). If I were to put a little of my writing up here, it would seem odd to include WoW fiction without first setting my WoW background up.
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