As I mentioned in my first post on this topic, I was interested by games such as Guitar Hero long before Audiosurf came along. Now a copy of Guitar Hero III has dropped into my lap. It is rather quite fun indeed. I feel many hours of playing coming on, although maybe I won't be dedicating as much time to is as I intend to with Audiosurf. The selection of songs is great, being largely seventies and eighties rock and metal, with a light dabbling of rocky blues.
I have already started investigating purchasing a second controller, and an adapter so that I can play Frets On Fire on my PC.
Talking of new controllers, I think my trusty old Logitech mouse is finally dying, so a new one is in order to keep my Audiosurf performances at their best. Currently I am considering the Razer Krait and the Speed-Link Styx.
18 March 2008
14 March 2008
Symptoms: Anger
During my teenage years, there were a handful of occasions when I lost my temper with other people [1]. On each occasion, I did things of which I am deeply ashamed, and which could have caused physical pain, quite apart from the mental trauma. On one occasion it was only by pure luck (or rather my incompetence at throwing) that this was avoided. I had never lost my temper with other people. I may have been short, or rude, but never angry.
I could grow easily frustrated, and vent that frustration in physical actions, usually hitting a desk or wall, or throwing something across the room. I never did those things in the presence of other people though.
After these incidents, I made a determined attempt to control my temper. At University, I flared up at some one once, and very rapidly brought myself down again. Although I could still grow frustrated, the frequency of my expressions dropped. It was more than that I had developed better control over my anger, although that was the case; I had also relaxed a lot more and was less prone to those feelings in the first place.
My return to York, after graduation and nine months back in Southampton living with my Mother, saw a deepening of my depression after a relatively stable period in my final year at University and the months afterwards. I think I remember that my frustrations were growing at the same time, but I don't know how accurate that memory is. Either way, once I had been put on to medication (Cipralex) for the first time, I am sure that I grew frustrated much less easily, and was much more relaxed.
In the last few months, I have been finding that I grow irritated much more easily, and that I have been exhibiting many more signs of my frustrated behaviour. Small things can trigger this, where they haven't done for many years. Fortunately, I have yet to come close to the depths of anger that I have felt in the past, and I fervently hope that this remains the case. I am worried about this change though.
I don't know if this is related to me ceasing my Fluoxetine, whether I am going through a more depressed phase and the moment and this influences it, or whether it is another external factor. Maybe I just getting old(er) and grumpy(er).
I don't think that my temper and frustration is a direct symptom of my depression. It is just an aspect of my temperament. There may be some indirect link though, maybe when I am more depressed, I am less relaxed and more prone to outbursts; maybe the other way around, if I am tense and frustrated, this can fuel or seed a depressive episode. I am more certain that my shame of my behaviour, that my fear of every returning to such actions and feelings, and my fear of the consequences are very deep rooted. These thought processes almost certainly have not helped my state of mind at times.
Despite that, I don't ever want to lost that fear if it stops me behaving in such a fashion again.
[1] It was always my Mother. I love my Mother dearly; this was nothing more than unfortunate circumstance.
I could grow easily frustrated, and vent that frustration in physical actions, usually hitting a desk or wall, or throwing something across the room. I never did those things in the presence of other people though.
After these incidents, I made a determined attempt to control my temper. At University, I flared up at some one once, and very rapidly brought myself down again. Although I could still grow frustrated, the frequency of my expressions dropped. It was more than that I had developed better control over my anger, although that was the case; I had also relaxed a lot more and was less prone to those feelings in the first place.
My return to York, after graduation and nine months back in Southampton living with my Mother, saw a deepening of my depression after a relatively stable period in my final year at University and the months afterwards. I think I remember that my frustrations were growing at the same time, but I don't know how accurate that memory is. Either way, once I had been put on to medication (Cipralex) for the first time, I am sure that I grew frustrated much less easily, and was much more relaxed.
In the last few months, I have been finding that I grow irritated much more easily, and that I have been exhibiting many more signs of my frustrated behaviour. Small things can trigger this, where they haven't done for many years. Fortunately, I have yet to come close to the depths of anger that I have felt in the past, and I fervently hope that this remains the case. I am worried about this change though.
I don't know if this is related to me ceasing my Fluoxetine, whether I am going through a more depressed phase and the moment and this influences it, or whether it is another external factor. Maybe I just getting old(er) and grumpy(er).
I don't think that my temper and frustration is a direct symptom of my depression. It is just an aspect of my temperament. There may be some indirect link though, maybe when I am more depressed, I am less relaxed and more prone to outbursts; maybe the other way around, if I am tense and frustrated, this can fuel or seed a depressive episode. I am more certain that my shame of my behaviour, that my fear of every returning to such actions and feelings, and my fear of the consequences are very deep rooted. These thought processes almost certainly have not helped my state of mind at times.
Despite that, I don't ever want to lost that fear if it stops me behaving in such a fashion again.
[1] It was always my Mother. I love my Mother dearly; this was nothing more than unfortunate circumstance.
13 March 2008
More musical games
Last night, the Lovely Lady Duck and I went to the house of our friends. They introduced us (after tasty Sainsbury's burgers) to the joys of PaRappa the Rapper.
PaRappa is a rhythm action game released for the original PlayStation in the mid 1990s. The standard controller is used for input. As with other rhythm games, you have to press certain buttons in time with the music, in this case rapping.
As an experience, it was surreal and amazing. My first attempt with controller in hand led to fits of giggles as a moose dressed in a police uniform attempted to teach me to drive. The bright graphics style, the insane characters, crazy lyrics, and rather giggly friends made this an evening to remember (although I think the resident kitten was less impressed).
Purely as a game, I was less impressed. Feedback between actions and game response seemed random at times. Developing an effective style was very hard, and some things have only made partial sense after reading through the Wikipedia page linked to above. But, it was one of the very first games of its kind, so there were likely to be crinkles to iron out. The drastic shortness did seem like a bit of a bonus, given the difficulty of some songs.
I do now have a drive to explore more rap style music, hopefully We7 will oblige.
PaRappa is a rhythm action game released for the original PlayStation in the mid 1990s. The standard controller is used for input. As with other rhythm games, you have to press certain buttons in time with the music, in this case rapping.
As an experience, it was surreal and amazing. My first attempt with controller in hand led to fits of giggles as a moose dressed in a police uniform attempted to teach me to drive. The bright graphics style, the insane characters, crazy lyrics, and rather giggly friends made this an evening to remember (although I think the resident kitten was less impressed).
Purely as a game, I was less impressed. Feedback between actions and game response seemed random at times. Developing an effective style was very hard, and some things have only made partial sense after reading through the Wikipedia page linked to above. But, it was one of the very first games of its kind, so there were likely to be crinkles to iron out. The drastic shortness did seem like a bit of a bonus, given the difficulty of some songs.
I do now have a drive to explore more rap style music, hopefully We7 will oblige.
Introduction: Pole to Polar
At the request of the author of Pole to Polar, here is a link and introduction to the blog. Written by Seaneen, a lass of a not too dissimilar age to me, the blog focuses on her experience of bipolar disorder/manic depression, and helps to educate people about it. Posts are usually informative and interesting.
Go and read it.
Go and read it.
11 March 2008
Depressive period - recap and conclusion
As promised, and never delivered, a continuation of my post describing my recent depressive period. To recap events:
The time off did give me some time to think things through again, and maybe come a little closer to some conclusions this time. I think, as much as I love my job, the customer facing aspects really aren't my strengths, they do cause me stress and worry sometimes, and I don't perform very well at them. So I am looking for an alternative job. I won't be rushing into the first thing that turns up, and I will only be applying for posts that I think will suit me. There would be no point jumping from one stressful role to another.
- Felt awful on Monday and onwards through the week. I didn't go to work.
- On Thursday, decided it was unlikely that I would want to go back that week, so made an appointment with a doctor as I need a sick note if I am away from work for more than four days.
- The doctor was a locum rather than my usual GP. She was very nice, told me to start taking my fluoxetine again, and fed me the serotonin hypothesis.
- I asked to be signed off. She offered two weeks. I wasn't sure about so long, but she convinced me that I could always go back earlier. I agreed.
- I gave the sick note to my manager. She told me I wasn't allowed back until my sick note ran out, unless I was signed back on again by a doctor.
- The first week signed off, I was still feeling fairly low. In isolation, I probably would have been at work, but as the end of a severe bout, being off was probably sensible in the longer term.
- The second week signed off, I was pretty normal. I didn't bother trying to get an appointment with my doctor to sign me back on, the receptionists at the health centre would have laughed me off the phone.
- Back at work now and feeling fine.
The time off did give me some time to think things through again, and maybe come a little closer to some conclusions this time. I think, as much as I love my job, the customer facing aspects really aren't my strengths, they do cause me stress and worry sometimes, and I don't perform very well at them. So I am looking for an alternative job. I won't be rushing into the first thing that turns up, and I will only be applying for posts that I think will suit me. There would be no point jumping from one stressful role to another.
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